Peppen

Done! (:

Yernited are so shit... BUT PLEASE TAKE POINTS OFF CITY TONIGHT PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE

I get your wibe, Kevin. But think about the poor midgets that suffer because of your lust. Or Jeff who has to watch through 25 hours of porn every day in his entire life. No human would be able to do that, and maintain a proper sanity. I guess that's why you are not a mere human, Kevin. We made a good choice granting you the title of the Enlightened One. Have you read about our preparations to invade Earth? I am constructing my suit as we speak, inspired by your glory:

Kevin, are you alright? You seem to be... developing quite a few.. Strange habits, which even for an ASHBURNER, seems to break the boundaries? Are you fine with me and a couple of the guys from the office coming over for a visit this Friday? We'll bring pork and mustard sandwiches? Your favorite? P.S: I saw you searched on Google, and would like to clarify that, no, midgets and ovens don't go well together. It is beyond me why such things turn you on, but hey, a WOODFURNACE has got to do what he has got to do. PPS: Jeff asked if you could please stop searching for SO MUCH PORN? His job is to watch everything you watch, and boy I tell you, I think he is about to go insane. So if you'd cut down on your pornographic needs, that'd be great alright Kevin? Cheers.

Yeah, I think we lost the title against Villa. Never stop believing, however it is going to take a lot of luck if we are to win it Draw would suit me best, but it's a difficult one. The least favorable option is City win though.

Like Didier, Samuel seems to thrive in the big games. Well worth the reported wage fees, he is the best striker in our team BY FAR.

Always been my favorite player. He has been absolutely immense in his time at Chelsea, and comes across as a top bloke. Legend.

In my opinion, we'll have to win all remaining games to be in it. No draws, no loses. Even then it is going to be tricky. Liverpool could maybe draw against City, and then either Arsenal, United or Everton to snatch one point? It is possible, and I hope Arsenal pick themselves up and prove a fight against City.

Agreed, and we have DEPTH now. We can pretty much adapt our style of play to any opponent, whether we want to have pacey WINGERS, or we want to work our way through the middle. Exciting times ahead!

Holy shit he is FAST! Apart from the goal I remember a counterattack where he ran like Usain Fucking Bolt... Very, very happy for him to bag that goal. Push on, Mohamed.

HEHEHEHEHEHHEH, well done Chels <3 We're still in it, but it is going to be one hell of a ride... Feels good to be part of the title race again, eh?

Totally agree, if we fail to get all 3 points today, we're out of the title race IMO. City with 3 games in hand won't drop enough points for the rest of the season in order for a 3/4 point cushion to be sufficient. Must win, or we're out, sadly.

Berlin is also top 5 IMO, although I was only there for 2 days, it was absolutely beautiful. I've only been in Paris for a few hours, and it was right up there amongst the prettiest cities. Going to Amsterdam very soon, heard it is something special too.

Calm the fuck down, you fighting cocks. Both teams need 3 points, and if I am honest, I do not think we have a chance to win the title unless we take all 3 points in this game. Really hoping for a Hazard show, Matic domination and the usual Azpi outings. Come on Chelsea!

Gotta agree with the Willian sentiment. Not that he is playing bad or poor in any way, but I expect more of a talent like him. I think he needs time to adapt, and next season he'll probably flourish. High hopes. Azpi, what a guy. Best purchase in a long time considering value for money. Oscar looked far more lively. Good to see.

Gut feeling we'll get Madrid or PSG. Real Madrid because more reunions and PSG will be a very difficult tie indeed. Exciting to be back in the knockout stages!!!!

I don't know mate, the boss said we are cutting back staff to manage the costs of the alien invasion though... If he fires me.....

Yup, that'll help. Sorry Kevin, but a ritual scarification is too much for me to deny. You gotta go, bud.

Kevin has already watched the entire series of that GIF's origin. 22 times to be exact.

KEVIN ASHBURNER DAILY REPORT 15TH OF MARCH - CONDUCTED BY ILLUMINATI LEADER OF SURVEILLANCE OPERATIONS PEPPEN: 03:22 am: Kevin is breathing heavily. He is having a nightmare about the Illuminati invading earth the 21st of December 2014. I laugh at the fact he is off by 2 days. 05:58 am: Kevin wakes up, and notices his morning wood. A mighty, yet humble sign of manliness. He proceeds to access his phone to satisfy his needs through pornographic entertainment: "MIDGETS AND BIG BOOTY VOL. 22". 06:31 am: Kevin eats breakfast. Oatmeal, which is strange, since our data clearly shows that Kevin does not like oatmeal. He apparently DOES like oatmeal. Noted and archived under "SECTION 334 B - STUFF KEVIN LIKES". 09:45 am: Nothing of interest, to be honest. Kevin is doing his usual Internet research about us, and although finding completely reliable sources such as the online article: "ILLUMINATI IS LIKE THE REAL DEAL SUCKAS" it is of little significance since Kevin already is the chosen one, and has divine knowledge in abundance. 11:00 am: Kevin watches part two of "MIDGETS AND BIG BOOTY VOL. 22". 12:14 pm: Ashburner has lunch. He notices our cameras whilst enjoying his cheese and pork sandwich. 03:08 pm: Porn..... Again. Part 3. How many parts are there? 05:55 pm: I leave the office and prepare for the wonderful festival coming up soon. How the hell will I beat WHS and Stingray, they were an amazing couple last year. Fuckers.

They will never be forgotten - #Pray4Midgets #Sacrificed2satisfyKevin

Kevin, do you still have that Woody Allen shaped dildo kept away in your cupboards? That thing brought such wonderful memories of joy.

Sssssssh! Don't mention our secret operation 'WOODFURNACE'. If he finds out, he'll probably run to the nearest TV station, and our entire operation will be exposed! Haha, yeah that was great. My favorite part was when we re watched all the old material we have on him and dressed up as Kevin during his exceptional life. I am going to top your KEVIN-shemale costume this year, you wait and see!

Huh? I keep hitting F5, even checked the KEVINASHBURNER main database, still says he is currently reading into our recent 'wire-tap-everything-everywhere' initiative. Funny thing is we implemented that 10 years ago. Will you be attending our Kevin festival? I sure hope it'll be as good as last year!

I'd travel back to that time you were watching midget porn on your phone, Kevin. Remember that? Oh, how jolly times, eh.