The English Football Thread

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Classic scenarios from the Comedy 101 playbook Sign up now! Sign up now! Sign up now? Sign up now!  A bad weekend for Carlo Ancelotti. Photograph: Michael Regan/PA Scott Murray 1960s TV REFERENCES, THE KIDS CAN’T GET ENOUGH OF THEM It was a Valentine’s Day to remember for Granny Fiver, who spent the afternoon reminiscing, sweet sepia-toned memories of courting dearly departed Clive Dunn Fiver, a happy, nostalgic, 46.8% ABV juniper-flavoured tear rolling down her cheek. Weird Uncle Fiver enjoyed it too, receiving a card that looked roughly the same dimensions as a collectable magazine and locking himself in the bathroom to read it for five hours. But it wasn’t so good for The Fiver, who didn’t get any cards, chocolates, flowers or vintage bongo, again, or Everton, who meekly surrendered at home to Fulham, for goodness sake, their latest bid to get ahead of that useless shower over the park seemingly going the same way of all the other 387 attempts since 1988. Josh Maja pounces as Fulham punish lacklustre Everton to glimpse safety Read more If that wasn’t painful enough for Carlo Ancelotti, the Everton manager fell victim at the weekend to one of the classic scenarios from the Comedy 101 playbook: somebody stole his safe. Having been removed from Carlo Mansions by two enterprising gentlemen in matching black clothing, a sartorial tribute perhaps to Neville Southall, the safe was subsequently dumped in a local car park. Fans of cheap metaphor and facile tactical analysis will be delighted to hear that the code had easily been cracked and the door was wide open. The local constabulary have their best men, DCI Charlie Barlow and PC Fancy Smith, on the case. But it’s not easy gathering evidence with a piccolo-heavy theme tune ringing in your ears, and at the time of writing no arrests have been made. The Feds are understandably keeping their cards close to their chest, so have not disclosed the contents of the safe, whether said contents were stolen, or if Ancelotti was sitting in the front room binging a blu-ray box set of Softly, Softly while the heist was going on. Whatever, it’s the last thing the Everton boss needs. Now, when he should be planning ahead for Everton’s 22-man bench-emptying brawl with Liverpool next weekend, he’s got to go shopping for a big safe to put his safe in. That scenario’s on page two of the Comedy 101 playbook, incidentally. You’re welcome. LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE! Join Scott Murray from 8pm GMT for MBM coverage of Chelsea 3-1 Newcastle in the Premier League. QUOTE OF THE DAY “We are in a good flow. We have won the last four matches while Liverpool have not won five out of their last seven. They are the slight favourites based on their international experience but we have shown that we can hold our own against such teams, both last year and this season with a very tough group stage. We have clearly developed as a team” – RB Leipzig manager Julian Nagelsmann shows a criminal disregard for his media training by giving an engaging, balanced and honest preview of his side’s Big Cup tie against Liverpool.  It’s Nagelsmann! Photograph: Boris Streubel/Getty Images FIVER LETTERS “I have every faith that David Beckham’s Adidas v Puma documentary will be balanced and straight down the middle – it’s not as though he’s got a multi-million-pound lifetime sponsorship deal with one of the subjects” – Jim Hearson. “I think that between print and broadcast punditry this weekend we explored the topic of what could be in Gareth Bale’s head as much as we could, without getting any insight into the contents. Until we trip over a staggeringly disloyal mate, or he has startlingly unprofessional sports psychologist we will never know more. As Harry Pearson once said of Don Goodman, he could be wondering whether fish burp. Actually, that would explain things” – Jon Millard. “Re: Bayern Munich beating Chelsea and Liverpool to the signing of Dayot Upamecano. He really sounds like a player you can build a team around, not just another cog in the machine – he might strut around a bit, but he’s a hard nut who could bolt after anyone who tries to screw with him. That said, it’s a big step up at such a young age, and in the event he flops I wouldn’t be surprised if Bayern ship him out to Dynamo Kiev, Lokomotiv Moscow or maybe even Metallist Kharkhiv” – Tom Murray-Rust. Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Tom Murray-Rust. RECOMMENDED LISTENING Today’s commute from the office to the sofa is all taken care of: Football Weekly has landed!  It’s Max and Barry! Photograph: James Drew Turner/The Guardian NEWS, BITS AND BOBS Jürgen Klopp has dismissed rumours that he is about to do one from Anfield. “I don’t need a break,” he growled. “No one has to worry about me. Now we are in this situation, I see it as a challenge.” Anthony Martial was racially abused again on Instagram after Man Utd’s 1-1 at West Brom. Here’s a precis of Instagram’s response: The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers are investigating whether any of their players were at a Glasgow house party that was broken up by polis in the early hours of Sunday morning. Only two players or staff tested positive in the latest round of Premier League Covi-19 testing. Portsmouth manager Kenny Jackett is taking a short break from the job so that he can undertake an unspecified medical procedure. Joe Gallen will take over as caretaker manager. And Borussia Mönchengladbach have confirmed coach Marco Rose will do one at the end of the season to take over at Borussia Dortmund. STILL WANT MORE? Gareth Bale and Liverpool’s sentimentality monsters feature in our round-up of a busy weekend in the Premier League.  Red-hot composite action, right here. Composite: Getty/Shutterstock/NMC Andy Brassell on Dayot Upamecano’s transfer to Bayern Munich and all the other Bundesliga news. Nicky Bandini on a romantic weekend in Serie A, which included a famous win for Spezia against Milan Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO! CARDBOARD MEN ARE STRONG BUT PAPER CAN BE TORN!

