Iggy Doonican

Jose Mourinho cuts NHS waiting lists to zero after telling doctors who actually needs treating Jose Mourinho has been thanked by administrators inside the NHS, after he reduced waiting lists to zero by declaring no-one genuinely in need of treatment. The newly qualified medical expert and Chelsea football manager, was keen to bring his gifts to bear across the NHS after flexing his diagnostician muscles during Chelsea’s opening day draw against Swansea. As one Chelsea insider told us, “If you want to know if a player needs treating or not, do not look at the doctors, do not look at them – you look to Jose, only Jose.” Mourinho himself told reporters he was glad to help the NHS with his special skills. He said, “To make a correct diagnosis, you must first understand people who fake injuries, and I spend all day with footballers, so I know fakers.” “53 year-old Joseph Miller of Stoke? Fake. He does not need a new hip, take him off the list.” “42 year-old Sarah Matthews of Basingstoke? Fake. She does not need a bunionectomy, take her off the list.” “I can do this all day. It is like a gift – only the special one can decide when someone should be healed.”

So the lesser spotted Baba Rahman is due to arrive won't believe it till i see it. Incidentally it looks like Ashley Cole could be leaving Roma.

He came across really badly just meandering waffle and not answering the question. He's totally charmless these days his body language is terrible. I can guarantee he's going to be sending Steve Holland to a lot of pre and post match confrences.this season.

We didn't win, we didn't play amazing football and it does matter to some of us.

One the Daily Star isn't a newspaper more of a 40 page gossip column. And secondly it just a source said countless times it's baseless and ludicrous.

Whoever's side your on or (i'm on Eva's) what is inescapable is Mourinho's antics are nothing but a petulant strop. This is not passion or whatever bollocks the Mourinho apologists believe it is. He looked like a kid who's just been told he's not going to Disneyland but is spending his holidays with his gran in Grimsby. The bloke is in his 50's and is only a couple of years older then me and it's time for him to stop spitting out the dummy and act like a man of his age should. I'm genuinely worried about Sunday's game a defeat and we are already five points behind Man City. With a trip to our of recent times bogey team West Brom to follow and this is all hypothetical and it's very early in the season but even still things could get a bit tricky.

The physio has always been a popular figure at Chelsea with the fans. In Eva's case because lets be honest she's a fine looking woman. But in the 80's and early 90's our physio was a bloke called Norman Medhurst who looked like Freddie Mercury and the Shed would sing '' Norman give us a wave'' and he always would. He was a real cult figure at Chelsea and from what i've heard from people who've met him a top bloke.

I've always hated West Ham fans plenty of run in's with them in the 80's. But they've really surpassed themselves now Joey Barton who is not the greatest player in the world but he's certainly good enough for them. Apparently West Ham fans objected to his transfer why?. He's said a few questionable things on Twitter and he likes to think he's an intellectual because he's listened to Hatful of Hollow by The Smiths. There signing a run of the mill footballer who's got a history of flying off the handle and using his fists i thought West Ham fans would faacking luv him. Still it looks like the Twatterati have spoken and there views seem to be taken as gospel these days very disturbing.

