Joke Thread

[Special Juan 27,439]

DJ Campbell has just released a statement: "I'm 100% innocent and hoping to play in our 2-2 draw at Millwall this Saturday"

[Special Juan 27,439]

I had a fly crawl under my keyboard earlier. Don't worry though, it's under CTRL.

[Fulham Broadway 16,920]

A young couple.were having financial problems so the husband talks the wife into prostituting herself to earn some money, she protests that she knows nothing about that kind of thing but he reassures her.
"I'll be your pimp and I'll be standing nearby the whole time, everything will be OK"

So that night she is standing on a street corner and a guy pulls up in a brand new car. He winds the window down.
"How much for full sex?" she asks him to wait and runs round the corner to her husband.
"He wants to know how much"
"Mmm, that's a nice car, ask for £500"
So off she goes but the punter tells her he only has £100, she runs round the corner and her husband says "Tell him for £100 he can have a blow job"

She goes back and tells him and the man agrees, so she gets in the car and he unbuttons his trousers and gets his massive cock out and the woman can't believe her eyes.
"Wow" she says,"wait there"

She runs out of the car and says to her husband. "Don't be a bastard Joe, lend him £400"

[Fulham Broadway 16,920]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments almost to a climax of his cock and balls then asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great thanks”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”

[DJames 729]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[edetarod 2,155]

Manchester United

[Canary 4]

Manchester United

Nice one.

[Fulham Broadway 16,920]

So Santa lives in the north pole ?

Mmm. Not so sure. Think about it.

He wears red n white. He has all these unaccounted for electrical items. He breaks into houses. He drives an unlicenced vehicle, and the lazy bastard works one day a year.

Yup, youve guessed it the cunts got to be scouse.

[Billy. 2,742]

Just started a music band, we are called 999 megabytes........We don't have a gig yet

taking this

[Milan 17,859]

Subject: Simple maths?

Makes sense to me!

2+2+2=7

Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? ...

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?

Johnny: Seven

Teacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Six.

Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?

Johnny: Seven!!!

A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from ?!?!?

A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f***ing cat

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Apologies in advance for the following lame joke but it made me laugh for some reason

- "I love Beyonce..."

- Whatever floats your boat, mate.

- No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'.

[zolayes 14,489]

Have we renamed the Spurs thread???

[zolayes 14,489]

Maybe its the Moyes column

[Special Juan 27,439]

Man United once the Goliath of English football....

Then along came David...........

[Strike 7,250]

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too."

[DJames 729]

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr.Moyes and Mr. Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others

The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.

The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine.

The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes.

Then Mr. Moyes said; "Hey guys what about my pint...???"

Rodgers looked at him and said; "Sorry David, this is the
fourth round, and you are NOT in it."

[Milan 17,859]

Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"

father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell yiou something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months later

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"

Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."

This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.

Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"

The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."

Dad Fainted

[Steve 10,227]

5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr.Moyes and Mr. Martinez.....

The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the others

The second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.

The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine.

The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes.

Then Mr. Moyes said; "Hey guys what about my pint...???"

Rodgers looked at him and said; "Sorry David, this is the

fourth round, and you are NOT in it."

My mate showed me this the other day

Fantastic!!