Joke Thread

[CrayzayBarnet 126]

Arsene Wenger's ambition.

[jonaaibosk 191]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers... ... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

[Spike 12,049]

The joke will be in your hands the next time you go to the toilet, lads.

[jonaaibosk 191]

The joke will be in your hands the next time you go to the toilet, lads.

[Fulham Broadway 17,331]

My youngest daughter was trying to open a pot of yoghurt this morning. After a bit of fruitless struggling she said "fucking stupid twatting bollocking lid, wont fucking budge".

Then my missus piped up "My God! Where did she get that from !?"

"From the fucking fridge, you silly cunt" I replied.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Nooo, don't let this thread get lost. It was almost off the first page. Let me try to get it started again:

-Son: Dad, why did you stop hanging out with your friend Bill?

Father: Well, son, if you learned that someone was a dirty drunk who cheats on his wife, would you still hang out with him?

Son: No, of course not.

Father: Well neither would Bill!

-Teacher: What's your name, son?

Student: B-B-B-B-Bryan.

Teacher: Do you have stuttering problem, son?

Student: No, but my dad does and the government official at the registration office was an asshole!

Those are translated from Arabic, so excuse any mistranslation.

[Ankit 3,176]

A guy decides to buy his Girlfriend a pair of gloves 4 Christmas.

A small gift as they have known each other for a little time and he noticed that her hands used to freeze during driving.

He decided to get romantic but not too personal.

He asked his GF's sister to help him in selection & hand size.

He picked up a pair of white gloves in the store. The sister gets a pair of panties for herself.

During wrapping, the Salesgirl inadvertently mixed the gifts.

Without checking, the guy gifts the Panties to his Girlfriend with a note, saying:

"Merry Christmas, I chose this, because i notice you do not wear these when we go out.

I would've chosen long ones but your sister wears short ones, which are easy to remove.

I checked it out on the Salesgirl as well & she looked really Beautiful.

I wish, i was there to put it for you for the first time.

When you take them off, remember to blow inside as there will be a damp spot naturally wearing it.

Just think how many times I'll kiss that in the upcoming years.

With Lots n Lots of Love

[DJames 729]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
"Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replies,"They had avocados."

[Billy. 2,742]

A woman walks past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window reads: ''Clitoris-licking frog for hire see onwer inside''. Intrigued she pushes the door open and goes up to the counter. ''Excuse me'' she says to the bloke behind the counter. Im interested in hiring the ''Clitoris-licking frog'' advertised in the window. ''Ah, Bonjour madame,'' he replies. ''Comment allez vous?''.

[Fulham Broadway 17,331]

I went to the doctors yesterday about my premature ejacultion issues. He was a bit concerned and asked how the missus was taking it ?

I was staright with him and told him she was taking it on the chin at first , but now its just getting on her tits.

[NishC300 1,865]

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

[Drogba11CFC 108]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Mark Clattenburg is due on the pitch for a Chelsea-Liverpool game and is nowhere to be seen.

The FA representative goes looking for him and finds him in the dressing room and says, "Hey, Mark, why are you in here and not on the pitch?"

Clattenburg says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle that my wife gave me."

Representative: "I don't care about a damn puzzle, get out on the pitch."

David: "No. I've been trying for weeks to do this jigsaw, and it's all I can think of right now."

Representative: "What's the puzzle of?"

Clattenburg: "It's a tiger."

The representative looks over Clattenburg's shoulder at the puzzle laid out on the floor and says, "For fuck's sake! Put the Frosties back in the box and get out on the pitch!"

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This is an old one:

A biology teacher asks her elementary class: "What human body organ can reach up to seven times it's original size when stimulated?"

At which a girl in the class gasps and, shocked, tells the teacher that she should not be saying stuff like that to kids their age.

The teacher does not answer the little girl but instead just repeats the question: "What human body organ can reach up to seven times it's original size when stimulated?"

The girl, feeling more indignant, stands up and yells at the teacher: "I'm telling my parents about this!"

At this point, a boy raises his hand and, after a nod from the teacher, says: "The eye pupil?"

Teacher: "Correct"

Teacher, now addressing the little girl: "First of all, you obviously didn't study your lessons at home, secondly I'm going to have a talk with your parents about your dirty little mind, and finally, I'm afraid to tell you that one day you're going to be very disappointed!"

[Spike 12,049]

How do you know when a girl is too young for sex?
When you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

What's the difference between jam and peanutbutter?

You can't peanutbutter your cock up your girlfriend's arse.

How do you make a gay man have sex with a straight woman?
Shit in her cunt.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

How do you know when a girl is too young for sex?

When you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

That never works...I usually make a "choo choo" sound

[DJames 729]

1. Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning

2. Called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

[jonaaibosk 191]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand darling, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales ......'

[Stingray 9,441]

That never works...I usually make a "choo choo" sound

there is actually a rap song about this !!

"Everybody look out Cause choo choo here comes the meat train"

To be found here for the fans: http://rapgenius.com/Jenna-marbles-bounce-that-dick-lyrics#lyric

ps NSFW

[Stingray 9,441]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

NONE!

[Special Juan 28,141]

I work in a shop that sells hand grenades. However, we now only accept cash after we had a few incidents with taking cards after asking customers if we could have their pin.

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Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday."

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While my wife was out I decided to dig out my old vinyl collection and have a play.

I especially enjoyed the wet-look basque and thigh length boots.