From The Guardian Daily Email. All of which means The Fiver probably isn’t a good candidate to succeed Eva Carneiro as Chelsea’s match-day doctor, following her impending demotion by José Mourinho for er … doing her job. After Eden Hazard collapsed in a heap in the closing stages of Chelsea’s 2-2 draw with Swansea on Saturday, Carneiro entered the field of play to treat the knacked winger. Big mistake, Eva! Never mind the well-being of the Premier League’s best player. Never mind your Hippocratic oath or the medical code of ethics. Never mind the fact that referee Michael Oliver twice beckoned you and club physio Jon Fearn on to the field of play to tend to the crocked Belgian. Swansea could counter-attack when you are tending to him! Did you think about that? WELL, DID YOU? Following such a deplorable case of gross misjudgment, Carneiro is now no longer permitted to attend matches, training sessions, or enter the team hotel but, in fairness, the writing was already on the wall. Despite Chelsea having an excellent knack record, Mourinho has been furious with the club’s medical team for Diego Costa’s twanging hamstrings, although he’s been far quieter on the subject of his striker playing five-a-side in Kuwait over the summer or heading straight off to Ibiza and hanging out with DJs in the early hours of Sunday morning. Despite his condemnation, Carneiro has received some messages of support, notably from the Football Medical Association and what do they know? “If a player sustains or appears to sustain [knack] and indicates that he needs assistance, it is the duty of the referee to permit medical assessment and evaluation to be provided,” said chief suit Eamonn Salmon in a statement. “At that moment the player becomes a patient of the medical team and it is the duty and obligation of club medical staff to attend to that patient accordingly and without prejudice to the interests of anyone else including the club employing them. Factors extraneous to the immediate medical needs of the patient (such as the stage and state of the game) cannot be part of their consideration at such time.” Despite all that, it isn’t likely to have much effect – the search for Carneiro’s replacement continues. Even Gary Lineker has thrown his hat into the ring. “Might apply for the Chelsea doctor’s job given the applicant must understand football. Not sure if any medical knowledge is required,” he zinged on Wednesday. At least we’ve got a new Chelsea signing to get excited about, the transfer window just got interesting again. Now, does anybody know anyone competent who could conduct the medical

Mourinho has been here before. In 2005, the then club doctor Neil Frazer left Chelsea after he and Mourinho, in his first spell at the club, disagreed over an issue concerning Arjen Robben’s fitness. (From the Independent).

Since he's come back he's had a go at a ball boy when we lost at Palace for God's sake. He's antagonising other managers with the early hand shake bollocks. There's no need for it it's extremely patronising. He's had a go at us about the atmosphere while praising Liverpool fans. And now in essence he's got rid of a very popular figure in the club for the heinous crime of doing her job. She saw Eden on the deck and she went to attend to him end of story. Mourinho has lost all of his original swagger and is turning into a sort of dictator. He really needs to shut up and accept the fact that he's making poor decisions in the transfer market and on the pitch and stop blaming everyone else.

Adrian Durham's face he looks like he's just had a shit after being constipated for days.

Disagreeing with someone is one thing calling them fucking cunts and disregarding people's opinions is to use a Chelsea song One Step Beyond Curly. It's not that surprising really if Roman did put the padlock on the wallet because Mourinho has got a decidedly mixed record in the transfer market. Schurrle bought for 18 million gone in 18 months, Luiz bought for 16 million sold back in 12 months. Salah bought for 11 million plays a couple of games not likely to recuperate half of that transfer if he's sold. And as for Cuadrado 27 million for someone who's been watching Chelsea for 45 years i honestly don't think i've seen a worse player then him and that's no exaggeration he's got no bollocks he's like a 10 year old kid who finds himself playing against the big boys and is bloody petrified. I can't comment on his time at Real Madrid because i have zero interest in European football and don't follow it. But Mourinho building the class of 04 is totally wrong Cech, Robben, Joe Cole, Lampard, Duff, Gallas, Makelele were all Ranieri signings and Eidur was from memory signed by Vialli.

