Leif

I will wank into my own mouth (it can be done, I'm sure) if both Azpi and/or Moses/Oscar start this game

... That's like saying "WHY DID WE SIGN AZPILICUETA WHEN WE HAVE DAVID LUIZ?!"

Juventus. Are. Not. Pushovers. Honestly. Where has this rubbish come from that they're 'not that good'? Sure, Serie A isn't what it used to be, but it's incredible to go the full season unbeaten; and doing it with incredibly attractive football too. (Aside from when Borriello touched the ball .) It will be a very tight game. Buffon = Amongst the top 5 goalkeepers in the world. Pirlo = Probably the best passer in the world. (Xavi isn't quite as good as he's made out to be.) Chiellini = Well... I'm sure the Juventi on here will disagree, but he's quite tricky. He goes down easily sometimes around his own box to get possession back via. free-kick. Good pace for a centre-back. Giovinco = Incredible pace and dribbling. Vucinic = Almost unstoppable on his day. Vidal = In my opinion, the 2nd best box-to-box player in the world; just after Yaya Toure. Asamoah = Will break your legs if you piss him off. Marchisio = He's like an engine. He will not stop running. Even if you chop his legs off, he will run using his hands. Barzagli = Probably the best central defender in Serie A last season. Certainly amongst the top 10 central defenders world-wide last season. JUVENTUS. ARE. NOT. GOING. TO. BE. EASY.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. MOUTINHO WON'T ACCEPT TOTTENHAM'S OFFER MUAHAHAHAHAHA. He'll probably end up signing, but at least he's not that desperate to join.

Malaga apparently trying to sign Romeu from us on loan. It would be great for his development in my opinion, but would let Barcelona see a lot more on him, increasing the chances of them re-signing him.

The amount Sky are overrating Moutinho makes me want to cry.

Moutinho is horridly overrated IMO. He's good at everything - but that's it. He's not great at anything from what I've seen. He'll usually have 1 great game every 10 games.

I'm content if we don't sign anyone else this window. However, as has been said a lot recently; Transfer Deadline Day feels like Christmas, so it feels rubbish when your club gets no presents.

It's nice having the coolest owner in the history of football (Unless I'm missing someone obvious.)

Juventus is definitely underrated on this forum. It's only really their front-line which is lacking. Matri is no world beater. On his day though, Vucinic is. Bendtner who's also arriving, although many jokes are made about him, will be tricky. He's not easy to handle. I'm curious to see how he fits in at Juve though. They've also got Buffon. A lot of people disagree with me as they don't really watch Serie A, but in my opinion, Buffon >>> Casillas. Buffon will try and make particular saves which some goalkeepers could only dream of. If we just got 'easy' draws each season like Manchester United, triumphs wouldn't feel as spectacular. Hopefully we can get past Juventus, but don't expect us to; even though we are Champions Of Europe. They have an incredible team chemistry. Only comparable to Barcelona. The club feels like a family, so every single drop of emotion from every single player will drop onto the pitch when we play. I'm excited.

I highly doubt he's leaving. If he did, we'd need to fill a new open HG spot AND sign a new striker. There's no HG strikers available that I can think of who are realistic targets and would be good back-up for Torres.

Regarding my 'nut' problem - It's been happening since I... well, you know. Did 'the deed'. How awkward to be talking about this on a Chelsea forum. Probably just pulled a muscle or some shit. I'll get the doctor to take a little poke at it. (She's a lesbian [i think] female. How lucky.)

Serious question. My testicles keep getting a cold, uncomfortable rush through them tonight. At the same time, in my back, roughly "eye-level" I guess with my nuts, I'm getting a stabbing pain. Am I about to die? Thanks.

He doesn't even look good in those Youtube compilations which usually make anyone look like Messi/Zidane/Maldini/Cech In His Prime Why would we go for him?! Seriously. I'm so confused.

He's just so... average

Arsenal have apparently bid for him. Would make sense to go their considering Arsene is French I guess.

Scary times if you're a travelling Arsenal fan!

Looking forward to travelling to Turin. Really nice city. Hopefully the Juventi aren't too abusive.

YES!

PHEW! Juventus will definitely not be as hard as some people think. Juventus have looked incredibly weak since Conte's ban, they don't have a prolific striker, and their defence keeps experiencing injuries. Their midfield is incredible though. Vidal + Asamoah will destroy any ball near them and Pirlo will pass 'round Mikel for fun.

2 legends in a row who have played for us. Weah and now Gullit. Both before Roman took over. N0 HiZt0RY?

Who's that female presenter? Love her lips. And accent. And body.

I'm probably just imagining things, but this place has seemed a lot calmer (in a good way) recently. A lot less instigating. Maybe it's because of our impressive start to the season... or something else. Who knows. Anyway I'm off to do a poo. Hope this one doesn't hurt as much as the last one.

Can someone try explaining to me the difference between Holtby and Draxler of Schalke please? Which position do they play? Who is the better player? If Schalke were to, let's say, line up in a 4-2-3-1 formation, where would they slot in? Thanks.

1: Chelsea 2: Everton 3: Swansea City 4: West Brom The 4 clubs which have impressed me most so far this season. I was going to make it a top 5, but honestly, no other clubs have impressed me in the league.