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Projected rankings at the end of the season 2020/21

https://football-observatory.com/IMG/sites/b5wp/2020/wp325/en/

 

Issue number 325 of the CIES Football Observatory Weekly Post presents the points projected at the end of the season for teams from 22 leagues across Europe. The projection was calculated using a statistical model taking into account shots on target and from the box attempted or conceded, ball possession, as well as teams’ own passes and those of opponents in the opposite third of the pitch.

According to this projection, Inter Milan would be crowned Italian champions 11 years after their last title, ahead of Milan AC (+2 points) and Juventus (+3). The biggest surprise would come from France, where Olympique Lyonnais would total 82 points, one more than Paris St-Germain. In Spain, Atlético Madrid would have to fight up until the end of the season against Barcelona (+3 points), while Bayern Munich in Germany should have a more relaxing season end.

In the Premier League, Manchester City would outrank Manchester United by 14 points, with Liverpool at 3rd position ahead of Chelsea for the last Champions League spot. WBA would finish last, behind Sheffield United and Burnley, while Fulham would avoid relegation. Brentford and Norwich would total 89 points in the Championship, eight more than Swansea. More stats for teams from 35 European leagues are to be found in the CIES Football Observatory Performance Atlas powered by InStat data.

Projected rankings at the end of the season 2020/21

Projection calculated on 10/02/2021

[NikkiCFC 7,582]

 

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2020-21 English Premier League

West Ham United            
Sheffield United              

http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/premier-league-west-ham-united-vs-sheffield-united-s1/#!

https://www.totalsportek.com/page-3/

[NikkiCFC 7,582]

Surely Soucek and Gundogan will make team of the season?

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3 minutes ago, NikkiCFC said:

Surely Soucek and Gundogan will make team of the season?

I would think so if they keep it up.

Rice has been a monster too

Bruno Fernandes will likely beat out de Bruyne due to KDB's big injury.

Grealish would make it as a winger I think.

Pure MFers

the other who have been great are

Mount

Youri Tielemans (great rebound from a bit of a slump)

Maddison

Tanguy Ndombélé

Rodri

Yves Bissouma (under the radar)

Kante (WHEN he has played correctly he has been insanely good, but is far too often played out of position)

Foden is a winger in my mind, as is Harvey Barnes

 

[Atomiswave 6,072]

He needs to be shown the footage of him strangling Azpi in the box with no consequence at OT the cunt.

[Milan 17,835]

Oops 😄

[Atomiswave 6,072]

I sent this to a pool friend just to wind him up, trust me he had it coming 😂

WTH why cant I post pics anymore? Anyway its a pic of 6 fingers ( the position they find themselves in )

