Joke Thread

[Special Juan 27,597]

What kind of coordination does Whitney Houston lack?


HAAAAAAAAND EEEEEEYYYYEEEEE

[Madmax 9,219]

'Describe yourself in 3 words.'

'Lazy.'

[cosmicway 1,333]

[Special Juan 27,597]

A woman was sat on a park bench breast feeding her child when a man walked over and sat next to her. The lady said "Excuse me but what do you think you are doing?" the man replied "I was brought up on the bottle and wondered what it was like to be breast fed" At that the lady replied "Would you like a go?" To which the man smiled and said "Yes I would love too".......Within seconds the woman was getting quite excited, she then turned to the man with a raunchy look on her face and said "Do you fancy something else".....The man replied "Do you have any Rusks"

[1chelsea 864]

  On 23/06/2014 at 06:55, Special Juan said:

A woman was sat on a park bench breast feeding her child when a man walked over and sat next to her. The lady said "Excuse me but what do you think you are doing?" the man replied "I was brought up on the bottle and wondered what it was like to be breast fed" At that the lady replied "Would you like a go?" To which the man smiled and said "Yes I would love too".......Within seconds the woman was getting quite excited, she then turned to the man with a raunchy look on her face and said "Do you fancy something else".....The man replied "Do you have any Rusks"

Is the "Rusks" for the baby or the man ??

[Special Juan 27,597]

I'd like to see a Uruguay vs Russia Final this year.. I can see the headlines.. "Suárez bites Dikov."

[Fulham Broadway 17,023]

Just asked the boss what he wanted done with a 6' roll of bubblewrap.

He said ' Just pop it in the corner'.

Took me four fucking hours.

[Special Juan 27,597]

BBC NEWS: Australia plane hits Ferris wheel.

Police say the pilot is slowly coming round.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Operator: 911

Me: My wife is going into labor, what do I do?

Operator: Relax sir, is this her first born?

Me: No, this is her husband.

[KevinAshburner 1,270]

I CAN'T REMEMBER OR I FORGOT WHAT THE SECRET IS TO LOSING MY VIRGINITY, BUT I DON'T FLY ON OR NEVER BEEN ON A VIRGIN AIRLINES AEROPLANE OR I HAVEN'T EXPERIENCED THE MILE HIGH CLUB IN AN AEROPLANE TOILET BEFORE.

[Special Juan 27,597]

A man is arrested for drink-driving while in charge of a lawn-mower on a busy road..Police have said he was half cut.

[CraigFairlie 16]

Paddy and Mick are in a two-man plane that is spiralling out of control.

Mick says, "If the plane turns upside down, d'ya think we'll fall out?"

"Of course not," Paddy replies, "we've been mates for years!"

[Viper22 2,418]

2 people walking through a graveyard and see a gravestone which reads:

"Here lies John Smith; a loyal QPR fan and a good, honest man".

1 of the people turns to the other and says: "When in the fuck did they start burying 2 people in 1 grave?"

[Special Juan 27,597]

Breaking News: Oscar Pistorius has just sacked his legal team & hired Celtic's as he's heard you can lose both legs and still win

[Viper22 2,418]

What's the difference between a bucket of shit and the Spurs team? The bucket.

------------------------------------

I was playing Football Manager on my PC earlier when I got offered the West Ham job.

I knew they were a shit team, with poor footballers and no future, so I turned it down.

Then I put down the phone and got back to playing Football Manager.

------------------------------------

Players and staff from Spurs yesterday visited a hospital for Children with debilitating diseases.

"Looking at their poor little faces, It was inspiring. We can't stop thinking that if they believe that they can win, then we must believe too. And it's bracing to realise that there are poor people out there worse off than us and facing a long uphill struggle for the foreseeable future". Said Danny, aged 9.

[leaf 8]

a penguin is driving down the street and he notices the 'check engine' light on his dashboard, so he pulls over at the nearest garage and tells the mechanic... pls check it out, i'll step into the store next door and i'll be right back.

the penguin comes back 20 mins later and the mechanic says.. hey bud, looks like u blew a seal.

the penguin looks back at him annoyed, and said.. f*** off, thats ice cream on my mouth

[Madmax 9,219]

What's the difference between a samosa and Man United?

A samosa has more points.

[Kezza 1,965]

Whats better than a rose on a piano?..

..Tulips on an organ