Billy. 2,742 Posted December 23, 2013 Share Posted December 23, 2013 Just started a music band, we are called 999 megabytes........We don't have a gig yettaking this Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! Milan 17,957 Posted January 5, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 5, 2014 Subject: Simple maths?Makes sense to me!2+2+2=7Teacher: If I gave you 2 cats and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have? ...Johnny: SevenTeacher: No, listen carefully... If I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many will you have?Johnny: SevenTeacher: Let me put it to you differently.If I gave you 2 apples, and another 2 apples and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Six.Teacher: Good. Now if I gave you 2 cats, and another 2 cats and another 2, how many would you have?Johnny: Seven!!!A very angry Teacher: Where in the hell do you get seven from ?!?!?A very angry Johnny: Because,.... I've already got a f***ing cat babu, darrus, Bir_CFC and 10 others 13 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHOULO19 24,332 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Apologies in advance for the following lame joke but it made me laugh for some reason - "I love Beyonce..." - Whatever floats your boat, mate. - No, you're thinking of 'buoyancy'. Fulham Broadway 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zolayes 14,489 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Have we renamed the Spurs thread??? Stevenx131313, Tiwaz and Roquila 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zolayes 14,489 Posted January 5, 2014 Share Posted January 5, 2014 Maybe its the Moyes column CHOULO19 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special Juan 28,141 Posted January 6, 2014 Share Posted January 6, 2014 Man United once the Goliath of English football....Then along came David........... Roquila, darrus and AswinR 3 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! Strike 7,489 Posted January 6, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 6, 2014 Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong. "What's wrong, Bill?" she asked. "Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" "Oh, Bill, you didn't." "Yes, I did." "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired.." "No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh...she got fired too." Fulham Broadway, Madmax, Hutcho and 6 others 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! DJames 729 Posted January 6, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 6, 2014 5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr.Moyes and Mr. Martinez..... The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the othersThe second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes. Then Mr. Moyes said; "Hey guys what about my pint...???" Rodgers looked at him and said; "Sorry David, this is thefourth round, and you are NOT in it." Reddish-Blue, Ankit, AswinR and 6 others 9 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! Milan 17,957 Posted January 7, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 7, 2014 Son:"Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter"father: "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell yiou something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. Sandra is actually your sister."The boy is naturally bummed out, but a couple of months laterSon: "Daddy, I fell in love again and she is even hotter!"Father: "That's great son. Who is she?"Son: "It's Angela, the other neighbor's daughter."Father: "Ohhhh I wish you hadn't said that. Angela is also your sister."This went on couple of times and the son was so mad, he went straight to his mother crying.Son: "Mum I am so mad at dad! I fell in love with six girls but I can't date any of them because dad is their father!"The mother hugs him affectionately and says: "My love, you can date whoever you want. Dont listen to him He isn't your father."Dad Fainted Roquila, Hutcho, darrus and 2 others 5 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Steve 10,227 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 5 men sitting in a bar: Mr. Wenger, Mr. Mourinho, Mr. Rodgers, Mr.Moyes and Mr. Martinez..... The first round of beers was on Mourinho, he bought a Portuguese beer for each of the othersThe second round was on Martinez, he bought everybody a San Miguel.The third round was on Wenger, he bought everybody a glass of red wine. The fourth round was on Rodgers, he bought a pint each for the guys, except for Moyes. Then Mr. Moyes said; "Hey guys what about my pint...???" Rodgers looked at him and said; "Sorry David, this is thefourth round, and you are NOT in it."My mate showed me this the other day Fantastic!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nachikethas 1,154 Posted January 8, 2014 Share Posted January 8, 2014 '1-2, 1-2, 1-2 Man United losing like they're testing a mic!' @Talksport darrus 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
DJames 729 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 My mate showed me this the other day Fantastic!! Someone needs to buy the person who made this a beer!! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! babu 261 Posted January 9, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 9, 2014 How Do Court Reporters Keep Straight Faces?These are from a book called Disorder in the Courts and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and published bycourt reporters that had the torment of staying calm while the exchanges were taking place.ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?WITNESS: My name is Susan!_______________________________ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?WITNESS: No, I just lie there.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?WITNESS: July 18th.ATTORNEY: What year?WITNESS: Every year._____________________________________ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?WITNESS: Forty-five years._________________________________ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?WITNESS: I forget..ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?_____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?____________________________________ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?WITNESS: He's 20, much like your IQ.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?WITNESS: Are you sh*ting me?_________________________________________ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?WITNESS: Getting laid____________________________________________ATTORNEY: She had three children , right?WITNESS: Yes.ATTORNEY: How many were boys?WITNESS: None.ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?____________________________________________ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?WITNESS: By death..ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?WITNESS: Take a guess.___________________________________________ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beardATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?WITNESS: Unless the Circus was in town I'm going with male._____________________________________ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.______________________________________ATTORNEY: Doctor , how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight._________________________________________ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?WITNESS: Oral..._________________________________________ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 PMATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.