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That point of the season where every Big Cup match really matters    Neymar feels the pain. Photograph: Stéphane Mahé/Reuters Barry Glendenning  @bglendenning Following 96 group games played ostensibly to get rid of Manchester United, Inter and Ajax, as well as the 13 other also-rans nobody gave a snowball’s chance in hell of qualifying for the knockout stages, hurrah for that point of the season where every Big Cup match really matters and watching is invariably a pleasure rather than an often dreary ordeal. Despite speculation that jeopardy might be increased by reducing knockout ties to potentially riotous one-legged white-knuckle rides for reasons pertaining to Covid, Uefa have decided to crack on with the usual format with a few minor but necessary and potentially controversial tweaks. The faintly ludicrous upshot? Travel restrictions in certain European countries mean Liverpool, Chelsea and Manchester City could all conceivably sneak into the last eight on away goals, despite playing opponents who are being forced to play their home legs against English opponents in neutral venues far away from their actual homes. Having made the 400-mile trip to Budapest to “host” Liverpool tonight, RB Leipzig can be reasonably confident of getting a result against a team whose domestic title defence has spectacularly hit the skids. Managed by the confident young German clothes horse Julian Nagelsmann, whose controversial trousers were the talk of last season’s Big Cup, Leipzig are hoping to emulate their semi-final appearance of a year ago. “He’s a big, big coaching talent,” said Nagelsmann’s compatriot and fellow gegenpressing enthusiast Jürgen Klopp. “We don’t know each other very well but I’ve followed his way because I like good football. He’s not the only one but he’s a good example of a lot of really good young managers in Germany.” Meanwhile in Barcelona, mischievous locals spent the night setting off fireworks outside the Paris Saint-Germain team hotel in a bid to prevent their side’s opponents from getting a good night’s kip ahead of their potential firecracker of an encounter. “It’s our clear objective to win [Big Cup] and we understand the responsibility and the excitement,” yawned Mauricio Pochettino, as a Big Bomb Sky Rocket screamed past his ear. If PSG are to avenge their famous 2017 Big Cup bottle-job in Barcelona, they will have to do so without Neymar, who looks certain to miss both legs against his former club with knack. “The sadness is huge, the pain is immense, and the weeping is constant,” wrote the tearful Brazilian in a melodramatic FaceSpace post. “For a while, I will once again have to stop doing the thing I most love in life, which is playing football. I dribble and I get hit constantly. It makes me very sad. It makes me very sad to have to listen to a player, a coach, a commentator or whoever the hell it is say ‘they have to kick him’, ‘he dives’, ‘cry-baby’ ‘spoilt kid’, etc. It saddens me and I don’t know how much longer I can take it. I just want to be happy playing football. NOTHING ELSE.” Here’s hoping his mood has improved by the end of the second leg, or his sister’s latest birthday, which falls the following day, could be quite the damp squib. LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE! Join Nick Ames for hot Big Cup coverage RB Leipzig 1-1 Liverpool and join Rob Smyth for the rollercoaster ride of Barcelona 3-3 PSG RECOMMENDED VOTING The Guardian, Football Weekly, The Fiver, David Conn, Jonathan Liew and Suzanne Wrack have all been nominated at the FSA Awards. Voting is open this week. Vote now! Vote Fiver!  If these cute animals could vote, they’d vote for the Fiver. If the Fiver were nominated. Which it isn’t. And they can’t. Photograph: Tierfotoagentur/Alamy Stock Photo QUOTE OF THE DAY “I decided after this season [I want] to do something new, to leave the club . It was no easy decision because I have been here for 13 years and this club is close to my heart” – David Alaba puts Real Madrid, Chelsea, Manchester City and Liverpool on red alert. Well, maybe just Real Madrid. FIVER LETTERS “Carlo doesn’t need to buy a big new safe [yesterday’s Fiver]. What he needs is a lifesize cardboard picture of his assistant Big D next to a sign saying: ‘I live here.’ Back in the day burglars broke into Big D’s house, apparently he heard a noise and went downstairs. The word was that it was the burglars who called the Feds” – Steve Roberts. “I am less than impressed that players from The Pope’s Newc O’Rangers might have been caught at a Glasgow house party after the Saturday match. In the 1960s my father – a detective in the Glasgow Polis – busted a tenement brothel in the Maryhill area and found one of the more famous players from said team drunk in the kitchen (and in his underpants) at three o’clock on the Saturday morning. He was playing 12 hours later and nothing in the match reports (my father checked!) suggested any deterioration in his performance – at Ibrox” – Roger Sigrist. Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Roger Sigrist. RECOMMENDED LOOKING David Squires dons his wetsuit and plunges into the cyber cesspool of social media.   NEWS, BITS AND BOBS Arsenal will remind Pierre-Emerick Aubameyang of his responsibilities after Insta footage revealed he had received some new ink from tattooist Alejandro Nicolas “Painless” Bernal. James McClean has been offered support by the Football Association of Ireland after he and his wife Erin revealed the extent of sectarian abuse he has been receiving on social media. It’s Atlético Madrid for Chelsea and Fiorentina for Manchester City in the last-16 draw of the Women’s Champions League. Mason Greenwood has signed a new four-year contract to stay at Manchester’s Big Red until 2025. “There is so much that I want to achieve in the game and I know that this is the perfect environment to play my football,” he chirruped. STILL WANT MORE? Marco van Basten, Falcão and Kev Nolan feature in the latest edition of the Joy of Six – half a dozen goals where the co-creator literally didn’t have a kick. Get your Big Cup last-16 previews and predictions for this week’s ties here. One of the five RB Leipzig players Nick Ames suggests Liverpool should beware in the Big Cup is Peter Gulásci, a goalkeeper brought to Anfield under Rafa Benítez, who sat on the bench under Mr Roy and Brendan, but never played a game for the club. Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO! GOODBYE CELESTIAL CLOUD. GOODBYE NEPTUNE SEAS.

