Joke Thread

[jonaaibosk 191]

Do we have one of these?

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Bob works hard at the office but spends two nights each week bowling, and plays golf every Saturday.

His wife thinks he's pushing himself too hard, so for his birthday she takes him to a local strip club.

The doorman at the club greets them and says, 'Hey, Bob! How ya doin?'

His wife is puzzled and asks if he's been to this club before.

'Oh no,' says Bob. 'He's in my bowling league.

When they are seated, a waitress asks Bob if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says, 'How did she know that you drink Budweiser?'
'I recognize her, she's the waitress from the golf club.
I always have a Bud at the end of the 1st nine, honey.'

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Bob, starts to rub herself all over him and says,
'Hi Bobby. Want your usual table dance, big boy?'

Bob's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Bob follows and spots her getting into a cab.


Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

Bob tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it .

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every 4 letter word in the book.

The cabby turns around and says,
'Geez Bob, you picked up a real bitch this time.'


Bob's funeral will be on Friday!

[Fulham Broadway 17,315]

Stuck a new porn movie in the DVD player the other night -it was fucking rubbish though.

All it seemed to be was a grey picture of some bloke with his cock in his hand.

Then I realised -silly me, I hadnt switched the tele on

[CHOULO19 24,332]

We used to have one but it got archived when we moved to the new (old) server. Really missed FB's jokes

[Heisenberg 1,824]

Arsenal.

You can also tell this story with Tottenham.

[The Skipper 20,609]

Fernando Torres.

[Ankit 3,176]

A Czech visiting India goes for an eye check.

Ophthalmologist shows the letters 'CZWXNQSTACZ'

to the Czech, 'Can you read this?' he asks.

.

.

. .

.

.

'Read?' the Czech replies, 'I even know the Guy!!!

PS: It's just a joke, i hope Czech members here don't feel bad! Not the intention.

[Milan 17,957]

A Czech visiting India goes for an eye check.

Ophthalmologist shows the letters 'CZWXNQSTACZ'

to the Czech, 'Can you read this?' he asks.

.

.

. .

.

.

'Read?' the Czech replies, 'I even know the Guy!!!

PS: It's just a joke, i hope Czech members here don't feel bad! Not the intention.

that's a bit too much but quality

[Fulham Broadway 17,315]

Still trying to watch porn...

Just now the missus caught me on this great porn site.

She says if she ever catches me on it again she will bang my

head against the fucking keyboa98$%(*25n0928tgv9ugh!!

[jonaaibosk 191]

Ok this is a bit of sick joke so I'll put it in a spoiler for those easily offended dont read it.

If Internet bullying has taught us anything, it's that people would rather hang themselves than lose a bit of weight

[Ankit 3,176]

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain... do whatever he tells you.

Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is obviously very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us both. Be strong, honey. I love you!"

His wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me that he's gay, thinks you're cute, and asked if we had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you, too!"

[edenhazard17 281]

David Moyes.

[NishC300 1,865]

@Funny_Leone

If you (want) more Likes in your FB picture, just change it to Black & White...

[CHOULO19 24,332]

When a door closes, another opens....I really need a new car.

[The_Flash 1,144]

David Moyes as man utd manager

Funniest joke all year

[Sidzeret 2,257]

A doctor wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he approached his assistant.

“Seamus, I am going hunting tomorrow. I don’t want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of my patients.”

“Yes, sir!” – answers Seamus.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the following day and asks: ”So, Seamus, how was your day?”

Seamus told him that he took care of three patients.

“The first one had a headache so I gave him Tylenol.”

“Bravo, and the second one?” – asks the doctor.

“The second one had stomach burning and I gave him Malox, sir.” – says Seamus.

“Bravo, bravo! You’re good at this and what about the third one?” – asks the doctor.

“Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opened and a woman entered. Like a flame, she undressed herself, taking off everything including her bra, her panties and lied down on the table. She spread her legs and shouted: “HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!”

“Thunderin’ Lard Jayzus, Seamus, what did ye do?” – asks the doctor.

“I put drops in her eyes.” !!!!!

[Ankit 3,176]

An man went to police station for

filing report for his missing wife:

Man : I lost my wife (misty) ,she went for shopping and still not reached home yet

Inspector: What is her height

Man: I never noticed

Inspector: Slim or healthy

Man: Not slim can be healthy

Inspector: Colour of eyes

Man: Never noticed

Inspector: Colour of hair

Man: Changes according to

season

Inspector: What was she wearing

Man:I dont

remember exactly

Inspector: Was she going in a car ?????????

Man: yes

Inspector : tell me the number ,name and color of the car

Man: black audi A8 with supercharged 3.0 liter V6 engine generating 333 horse power teamed with an eight-

speed tiptronic automatic

transmission with manual mode.

And it has full LED

headlights, which use light

emitting diodes for all light

functions and has a very thin scratch on the front yleft door . And

then the man started crying..

Inspector: Don't worry sir, we will find the car.

[Special Juan 28,141]

Cadburys are bringing out an Oriental chocolate bar.....Could be a Chinese Wispa

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My mate said he is going to a fancy dress as an Italian Island.......I said don't be Sicily

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"It's a boy!"

Great thing to yell outside St Mary's hospital.

Horrible thing to yell in a Thai brothel.

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An American businessman was in Japan. He hired a local hooker and was going at it all night with her.

She kept screaming "Fujifoo, Fugifoo!!!", which the guy took to be pleasurable.

The next day, he was golfing with his Japanese counterparts and he got a hole-in-one. Wanting to impress the clients, he said "Fujifoo". The Japanese clients looked confused and said "No, you got the right hole!!!

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My PC takes that long to shut down I have called it Nelson Mandela.

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[Stingray 9,441]

Ok this is a bit of sick joke so I'll put it in a spoiler for those easily offended dont read it.

If Internet bullying has taught us anything, it's that people would rather hang themselves than lose a bit of weight

Hahahahahahahahahahahaha !!

I should have known I'd like that sort of humour :-)

[hjperdeath 2,226]

A Couple went to have their baby delivered... Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.....
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband both were ecstatic.....
When they reached home.....

The Cook was lying dead in the kitchen!

[Billy. 2,742]

bit a a rude joke

Q

the difference between a straight man's moustache and a gay man's moustache???

A

The smell!!!