Vesper

2021-22 FIFA World Cup Qualifying - UEFA, Group Stage Albania England http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-albania-vs-england-s4/ https://www.totalsportek.com/england-football/

fair points

2019/20 3300 minutes 20 goals 20 assists 2020/21 tracking to 16/17 goals, 21/22 assists on a worse team in 3300 minutes

2021-22 FIFA World Cup Qualifying - UEFA, Group Stage Serbia Portugal http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-serbia-vs-portugal-s2/ https://www.totalsportek.com/portugal-football/

2021-22 FIFA World Cup Qualifying - UEFA, Group Stage Czech Republic Belgium http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-czech-republic-vs-belgium-s1/ https://www.totalsportek.com/belgium-football/

2021-22 FIFA World Cup Qualifying - UEFA, Group Stage Norway Turkey http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-norway-vs-turkey-s2/ https://www.totalsportek.com/turkey-football/

The Bossman Steo's coming-out party against Luxembourg Surely this time, O’Ireland? Photograph: Novak Djurovic/PA John Brewin LUX AETERNA? This week’s Human Rights World Cup qualifying has reminded us that night after night after night of wall-to-wall Barclays is not so bad. Guzzling Gazprom actually does represent la crème de la crème of football. Steve Bruce, Graham Potter, Andrea Agnelli, Jorge Nuno Pinto da Costa: come back to the five and dime soon, lads. The Fiver never knows what it’s got until it loses it. Ollie Watkins, the best (only?) thing to come out of Weston-super-Mare since Jeffrey Archer, scoring for England against not-actually-that-plucky minnows San Marino? Yawn, whatever. Frank de Boer a rubbish manager? José Mourinho told you that in a 2018 drive-by. Norwegian and German players revealing footballers have taken notice that all may not be roses behind the building of those desert enormodomes? Better, much better, but the lack of football on an international fortnight Friday is thin gruel for those trying to compose a halfway [that’s ambitious – Fiver Ed] humorous round-robin email. Euro 2020 power rankings: breaking down the final 24 Read more A Bobby Goulding-esque side-step into the weird world of Super League is tempting but The Fiver can’t spake with any authority on that rough stuff up north. So the weekend’s fixtures in the Uefa region it is, where a good news story awaits. For Saturday night, when Luxembourg travel to Dublin, represents Stephen Kenny’s Republic O’Ireland coming-out party, when the Bossman Steo, as the true cognoscenti call him, might finally be able to smile. In the 11 months since he succeeded the Barnsley bluster of Mick McCarthy, Steo has usually worn the expression of Ron Saunders being handed a parking ticket. And small wonder, since the Bossman has been presented with a more-than-troublesome set of circumstances including Sheffield United players, Covid outbreaks, further false positives costing him key players in the play-off to reach the Euros and the ruinous club form of Shane Duffy. It took 678 minutes for Alan Browne to break the Bossman’s duck, scoring the first goal of Steo’s reign in Serbia. By full-time, all of O’Ireland were wildly celebrating a 3-2 defeat, though strictly behind closed doors as restrictions demand. Now for the Luxembourgers, surely lambs to a Saturday night slaughter in the Aviva. If this was Eurovision, then perhaps this would be a contest (it’s 7-5 O’Ireland on that score, Cousin Wogan Fiver tells us). In football terms, it’s 5-0 to O’Ireland, though the last meeting was in way back 1987 when Paul McGrath ooah-ed a late winner at the old Lansdowne Road. And times have moved on a tad since. Luxembourg, Europe’s one-time whipping boys, have become actually quite decent under the management of Luc Holtz – Bossman Luco to Lux cognoscenti. A squad including players from Norwich, Mainz, Dynamo Kiev and Standard Liège went close to reaching the Nations League B in the last campaign, which Cousin Co-efficient Fiver tells us actually means something. Oh Steo, oh no. QUOTE OF THE DAY “I will be removing myself until the people in power are able to regulate their platforms with the same vigour and ferocity that they currently do when you infringe copyright” – Thierry Henry announces he is stepping away from social media disgraces until the various platforms start taking racism and bullying seriously. He may be offline some time. Thierry Henry, earlier. Photograph: Ezequiel Becerra/AFP/Getty Images RECOMMENDED LISTENING It’s Football Weekly Extra … on a Friday? FIVER LETTERS “Can I be the 1,057th reader to wonder why, if Fifa believes in free speech, it is holding a