Joke Thread

[hjperdeath 2,226]

A Couple went to have their baby delivered... Upon arrival, the doctor said there is this new technology that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father, via a machine.

He asked if they were willing to try it out.
They were both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the pain transfer ratio to 10% for starters, explaining that even 10% was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. However as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine to 20% pain transfer.
The husband was still feeling fine.
The doctor checked the husband over and was amazed at how well he was doing.
At this point, they decided to try for 50%. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping out the wife considerably, the husband encouraged the doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.....
The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtually no pain.
She and her husband both were ecstatic.....
When they reached home.....

The Cook was lying dead in the kitchen!

[Billy. 2,742]

bit a a rude joke

Q

the difference between a straight man's moustache and a gay man's moustache???

A

The smell!!!

[CrayzayBarnet 126]

Arsene Wenger's ambition.

[jonaaibosk 191]

On the eve of our anniversary my wife and I agreed that whoever woke up first in the morning should wake the other one with oral sex. Come the morning I was up first so I slowly pulled back the covers... ... and stuck my cock in her mouth.

[Spike 12,049]

The joke will be in your hands the next time you go to the toilet, lads.

[jonaaibosk 191]

The joke will be in your hands the next time you go to the toilet, lads.

[Fulham Broadway 16,920]

My youngest daughter was trying to open a pot of yoghurt this morning. After a bit of fruitless struggling she said "fucking stupid twatting bollocking lid, wont fucking budge".

Then my missus piped up "My God! Where did she get that from !?"

"From the fucking fridge, you silly cunt" I replied.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Nooo, don't let this thread get lost. It was almost off the first page. Let me try to get it started again:

-Son: Dad, why did you stop hanging out with your friend Bill?

Father: Well, son, if you learned that someone was a dirty drunk who cheats on his wife, would you still hang out with him?

Son: No, of course not.

Father: Well neither would Bill!

-Teacher: What's your name, son?

Student: B-B-B-B-Bryan.

Teacher: Do you have stuttering problem, son?

Student: No, but my dad does and the government official at the registration office was an asshole!

Those are translated from Arabic, so excuse any mistranslation.

[Ankit 3,176]

A guy decides to buy his Girlfriend a pair of gloves 4 Christmas.

A small gift as they have known each other for a little time and he noticed that her hands used to freeze during driving.

He decided to get romantic but not too personal.

He asked his GF's sister to help him in selection & hand size.

He picked up a pair of white gloves in the store. The sister gets a pair of panties for herself.

During wrapping, the Salesgirl inadvertently mixed the gifts.

Without checking, the guy gifts the Panties to his Girlfriend with a note, saying:

"Merry Christmas, I chose this, because i notice you do not wear these when we go out.

I would've chosen long ones but your sister wears short ones, which are easy to remove.

I checked it out on the Salesgirl as well & she looked really Beautiful.

I wish, i was there to put it for you for the first time.

When you take them off, remember to blow inside as there will be a damp spot naturally wearing it.

Just think how many times I'll kiss that in the upcoming years.

With Lots n Lots of Love

[DJames 729]

A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get six."
A short time later, the husband returns with six cartons of milk.
"Why did you buy six cartons of milk?"
He replies,"They had avocados."

[Billy. 2,742]

A woman walks past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window reads: ''Clitoris-licking frog for hire see onwer inside''. Intrigued she pushes the door open and goes up to the counter. ''Excuse me'' she says to the bloke behind the counter. Im interested in hiring the ''Clitoris-licking frog'' advertised in the window. ''Ah, Bonjour madame,'' he replies. ''Comment allez vous?''.

[Fulham Broadway 16,920]

I went to the doctors yesterday about my premature ejacultion issues. He was a bit concerned and asked how the missus was taking it ?

I was staright with him and told him she was taking it on the chin at first , but now its just getting on her tits.

[NishC300 1,865]

I used to like my neighbours, until they put a password on their Wi-Fi.

[Drogba11CFC 108]

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Mark Clattenburg is due on the pitch for a Chelsea-Liverpool game and is nowhere to be seen.

The FA representative goes looking for him and finds him in the dressing room and says, "Hey, Mark, why are you in here and not on the pitch?"

Clattenburg says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle that my wife gave me."

Representative: "I don't care about a damn puzzle, get out on the pitch."

David: "No. I've been trying for weeks to do this jigsaw, and it's all I can think of right now."

Representative: "What's the puzzle of?"

Clattenburg: "It's a tiger."

The representative looks over Clattenburg's shoulder at the puzzle laid out on the floor and says, "For fuck's sake! Put the Frosties back in the box and get out on the pitch!"

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This is an old one:

A biology teacher asks her elementary class: "What human body organ can reach up to seven times it's original size when stimulated?"

At which a girl in the class gasps and, shocked, tells the teacher that she should not be saying stuff like that to kids their age.

The teacher does not answer the little girl but instead just repeats the question: "What human body organ can reach up to seven times it's original size when stimulated?"

The girl, feeling more indignant, stands up and yells at the teacher: "I'm telling my parents about this!"

At this point, a boy raises his hand and, after a nod from the teacher, says: "The eye pupil?"

Teacher: "Correct"

Teacher, now addressing the little girl: "First of all, you obviously didn't study your lessons at home, secondly I'm going to have a talk with your parents about your dirty little mind, and finally, I'm afraid to tell you that one day you're going to be very disappointed!"

[Spike 12,049]

How do you know when a girl is too young for sex?
When you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

What's the difference between jam and peanutbutter?

You can't peanutbutter your cock up your girlfriend's arse.

How do you make a gay man have sex with a straight woman?
Shit in her cunt.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

How do you know when a girl is too young for sex?

When you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

That never works...I usually make a "choo choo" sound

[DJames 729]

1. Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning

2. Called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!