____________________________________________ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?______________________________________And last:ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?WITNESS: No..ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?WITNESS: No.ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.- - - Updated - - -An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right), an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, "$165,000".The president curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money. The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, "What kind of bets?" The elderly woman replied, "Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square." The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, "Would you like to take my bet?" "Certainly", replied the president. "I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square." "Done", the elderly woman answered."But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 o'clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness." "No problem", said the president of the Bank confidently.That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet.The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. "Of course", said the president."Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure." The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall.He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, "Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada! darrus, Sidzeret, Milan and 4 others 7 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special Juan 28,141 Posted January 9, 2014 Share Posted January 9, 2014 What do you get if you cross Chris Smalling and Thomas Hitzlsperger?A suicide bummer. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
blu35_army 551 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roquila 1,335 Posted January 10, 2014 Share Posted January 10, 2014 A policeman called Arsene Wenger on the phone and told him: ' Sir, i am sorry to tell you but someone stabbed you son today.'Arsene Wenger was in deep pain and started screaming and shouting: 'Nooooooo, he got his new shirt on today.' Explanation for dummies: Arsene doesn't like to spent that much. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! babu 261 Posted January 10, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 10, 2014 An old gentleman lived alone in New Jersey . He wanted to plant his annual tomato garden, but it was very difficult work, as the ground was hard. His only son, Vincent, who used to help him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament:Dear Vincent,I am feeling pretty sad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my tomato garden this year. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. I know if you were here my troubles would be over. I know you would be happy to dig the plot for me, like in the old days.Love, PapaA few days later he received a letter from his son.Dear Papa,Don't dig up that garden. That's where the bodies are buried..Love, Vinnie;At 4 a.m. the next morning, FBI agents and local police arrived and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left. That same day the old man received another letter from his son.Dear Papa,Go ahead and plant the tomatoes now. That's the best I could do under the circumstances.Love you, Vinnie- - - Updated - - -THE REFRIGERATORIt was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that, in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day the day you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the following day. So the next day at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.The angel at the gate, remembering the new law, promptly asked the man, "Before I can let you in, I need you to tell me about the day you died."No problem," said the man. "Well, for some time now, I've thought my wife was having an affair. I believed that each day on her lunch hour, she'd bring her lover home to our 25th floor apartment and have sex with him. So today I was going to come home to catch them. Well, I got there and busted in and immediately began searching for this guy. My wife was naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. But, damn it, I couldn't find him!Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy to think he could hide from me! Well, I ran out there and promptly stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But, wouldn't you know it, he landed in some bushes that broke his fall, and he didn't die. In a rage I went back inside to get the first thing I could find to throw at him. And oddly enough, the first thing I could grab was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony and heaved it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him!The excitement of the moment was so great that right after that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly."The angel sat back and thought for a moment. Technically, the guy DID have a bad day, and it WAS a crime of passion, so he announced, "Ok, sir. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and let him in.A few seconds later the next guy came up. "Ok. Here's the rule. Before I can let you in, I need to hear about the day you died.""Sure thing," the man replied. "But you're not gonna believe this. I was out on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises when I got a little carried away and accidentally fell over the side!Luckily however, I was able to catch myself by my fingertips on the balcony directly beneath mine. When all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment and starts cussing and stomping on my fingers! Well of course I fall. I hit some trees and bushes on the way down which broke my fall so I didn't die right away. As I'm laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see the man push his refrigerator, of all things, over the ledge and it falls directly on top of me and kills me!"The angel is quietly laughing to himself as the man finishes his story. "I could get used to this new policy," he thinks to himself. "Very well," the angel announces. "Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven," and he lets the man enter.A few seconds later the third man in line comes up to the gate. "Tell me about the day you died," said the angel."Ok. Picture this," says the man. "I'm naked inside a refrigerator...." darrus, Strike, Milan and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Popular Post! CHOULO19 24,332 Posted January 11, 2014 Popular Post! Share Posted January 11, 2014 Old one but still awesome: Beirut_Blues, darrus, babu and 5 others 8 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonaaibosk 191 Posted January 12, 2014 Author Share Posted January 12, 2014 A policeman called Arsene Wenger on the phone and told him: ' Sir, i am sorry to tell you but someone stabbed you son today.'Arsene Wenger was in deep pain and started screaming and shouting: 'Nooooooo, he got his new shirt on today.' Explanation for dummies: Arsene doesn't like to spent that much.When you have to put an explanation at the end of your joke it's really just an admission that it's not really that funny We Hate Scouse 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Roquila 1,335 Posted January 12, 2014 Share Posted January 12, 2014 When you have to put an explanation at the end of your joke it's really just an admission that it's not really that funnyIf you don't like it just move on. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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