Joke Thread

[Special Juan 28,141]

Bob and his mate are in Greggs. Bob's mate steals 3 pasties & puts them in his pocket then boasts to Bob "Yo did you See that? The staff never saw me"

Bob says "That's nothing, watch this". He says to the manager "Give me 3 pasties and I'll show you some magic".

He eats them all and the manager says "How is that magic?"

Bob says "check my mate's pocket"

[Special Juan 28,141]

Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by police on murder charges. If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days

[Special Juan 28,141]

Just started a music band, we are called 999 megabytes........We don't have a gig yet

[Sidzeret 2,257]

@Special Juan Jerry Seinfield called- he wants his jokes back

[Special Juan 28,141]

When asked for their thoughts on Britain's number 1 diver announcing that he is gay...

Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

I'm in love with the internet. It was love at first site..

(Sorry about that)

[Ainsley Harriott 2,732]

What's the name of a fish made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

[Starman60 1,343]

Is it True????????????????

Chelsea to sign Suarez !!!!!!!!!!!!

Deal can only be done if we offer Ivanovich as bait !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rmpr 8,977]

What's the name of a fish made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Jesus Christ, just retire!

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Will Ferrel tweeted this:

I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever .

[Special Juan 28,141]

When I was younger I was constantly bullied. Kids used to cover me in chocolate and throw berries at me.

It was tough growing up in the gateau.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

John Travolta has recently set-up his own pepper farm.

It's going well. He's got chillies, they're multiplying.

[Special Juan 28,141]

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus weighed 7ib 6oz?

There was a weigh in the manger

[Special Juan 28,141]

DJ Campbell has just released a statement: "I'm 100% innocent and hoping to play in our 2-2 draw at Millwall this Saturday"

[Special Juan 28,141]

I had a fly crawl under my keyboard earlier. Don't worry though, it's under CTRL.

[Fulham Broadway 17,315]

A young couple.were having financial problems so the husband talks the wife into prostituting herself to earn some money, she protests that she knows nothing about that kind of thing but he reassures her.
"I'll be your pimp and I'll be standing nearby the whole time, everything will be OK"

So that night she is standing on a street corner and a guy pulls up in a brand new car. He winds the window down.
"How much for full sex?" she asks him to wait and runs round the corner to her husband.
"He wants to know how much"
"Mmm, that's a nice car, ask for £500"
So off she goes but the punter tells her he only has £100, she runs round the corner and her husband says "Tell him for £100 he can have a blow job"

She goes back and tells him and the man agrees, so she gets in the car and he unbuttons his trousers and gets his massive cock out and the woman can't believe her eyes.
"Wow" she says,"wait there"

She runs out of the car and says to her husband. "Don't be a bastard Joe, lend him £400"

[Fulham Broadway 17,315]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologise. “Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me”, she told him.

“Oh, no, I'll be alright. I'll be fine in a few minutes”, the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside she administered a tender and artful massage for several long moments almost to a climax of his cock and balls then asked, “How does that feel”?

“Feels great thanks”, he replied; “but I still think my thumb's broken”

[DJames 729]

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists — two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.“We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her.” The first man said.“You can’t be serious. I could never shoot my wife,”
The agent replies, “Then you’re not the right man for this job.”
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. “I tried, but I can’t kill my wife.” The agent replies, “You don’t have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.”
Finally, it was the woman’s turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, “You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. So I had to beat him to death with the chair.”

[edetarod 2,155]

Manchester United

[Canary 4]

Manchester United

Nice one.

[Fulham Broadway 17,315]

So Santa lives in the north pole ?

Mmm. Not so sure. Think about it.

He wears red n white. He has all these unaccounted for electrical items. He breaks into houses. He drives an unlicenced vehicle, and the lazy bastard works one day a year.

Yup, youve guessed it the cunts got to be scouse.