Joke Thread

[Special Juan 28,141]

Paddy went into the pizza shop and asked for 10 inch margarita, the shop assistant asked "Do you want it cutting into 4 or 6"

He said "Cut it into 4 I couldn't eat 6"

[CHOULO19 24,332]

My doctor told me to quit my helium addiction before I got carried away.

[KevinAshburner 1,270]

Read all the dirty Penis Jokes on that website

Penis Jokes

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/dirtyjokes/penisjokes.html

I didn't put any of those joke samples from there because they are to dirty and are + 18 years old material.

[babu 261]

18+ Jokes

Kid fails in exam.

Dad: Hereafter, don`t call me dad.

Kid: Oh come on dad, it was just a school test not the DNA test.

Boy 1: Why do you run from a naked lady?
..
.
Boy 2: Because my mum said that if I look at a naked lady, I’ll turn into stone. A part of me is getting hard already !!

-----------

Sales girl : sorry, u cant smoke here,

Customer : but i bought cigarettes from here..

Sales girl : sir we sell condoms too,
but it doesn't mean u start fu*king here....

-----------

TENSION : When wife is pregnant !!
TERROR : When girlfriend is pregnant !!
HORROR : When both r pregnant !!!
TRAGEDY : When you are not Responsible !!!!

-----------

Grand father to Grand son:
Go hide!..... Your teacher is here because you bunked school today!

Grand Son:
NOOoooooo. ......You go and hide… I told her I'm on a leave because you passed away today

-----------

Irony of a woman.

All the day she:
Puts make up

... Puts Sexy Perfume

And Makes the best hairstyle

Finally, People look at her and
say:"WoW Nice Ass"

-----------

[Milan 17,957]

[babu 261]

A group of young women decided to arrange for a camp with their
mothers-in-laws to hopefully get to know and understand each other
better since relations between them were very sour.

Two buses were hired, one for the mothers-in-law and the other for the
daughters-in-law.

Unfortunately the bus the mothers-in-law were travelling in was
involved in an accident and all the passengers died on the spot.

The daughters in law (women being women) shed a few tears but they were
all puzzled by one woman who wailed uncontrollably for what they
perceived to be her loss.

Her friend asked her, "Forgive me for asking but why are you crying so
hard, I didn't realize you were so close to your mother-in-law?"

To which she replied,
"No we are not close at all, she missed the bus!

- - - Updated - - -

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favor?”

“Of course my child. What may I do for you?”

“Well, I bought an expensive woman’s electronic hair dryer for my mother’s birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it.

Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?”

The priest answered: “I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie.”

“With your honest face, Father, no one will question you”

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her. The official asked, “Father, do you have anything to declare?”

“From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare.”

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, “And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?”

“I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.”

Roaring with laughter, the official said, “Go ahead, Father. Next!”

[Fulham Broadway 17,316]

Billy was at school this morning and the teacher asked all the children what their fathers did for a living.

All the typical answers came out – fireman, policeman, salesman, tradesman etc .etc., but Billy was being uncharacteristically quiet and so the teacher asked him about his father.

“My father is an exotic dancer in a gay club and takes off all his clothes in front of other men.

Sometimes if the offer is really good, he’ll go out with a man, rent a cheap hotel room and let them sleep with him. “

The teacher quickly set the other children some work to do and took Billy aside to ask him was that really true.

“No” said Billy, “He plays football for Manchester United but I was just too embarrassed to say”.

[babu 261]

The Italian Lover

The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman. Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. "No."

Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"

Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."

Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.

Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"

Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear....."No, I Norwegian."


- - - Updated - - -


Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee in St. Peter's Square. The first Catholic man tells his friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'." The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'." The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone bows their head and says 'Your Eminence'." The fourth Catholic man says very proudly, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'." Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?" She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, SLIM TALL 38D Boobs 24"WAIST and 36"HIPS. When she walks into a room, people say, "Jesus Christ !".

[babu 261]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both
were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend,
however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they
proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, 'These girls nights out have
got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife
came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came
back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all
of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'!'

[CHOULO19 24,332]

EDIT: Removed.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Pathetic.

You're right, that's probably a bit over the top. I'm sorry you were offended, removed.

[babu 261]

Married humour
~~~~~~~~~~

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like
your sense of humor."

[babu 261]

LAW OF THE JUNGLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked
both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a
pair of Nikes.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you
run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to
run faster than you".

So that the Tiger can catch u not me hehehehe...

[cosmicway 1,333]

First Irihman: Did you go to the doctor?

Second Irishman: Yes.

First Irishman: And what did he say?

Second Irishman: "30 pounds please"

First Irishman: No you silly ... I mean what did you have?

Second Irishman: 20 pounds.

First Irishman: Boy, you are stupid, I mean what was your problem?

Second Irishman: Err, I was short of 10 pounds.

[Jusek 2,031]

Tot'num

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Not making this up, seriously just read this in a media source and it made me laugh so hard:

"Manchester United will let RVP leave in the summer if they can land Cavani"

:lol:

[Roquila 1,335]

Kaboul,Vertonghen,Walker.

[cosmicway 1,333]

This one is from the time Hyde Park was a flower pot, but you probably don't know it:

Seamus and Paddy go to the Vatican for pilgrimage.

They go to the churches make their prayers and as they are looking around in admiration a cardinal approaches them and says "I undestood you two are Irish, I 'm Irish too and I love the old country so I 'm going to tell you a secret so we can make some money", "the pope is dead but there is disagreement among the cardinals over who is going to be the next one, so we are not announcing it", "we expect to settle that and make the announcement next week", "as we are not allowed to bet, you two are chosen to do the betting on pope's date of death and then you cut me a small piece of the action - for the church of course".
Seamus and Paddy look one another in disbelief and say "ok, cardinal, it's a deal".
The next day they depart for Ireland and early the following week Vatican makes the announcement of pope's death.
Two days pass, but our cardinal has no news from the two Irishmen.
Two more days, nothing !
So the cardinal in dismay phones Seamus in Dublin to find out what's going on.

A woman's voice in apparent distress answers the call. She says "hello, this is misses Seamus, sob, sob".
The cardinal replies "listen here my good lady, I am the cardinal, I made a deal with your husband and I want to find out what in heaven's name is going on".
At this misses Seamus bursts into tears "oooh, my poor Seamus he is in hospital with sedatives three days now, it's about the bet is n't it ?".
"Yes" says the cardinal, "what happened ?"
"Sob, sob, sob" replies misses Seamus "he placed it but made it into a double with Real Madrid and Real Madrid drew" !

[babu 261]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

- - - Updated - - -

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ¤¤¤ and having the balls to say: "You're next, vetgat."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[babu 261]

Joke: Three women eating ice-cream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies

"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

A man used to go to church every sunday just to see a reallllly hot nun
when the man finally worked up the courage to go talk to her, she said "I couldn't. Besides, i'd only fool around with a priest."

Broken-hearted, them man took a taxi home. When the taxi driver asked the guy why he was so sad, he told him the story. The taxi driver suggested dressing up like a priest, going to the church and ¤¤¤¤ing the nun . Thinking this was a good idea, the man went and bought a priest's disguise.

Next Sunday, the man went to church and after everyone else had left, he donned the disguise and asked the nun for some . The nun replied, "OK but only in the bumhole, i don't want to completely lose my viginity."

After the act , the man ripped off his disguise and said "Ha ha, im not a priest, im the guy who you turned down last week!"
"Ha ha, jokes on you, im the taxi driver!