The Balotelli Thread

[LDN Blue 7,903]

Pah, what's a few a day?

[Madmax 9,219]

Pah, what's a few a day?

It's a big deal for athletes though.

[LDN Blue 7,903]

It's a big deal for athletes though.

Not if you maintain your fitness, you can often counter those effects with the right diet & exercise regime. On the down side, it will reduce your career span.

[Madmax 9,219]

On the down side, it will reduce your career span.

Hence, a big deal for athletes.

[Peace. 4,352]

Not if you maintain your fitness, you can often counter those effects with the right diet & exercise regime. On the down side, it will reduce your career span.

You can counter the effect on the short term, but not in the long term.

[LDN Blue 7,903]

Hence, a big deal for athletes.

Don't think Balotelli cares for a long career though

[Madmax 9,219]

The year is 2020. Professional human being Mario Balotelli celebrates the 30^th anniversary of his re-spawn into current shape and form. Here’s a look back at the 9 years since his 21^st birthday:

2011– Studying footage of the Manchester riots, Greater Manchester Police are bemused and baffled to see footage of a balaclava-clad Balotelli entering a recently-looted shop and re-stocking its shelves with TVs, Blu-Ray DVD players and over-sized headphones. Previous footage had shown Mario taking 15 minutes to put on the balaclava. A friendly passer-by overcame hysterical laughter to put it on for him.

In football, he improves his game by shadowing Micah Richards in training and re-brands himself as a no-nonsense right-back. Wins Northern Reserve Premier League with Manchester City Reserves.

Birthday Present – Balotelli’s mother bought him Joey Barton to be his spiritual and philosophical guidance minister.

New Allergy – Socks

2012 – Balotelli jailed for 6 months for water-boarding a school bully. With his Manchester City contract cancelled, Mario becomes the Prison Chaplain. Spends second-half of the year playing keepy-uppies using just the back of his heel.

Birthday present – Necklace created from an old Ferrari tyre

New Allergy – Skin

2013 – Balotelli given sensational return to football with FC United of Manchester after being kicked out of the Church of England for denouncing God’s dress-sense. Releases soul album entitled Balotelling It How It Is. Scores 14 goals and picks up 7 red cards (from right-back) in FCUM’s promotion season.

Birthday Present – The invention of a new colour for his hair.

New Allergy – Chewits

2014 – Successive promotions with FC United of Manchester see Balotelli appointed Mayor of Manchester on a 5 year deal. Disbands Manchester City FC and moves every tramp in Manchester to new, plush, free accommodation at the newly renovated Eastlands Hotel. Teaches them individually how to read and write Italian and English. Sacked after executing the city’s parking attendants.

Birthday Present – A towel (recession)

New Allergy – Darts

2015 – Balotelli decides to revert to playing as a striker but, after a 19 hour goal drought and one substitution too many, he cancels his contract at FC United of Manchester and flees back to Milan. Appointed as Marco Matterazzi’s assistant manager at struggling Inter, the pair tattoo each other’s faces on their foreheads as a sign as solidarity and team spirit. Inter win the Scudetto.

Birthday present – Matterazzi’s self-severed ear on a plinth

New Allergy – Ink

2016 – The night befre Inter Milan’s Champions League Final against Malaga, Balotelli abducts both star striker Carlton Cole and manager Marco Matterazzi, announcing himself player/manager and saying he will start the Final up front for Inter. Wearing a skirt and a leather jacket, Balotelli back-heels the winner past Malaga goal-keeper Edwin van der Sar and celebrates by urinating into his own mouth.

Birthday present – Mouthwash

New Allergy – Nostril Hair

2017 – Now a Champions League Winner and serial bigamist, Balotelli takes the year off to visit space in Sir Richard Branson’s Virgin Galactic Shuttle. Underwhelmed by The Moon and ambivalent towards Mars, Balotelli asks to be dropped off at Jupiter, claiming he will find his own way home. Despite the crew’s best efforts to talk him round, he escapes and leaps towards Jupiter.

Birthday Present – Sir Richard Branson’s Wig

New Allergy – Hydrogen (Science Joke)

2018 – Mario is missing, presumed dead. The Pope presides over his funeral. Joey Barton reads the eulogy. A former Manchester City youth-teamer weeps out of his one remaining eye. The bullied child that Balotelli helped back in 2011, is now The Pope.

In July, Ghana win the 2018 World Cup in the Qatar, who purchased the tournament off Russia in order to practice for the 2022 World Cup. As they lift the trophy, the manager Marco Matterazzi peels off his skin to reveal Mario Barwuah Balotelli underneath. He smiles and winks at the camera. Then all the lights in the stadium go out. When they are turned back on, he is nowhere to be seen, and Matterazzi’s skin lies bereft on the artificial pitch.

Birthday Present – A complete system reboot, reverting him to factory settings

New Allergy – Grass (again)

2019 – Balotelli becomes a homosexual for Lent. The News of the Sun newspaper runs an exclusive on Easter Day, listing his Lent sexual conquests. Joey Barton, Ousmane Dabo, Sir Richard Branson, Caster Semenya and Aston from JLS all tell how Mario promised them the world, and a Ferrari for their birthday, before smiling, winking, extinguishing all light, and vanishing.

Birthday Present – Tickets to Billy Elliot

New Allergy – Wood

2020 – Balotelli turns 30 and, realising he still hasn’t won the Premier League, bizarrely cobbles together a team consisting of players whose names rhyme with ‘ALA’ or ‘AMBA’, to be managed by himself. Mario changes his name by deed poll to ‘Balatelli’ in order to gain respect from his players.

The starting XI:

Ma Kalambay,

Bambara, Samba, Bamba, Alaba,

Shikabala, Muamba, Tshabalala,

Tshibamba, Kitambala, Ba

Docked 5 points for the ineligibility of Demba Ba (his name neither contains nor rhymes with ‘ALA’ or ‘AMBA’), Balotelli drafts in CM 01/02 prodigy Cherno Samba.

On the last day of the season Balatelli’s side play Marco Matterazzi’s FC United of Manchester in a game that they must win in order to seize the title. Golden Boot winner Cherno Samba is played in by Tshabalala and, inexplicably, attempts a sort of turkey-twizzle back-heel shot, which dribbles tamely wide.

Mario Balatelli turns and smiles, winks at the camera, and……………

.....................................................................................................................................................................................................

http://themakelelerole.wordpress.com/

Hilarious

[LDN Blue 7,903]

LMAO! That was genius.

[Laylabelle 9,305]

Hahahah!!!!!

Forgot about the random grass allergy

Apprantly when he went to get petrol he paid for everyone elses...nandos..paid for everyone elses...kinda awwwwwwwwww

Edited January 10, 2012 by Laylabelle

[Beirut_Blues 306]

Hes been suspended for 4 games...think he meant it?

Rosell of uefa fc is now calling for a similar punishment to Pepe..good old FA setting the example now r they

[LDN Blue 7,903]

"He [Mario] is very disappointed about the decision. He loves playing in England. He keeps asking why always me? Why does it always come back to me? He loves playing in England and I think he feels persecuted."

[ulsterchelsea 3,213]

I mean this in the most constructive way possible when i say hes a dopey cunt...Why always me he asks? Because you are your own worst enemy

[osgoodisgod 150]

Pah, what's a few a day?

One fag a day trebles your risk of smoking related disease - doesn't matter how fit you are the longer you smoke, the more you smoke it will get you, it will kill you, it will drown you and you will have your limbs cut off - bit by bit -- and I still can't stop

[zolayes 14,489]

One fag a day trebles your risk of smoking related disease - doesn't matter how fit you are the longer you smoke, the more you smoke it will get you, it will kill you, it will drown you and you will have your limbs cut off - bit by bit -- and I still can't stop

thanks for those cheerful thoughts ...60 years of 30 a day ,,,I wonder if Ive stopped in time.

[zolayes 14,489]

Hes been suspended for 4 games...think he meant it?

Rosell of uefa fc is now calling for a similar punishment to Pepe..good old FA setting the example now r they

I think he has been found guilty to satisfy the kangaroo court verdict of the media.

[osgoodisgod 150]

thanks for those cheerful thoughts ...60 years of 30 a day ,,,I wonder if Ive stopped in time.

Never too late to stop mate - you will start recovering within hours. I just can't stop having one fag a day despite knowing that it will probably fuck me up one day, sincerely hope your luck continues

[manpe 10,857]

One fag a day trebles your risk of smoking related disease - doesn't matter how fit you are the longer you smoke, the more you smoke it will get you, it will kill you, it will drown you and you will have your limbs cut off - bit by bit -- and I still can't stop

lol sounds like something off those propagandistic anti-smoking websites

[LDN Blue 7,903]

One fag a day trebles your risk of smoking related disease - doesn't matter how fit you are the longer you smoke, the more you smoke it will get you, it will kill you, it will drown you and you will have your limbs cut off - bit by bit -- and I still can't stop

Mhmm, my problem is when alcohol's around. The urge for one never becomes to great!