The Benitez Thread

[Milan 17,853]

[Fulham Broadway 16,832]

Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

The main quality Margaret Gerving wants in a player is politeness

England’s longest-running farce has drawn up a schedule of 15-minute managerial appointments, starting with 78-year-old Margaret Gerving from Carlisle, who will oversee the first part of Sunday’s match against Manchester City.

The huge rota will begin as soon as Chelsea staff find Rafael Benitez, who is currently hiding somewhere in Stamford Bridge with the keys to the main entrance and all the forks from the canteen stuffed into his coat pockets.

Margaret Gerving said: “My grandson puts the football on sometimes when he comes to visit and that’s given me enough insight to know that Torres can fucking whistle if he thinks he’s starting up front.

“I will be starting that nice Ashley Cole, though. Beautiful manners and immaculately turned out, he is. It’s a mystery no nice young lady has snapped him up.”

Each sacking will be accompanied by a six-figure payout and it’s hoped that Chelsea can drag the country out of recession by the time the first few million people have been sent on gardening leave.

Employed people will be allowed to manage the club during their lunch hour and the under-fives will be given overnight slots which are anticipated to be quiet, apart from the occasional Travelodge-related incident.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “I don’t have the full list of forthcoming managers to hand but I can tell you that Sven Goran Eriksson is about 62 millionth.”

[Rmpr 8,977]

@Fulham Broadway, OMG I CANT STOP LAFFING!!!

[Milan 17,853]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl0c3ucmXiY

[Tabby 0]

Rafa out. Never won anything.

[Jase 43,479]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl0c3ucmXiY

Not bad. Hope he can implement his ideas well across and manage the squad properly to obtain the desired results.

[cousin benson 76]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xl0c3ucmXiY

weird to see him kitted out in Chelsea gear. fuck it, what's done is done, we can't change anything now. Lets be positive for Sunday and beyond!!!!!!

Come on the Chels!!!!!

[pHaRaOn 2,131]

Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

The main quality Margaret Gerving wants in a player is politeness

England’s longest-running farce has drawn up a schedule of 15-minute managerial appointments, starting with 78-year-old Margaret Gerving from Carlisle, who will oversee the first part of Sunday’s match against Manchester City.

The huge rota will begin as soon as Chelsea staff find Rafael Benitez, who is currently hiding somewhere in Stamford Bridge with the keys to the main entrance and all the forks from the canteen stuffed into his coat pockets.

Margaret Gerving said: “My grandson puts the football on sometimes when he comes to visit and that’s given me enough insight to know that Torres can fucking whistle if he thinks he’s starting up front.

“I will be starting that nice Ashley Cole, though. Beautiful manners and immaculately turned out, he is. It’s a mystery no nice young lady has snapped him up.”

Each sacking will be accompanied by a six-figure payout and it’s hoped that Chelsea can drag the country out of recession by the time the first few million people have been sent on gardening leave.

Employed people will be allowed to manage the club during their lunch hour and the under-fives will be given overnight slots which are anticipated to be quiet, apart from the occasional Travelodge-related incident.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “I don’t have the full list of forthcoming managers to hand but I can tell you that Sven Goran Eriksson is about 62 millionth.”

Andy Warhol once said: "In the future everyone will be world-famous for 15 minutes".

And I guess everyone will be famous by being Chelsea manager.

[OneMoSalah 8,776]

Pardon me for being an idiot and perhaps even paranoid here but what did Mata mean when he said they are training more movements statically? Statically?!!

Think he said tactically, because he went on to explain how they work on pressing and the team shape.

[TheCount 146]

Everyone to have managed Chelsea by 2014

CHELSEA FC has confirmed that everybody in the UK will have a chance to manage their club over the next two years.

The main quality Margaret Gerving wants in a player is politeness

England’s longest-running farce has drawn up a schedule of 15-minute managerial appointments, starting with 78-year-old Margaret Gerving from Carlisle, who will oversee the first part of Sunday’s match against Manchester City.

The huge rota will begin as soon as Chelsea staff find Rafael Benitez, who is currently hiding somewhere in Stamford Bridge with the keys to the main entrance and all the forks from the canteen stuffed into his coat pockets.

Margaret Gerving said: “My grandson puts the football on sometimes when he comes to visit and that’s given me enough insight to know that Torres can fucking whistle if he thinks he’s starting up front.

