Joke Thread

[nachikethas 1,149]

'1-2, 1-2, 1-2 Man United losing like they're testing a mic!'

@Talksport

[DJames 729]

My mate showed me this the other day

Fantastic!!

Someone needs to buy the person who made this a beer!!

[babu 261]

How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?

These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published by

court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
_______________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?
WITNESS: July 18th.
ATTORNEY: What year?
WITNESS: Every year.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?
WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.
ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?
WITNESS: Forty-five years.
_________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget..
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
_____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you sh*ting me?
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death..
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male.
_____________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral...
_________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PM
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________
And last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No..
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.


- - - Updated - - -


An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".

The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.

The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered.

"But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.

That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.

The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.

Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president.

"Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.

He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada!

[Special Juan 27,528]

What do you get if you cross Chris Smalling and Thomas Hitzlsperger?

A suicide bummer.

[blu35_army 551]

[Roquila 1,335]

A policeman called Arsene Wenger on the phone and told him: ' Sir, i am sorry to tell you but someone stabbed you son today.'

Arsene Wenger was in deep pain and started screaming and shouting: 'Nooooooo, he got his new shirt on today.'

Explanation for dummies: Arsene doesn't like to spent that much.

[babu 261]

An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:

Dear Vincent,
I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.
Love, Papa


A few days later he received a letter from his son.
Dear Papa,
Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..
Love, Vinnie
;
At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Papa,
Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.
Love you, Vinnie


- - - Updated - - -


THE REFRIGERATOR

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died.

"No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!

Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!

The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."

The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died."

"Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!

Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"

The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.

A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel.

"Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...."

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Old one but still awesome:

[jonaaibosk 191]

A policeman called Arsene Wenger on the phone and told him: ' Sir, i am sorry to tell you but someone stabbed you son today.'

Arsene Wenger was in deep pain and started screaming and shouting: 'Nooooooo, he got his new shirt on today.'

Explanation for dummies: Arsene doesn't like to spent that much.

When you have to put an explanation at the end of your joke it's really just an admission that it's not really that funny

[Roquila 1,335]

When you have to put an explanation at the end of your joke it's really just an admission that it's not really that funny

If you don't like it just move on.

[Special Juan 27,528]

Paddy went into the pizza shop and asked for 10 inch margarita, the shop assistant asked "Do you want it cutting into 4 or 6"

He said "Cut it into 4 I couldn't eat 6"

[CHOULO19 24,332]

My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction before I got carried away.

[KevinAshburner 1,270]

Read all the dirty Penis Jokes on that website

Penis Jokes

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/penisjokes.html

I didn't put any of those joke samples from there because they are to dirty and are + 18 years old material.

[babu 261]

18+ Jokes

Kid fails in exam.

Dad: Hereafter, don`t call me dad.

Kid: Oh come on dad, it was just a school test not the DNA test.

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
..
.
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already !!

-----------

Sales girl : sorry, u cant smoke here,

Customer : but i bought cigarettes from here..

Sales girl : sir we sell condoms too,
but it doesn't mean u start fu*king here....

-----------

TENSION : When wife is pregnant !!
TERROR : When girlfriend is pregnant !!
HORROR : When both r pregnant !!!
TRAGEDY : When you are not Responsible !!!!

-----------

Grand father to Grand son:
Go hide!..... Your teacher is here because you bunked school today!

Grand Son:
NOOoooooo. ......You go and hide… I told her I'm on a leave because you passed away today

-----------

Irony of a woman.

All the day she:
Puts make up

... Puts Sexy Perfume

And Makes the best hairstyle

Finally, People look at her and
say:"WoW Nice Ass"

-----------

[Milan 17,878]

[babu 261]

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their
mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other
better since relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the
daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was
involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were
all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they
perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so
hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied,
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!

- - - Updated - - -

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

[Fulham Broadway 16,975]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc .etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. “

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays football for Manchester United but I was just too embarrassed to say”.

[babu 261]

The Italian Lover

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian."


- - - Updated - - -


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM TALL 38D Boobs 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !".