Joke Thread

[jonaaibosk 191]

A couple were lying in bed together on the morning of their tenth wedding anniversary when the wife says, 'Darling, as this is such a special occasion, I think that it is time I made a confession: Before we were married I was a hooker for eight years.'

The husband ponders for a moment and then looks into his wife's eyes and says, 'My love, you have been a perfect wife for ten years! I cannot hold your past against you, maybe you could show me a few tricks of the trade and spice up our sex life a bit?'

She said, 'I don't think you understand darling, my name was Brian and I played rugby for Wales ......'

[Stingray 9,441]

That never works...I usually make a "choo choo" sound

there is actually a rap song about this !!

"Everybody look out Cause choo choo here comes the meat train"

To be found here for the fans: http://rapgenius.com/Jenna-marbles-bounce-that-dick-lyrics#lyric

ps NSFW

[Stingray 9,441]

How many potatoes does it take to kill an Irishman?

NONE!

[Special Juan 27,424]

I work in a shop that sells hand grenades. However, we now only accept cash after we had a few incidents with taking cards after asking customers if we could have their pin.

-----

Paddy's firework party was a complete disaster.

"I don't understand it!" He said. "They all worked fine when I tried them yesterday."

-----

While my wife was out I decided to dig out my old vinyl collection and have a play.

I especially enjoyed the wet-look basque and thigh length boots.

[Fulham Broadway 16,841]

Two nuns sat at traffic lights in their car when a bunch of rowdy

drunks pulls up alongside.

"Oi, show us ya tits, you penguins!" shouts one of the drunks. The Mother

Superior turns to Sister Immaculata, "I don't think they know who we are -

show them your cross".

So Sister Immaculata winds down her window and shouts, "Screw off you

little wankers, before I come over there and rip your balls off"!

Sister Immaculata then calmly looks back at the Mother Superior and asks

"Was that cross enough"?

[Fulham Broadway 16,841]

A woman goes to the hospital.

"What seems to be the problem?" asked the Doctor.

"Something is terribly wrong, I keep finding postage stamps from Costa Rica up my

vagina."

The Doctor had a look, and said "Those aren't postage

stamps my dear, they're the sticker's off the bananas.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Got this off twitter but i thought it was hilarious:

I had a dream that I killed all the shirtless guys with "swag" and their duck face girlfriends too.....It was the Yolocaust.

[Special Juan 27,424]

Paddy was walking home late one night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. "Twenty Euros," she whispers. Paddy had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty Euros. So they hid in the bushes. They're going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a Police Officer. "What's going on here, people?" asks the cop. "I'm making love to me wife," Paddy answers sounding annoyed. "Oh, I'm sorry," says the cop, "I didn't know." "Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that bloody light in her face!"

[Special Juan 27,424]

Currently earning £100 a day collecting leaves. Raking it in.

[Special Juan 27,424]

Arsene Wenger - Economic mind
Jose Mourinho - Intelligent mind
Brendan Rodgers - Tactical mind
David Moyes - Never mind!

[Special Juan 27,424]

Silently I slipped the condom over my erect penis and unrolled it down the entire length of my throbbing shaft, never once losing eye contact with the young woman as she stared at me in wide eyed, jaw dropping disbelief ...

Then breaking the silence I spoke ...

"Yes, that seems to fit alright, I'll take the whole packet please ..."

[Special Juan 27,424]

I can't seem to finish Alex Ferguson's autobiography. Every time I think I'm close, Howard Webb adds 6 more pages on at the end.

[The_Flash 1,144]

Lol, the joke that keeps giving MOYES AS UTD MANAGER

[Special Juan 27,424]

After the weekend's football Liverpool are raving about the SAS -Sturridge and Suarez,

As yet Man United are still trying to come up with a name for Welbeck, Anderson, Nani, Kagawa, Evra, Rooney and Smalling

[CHOULO19 24,332]

My friends say I'm such a quitter. Could never underst...

[The_Flash 1,144]

Q: Why did the stoner cross the road?

A: Who else would follow a chicken?

Q: What does Barbie use as a tampon?

A: A Tic-Tac.

[CrayzayBarnet 126]

What do you get if you hold a twenty pound note between your chin and your chest?

A good Impression of Stephen Hawking at a strip club.

[CrayzayBarnet 126]

I bought Alex Ferguson's autobiography, I thought I'd got to the end but 6 more pages appeared...