“I will be starting that nice Ashley Cole, though. Beautiful manners and immaculately turned out, he is. It’s a mystery no nice young lady has snapped him up.”

Each sacking will be accompanied by a six-figure payout and it’s hoped that Chelsea can drag the country out of recession by the time the first few million people have been sent on gardening leave.

Employed people will be allowed to manage the club during their lunch hour and the under-fives will be given overnight slots which are anticipated to be quiet, apart from the occasional Travelodge-related incident.

A Chelsea spokesman said: “I don’t have the full list of forthcoming managers to hand but I can tell you that Sven Goran Eriksson is about 62 millionth.”

I'd sig this if its possible, best thing i've read here ever.

[Severinb 309]

http://www.guardian....lsea?CMP=twt_gu

WTF how can they let them go this is becoming one of the worst week as a chelsea fan..

[Henrique 9,133]

Guardiola can become brazilian nt head coach. It means Benitez will be here untill 2014.

lol

[Blue Armour 4,278]

http://www.guardian....lsea?CMP=twt_gu

WTF how can they let them go this is becoming one of the worst week as a chelsea fan..

Not that Benitez has a say in the matter...

But anyway, its disappointing if true. I understand the club shouldn't simply give into player demands, but you do have to reach a compromise. If players like Cole and Lampard are dispensable, why do they continue to return to the starting eleven every few days? Unless they have a desperate need to balance their books, I hope the board reconsiders their position on this.

[Yasser 63]

Guys on Sunday i hope to put everything behind us and support the team whatever who was the manager!

Come on the Chels!!!!!

[TorontoChelsea 4,064]

Not that Benitez has a say in the matter...

But anyway, its disappointing if true. I understand the club shouldn't simply give into player demands, but you do have to reach a compromise. If players like Cole and Lampard are dispensable, why do they continue to return to the starting eleven every few days? Unless they have a desperate need to balance their books, I hope the board reconsiders their position on this.

The problem is that the club stands firm on club legends but then goes and spends like crazy on transfers and pays insane salaries to sub-par players. David Luiz had 3 years left on his contract and Chelsea still gave him an insane 120K/week on a new contract. Why? Because there were rumours that Barca wanted him for 30M? Great! We can't afford to keep Lampard or Cole, but not only have we kept Torres who makes more than anyone, we keep trying to build teams around him. It's a lack of respect towards our legends. Anyway, how much more expensive is it going to be to go out and have to buy a new LB? You can't complain about nickles and dimes when you are flushing hundred dollar bills down the toilet.

[Strike 7,217]

The problem is that the club stands firm on club legends but then goes and spends like crazy on transfers and pays insane salaries to sub-par players. David Luiz had 3 years left on his contract and Chelsea still gave him an insane 120K/week on a new contract. Why? Because there were rumours that Barca wanted him for 30M? Great! We can't afford to keep Lampard or Cole, but not only have we kept Torres who makes more than anyone, we keep trying to build teams around him. It's a lack of respect towards our legends. Anyway, how much more expensive is it going to be to go out and have to buy a new LB? You can't complain about nickles and dimes when you are flushing hundred dollar bills down the toilet.

the transfer policy is completely out of the manager's hands. even under mourinho, i always felt that shevchencko was more of a Roman-signing than Jose's. Except Scolari, who made a few of his Own signings - Deco, Bosingwa, all the other managers were puppet-stringed in the transfer market. Remember AVB - "de Bruyne was more of a club signing"

Benitez will be no different. As he said, he will focus on Coaching the team. Emenalo, Gourlay and co. will be looking after transfers. i believe that's where we've got it all wrong. the manager should look at his team and think what's needed and what's not. not the executives.the manager will be the one with inside knowledge of the team and he should be given total control of transfers. well not under Rafa but from the summer onwards

[Chelsea? 892]

If we signed a monkey to manage us, some on here would start to praise it regardless of the crap that comes out of it. Rafa ain't don't nothing new since joining and we calling him smart already?

[Sheva. 5,373]

If we signed a monkey to manage us, some on here would start to praise it regardless of the crap that comes out of it. Rafa ain't don't nothing new since joining and we calling him smart already?

Yes, if the monkey has a proven track record...