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2020-21 English Premier League

Everton                               
Manchester City                 

http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/premier-league-everton-vs-manchester-city-s4/#!

https://www.totalsportek.com/page-4/

[Atomiswave 6,072]

So the so called experts are claiming that City is the best team to ever grace EPL......just months ago it was pool that were the best, you gotta laugh.

[NikkiCFC 7,582]

 

[MoroccanBlue 5,198]

I agree. Taking the knee will do nothing. As if racists will all of a sudden just stop being racist. 

[Atomiswave 6,072]

I said the same the other day, bending the knee is a disgrace and will do jack shit as you well can see.

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Friday February 19 2021 Football Nerd

Why the Merseyside derby is the most combustible in English football By Daniel Zeqiri The Merseyside derby is English football's most intimate local rivalry yet also its most combustible. No fixture in Premier League history has produced more red cards than Liverpool vs Everton, and this season's first meeting at Goodison Park was full of controversy. Purists have complained that penalties and red cards have been thrown about like confetti this season by over-eager officials and intrusive technology. It is official: this season's average of 0.35 penalties per game is the highest of the Premier League era. More penalties have been awarded so far this season than in nine Premier League campaigns in their entirety. However, contrary to popular belief, there have been relatively few red cards this season. Only seven Premier League campaigns have a lower ratio of red cards to game. I analyse the data in this week's Football Nerd, and ask if we can expect another Merseyside derby full of incident.   A Telegraph Sport subscription is only £1.50 a week, or £39 for 12 months   Get unlimited access   The best of this week's coverage Talisman: Bruno Fernandes is the closest Manchester United have come to finding another Eric Cantona, writes Luke Edwards Exclusive interview: Fikayo Tomori on Chelsea axe, Zoom calls with Maldini and how he won over Zlatan at Milan Big debate: Why is the England women's football team so white? Comment: David Moyes has beaten Jose Mourinho to manager of the year before - but this time he would deserve it Crisis club: How a hapless manager and a silent owner sent Ipswich Town into a spiral 'When games become stretched - like the frantic finale at Leicester last weekend - Thiago struggles. '   In his column this week, Jamie Carragher says Thiago Alcantara has looked luxurious with the ball and a liability without it for Liverpool     This week's best stat   18 Champions League goals scored by Erling Haaland, all before his 21st birthday. For perspective, Lionel Messi and Raul scored eight Champions League goals before that milestone.     The week in a picture   Back in the groove: Gareth Bale showed flashes of form with an excellent goal and assist for Spurs against Wolfsberger in the Europa League.     Newsletter Panel As a valued newsletter reader, we would like to invite you to join our Newsletter Panel. It’s a chance to have your say on what you think of our newsletters, and to be entered into a monthly prize draw when you participate in discussions and polls. If you are interested in joining please follow this link. After more? We have some excellent newsletters for you. Try our Cricket Nerd or Rugby Nerd newsletters for free. Get in touch Do you like the Football Nerd? Do you have a topic suggestion for next week? Send feedback to [email protected] If you have any problems with this newsletter, please visit our help page. If you have questions about your Telegraph subscription, including delivery issues or technical queries, please visit this page

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1 hour ago, Atomiswave said:

I said the same the other day, bending the knee is a disgrace and will do jack shit as you well can see.

how the fuck is it a disgrace???

seriously, wtf!  🤬

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2020-21 English Premier League

Wolverhampton Wanderers     
Leeds United                              

http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/premier-league-wolverhampton-wanderers-vs-leeds-united-s1/#!

https://www.totalsportek.com/page-3/