FromThe Guardian's Daily Email. I CAN’T BELIEVE WHAT I SAW TODAY’ Dangerous levels of hot air, bluster and steam threatened to cause an emergency outside the Emirates Stadium on Sunday afternoon as the various eejits, pirates and headphones models who make up Arsenal’s YouTube massive suffered a collective loss of their heads and All Perspective following their side’s self-parodic 2-0 defeat to a West Ham side who were able to win despite starting with a foetus in midfield, before adding insult to injury by treating everyone to a two-minute airing of their much-loved Modibo Maiga Standing Around And Letting The Ball Bounce Off Your Head And Feet Experience. Oh, Arsenal. Oh, Arsenal. And once more for good luck: oh, Arsenal! How is it possible for you to remain such an endless source of entertainment, with your goalkeeping howlers and complacency and ongoing insistence that Olivier Giroud deserves to be classed as a top, top striker, up there with the very best, seeing as he has excellent hair. To be fair to Giroud, he does have very nice hair. It’s very good. It’s hair that’s worth at least 20 goals a season, if you think about it deeply enough. This time last week, everything was hunky dory. They had just beaten Boring Old Chelsea in the Community Shield, meaning that they entered the new season as treble winners after a heroic summer in which they also collected the Emirates Cup and the Barclays Asia Trophy. Take that, José Mourinho! The excitement was huge, not that anyone was getting carried away. “I don’t think we are inferior to the Spanish clubs or Bayern Munich,” Santi Cazorla cheered in the sequel to Theo Walcott’s classic claim in April that Arsenal had been the strongest side in Europe this year, despite losing to Monaco in Big Cup, and it’s hard to argue with that, seeing as trophies really should be awarded based on calendar years and Eibar, Granada and Getafe haven’t been much use in 2015. Alas the FA remains as shortsighted as ever and continues to press ahead with the arcane insistence that the title be awarded based on a team’s results from August to May, which is obviously a total farce. This was supposed to be different. Arsenal finally had a proper goalkeeper in goal and confidence was high, only for Agent Cech to do his very best Wojciech Szczesny impression for Cheikhou Kouyaté’s opener, before failing to save a Mauro Zárate shot which had about as much bite as a piece of satire from The Fiver. Arsène Wenger was livid with his players, although he did point out that they weren’t physically ready yet. The Fiver is unsure who was tasked with making sure they were up to speed, so we’ll move on and give a bit of praise to West Ham, who have celebrated their win by, er, opening talks with Joey Barton.

Yes been in there for years apparently Now aged 70, he lives in a retirement home for actors and performers in the Twickenham area and is occasionally seen out walking in the locality

There's a retirement home for old thespians F.B. Richard O' Sullivan lives in one. This is exactly what the Yank league is a retirement home for footballers all be it a well paid one. I mentioned the Red Bulls kit before it's absolutely hideous it looks like the sort of thing someone from PETA would wear as a protest.The bulls look like they've just been dragged out of an abattoir.

Nothing quite like a reality check for your ridiculous bragging and bravado to come crashing back down to earth. Fuck off Arsenal and your Walter Mitty fans.

I was going to post something but U.J and Curly summed it up perfectly top posts lads.

Awful club, awful people and if you ever visited there an awful place to watch football especially in the 80's.

Lpuke sounds like a Spanish matador. Got to be a better name then Lpuke, i've never heard anyone called them Lpuke before.

Who are lpuke?

No what i mean is if there are no games for example between the 24th of Dec and Dec 31th for the Winter break then in the middle of January we have terrible weather and a couple of games get called off there is no window to fit them in. In 2008 we had to play Wigan on a Monday and Everton on a Thursday you'd get fixture pile ups all the time especially for teams who are competing on all fronts. Hope that explains it mate and again your post was excellent cheers.

Good point. Jack Wilshire has been injured so often the next time he makes an appearance he'll make English football history by being the first player to be stretchered on.

Excellent post and it's quite ironic that absolutely obscene amounts of money are being spent on a product that's best days are behind it. The reason that there will never be a Winter break in England apart from Sky and B.T. losing money hand over fist is the one thing that us Brits love talking about is the weather. You could get a week of snow anytime between December and February and as this is a C.F.C site two Chelsea games get postponed well where do you fit the rearranged games in?. It takes weather of near biblical extremes for a game to be called off because well he who pays the piper calls the tune a cliche but still true. I remember we played Palace in the Zenith Data semi final in 1990 ( beggars can't be choosers and we were Big Issue beggars then ha ha) and the game was called off because of high wind and just in case the glass in the windows of the East Stand cracked and the debris ended up on the pitch

Anyone watching Match of the Day ?. Danny Murphy and Alan Shearer look like Right Said Fred dressed by Top Man.