World Cup in Qatar?” – Richard O’Hagan (and no others). “Now that the EU, the UK, the US and Canada have sanctioned Chinese officials for the human rights violations against Uighur Muslims, and a leading set of barristers’ chambers have concluded that there is a ‘credible case’ of genocide, when do we expect Arsenal to apologise to Mesut Özil for dismissing concerns as just his ‘personal opinion’? Or do Arsenal still think that this is all just ‘politics’ and that they’re better off ‘not involving [themselves] in’ such politics?” – Will Reddie. “Well done to Marco van Basten for suggesting the offside rule is scrapped (yesterday’s News, Bits and Bobs). Schoolyards in Britain have long been experimenting with this very proposal and even developed the unique tactical position of ‘official goal-hanger’ to ensure a maximum goal return for the big guy who took up smoking before you. However, in a pandemic-ravaged economy, can we really afford for the ranks of the unemployed to be swelled by the redundancies of VAR operatives and assistant referees?” – Colin Reed. Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Will Reddie. NEWS, BITS AND BOBS Around 5,000 Netherlands fans will be able to attend their World Cup qualifier against Latvia in Amsterdam on Saturday as part of a government-backed initiative – provided they have tested negative for Covid in the morning and recorded it on a CoronaCheck app. “This is a way it could also work with the clubs and the European Championship,” declared Dutch FA suit Gijs de Jong. Jogi Löw is happy his players sent another message to Qatar before their qualifying win over Iceland. “We stand for human rights, no matter the location. Those are our values,” he roared. Wales players would have quite the ordering. Photograph: Tobias Schwarz/Reuters Everton’s planning application for their new stadium at Bramley-Moore Dock has received government approval. “On such a momentous day, [we] would like to thank every Evertonian, along with the many organisations, the tens of thousands of people across the city region and the team of dedicated staff who have played a vital role in ensuring the club reached today’s milestone,” cheered the club. Sheffield United owner Prince Abdullah claims Chris Wilder tried to resign twice as manager before he left earlier this month. “I felt it was my mistake because we recruited how Chris wanted, we spent over £120m,” he tooted. And José Mourinho insists he has learned to deal with critics questioning his methods. Through a prism of modesty, of course. “I don’t think anybody is going to discuss rocket science with the guys from Nasa, with everybody around the world,” he parped. “They think they can discuss football with one of the most important managers in the game. I got used to it. I appreciate that … I have so many Mourinistas around the world that I play for them.” STILL WANT MORE? It’s gettin’, it’s gettin’, it’s gettin’ kinda heavy: Marcus Christenson drops the Euro 2020 power rankings. Thomas Strakosha stands in the way of England’s strikers in Tirana on Sunday. The Lazio goalkeeper gets his chat on with Will Unwin. WSL Weekend sees Manchester United take to the Old Trafford stage on Saturday when they play West Ham, but Suzanne Wrack bemoans a missed broadcast opportunity. No Leigh Sports Village for these ladies this weekend. Photograph: Matthew Ashton - AMA/Getty Images Roqué Junior, yes, Roqué Junior, won the absolute lot in football. Only Ronaldinho, Cafu and Dida from Brazil matched his haul. He speaks to Eryck Gomes. How better to boost hopes ahead of a big cup match than sessions on Call of Duty? Nick Ames hears from Josh Gowling, the manager of Hereford. Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO! A MAXIMO FRIDAY

I know

Friday March 26 2021 Football Nerd England could win a tournament playing attacking football but it would buck a trend By Daniel Zeqiri It is the football debate that never ages and remains the subject of incalculable hours of pub conversation: which team should the England manager pick? More often than not, the answer is a different team from the one they are currently selecting. In this spirit, there are growing frustrations with Gareth Southgate, mainly for not putting enough emphasis on England's attacking jewels and approaching games too conservatively. However, a look at the trend of recent international tournaments suggests he may be right to be cautious. Summer football is imperfect and necessarily involves compromise given the lack of available training time, and almost all recent tournament winners have been rather functional. The winners of the last eight tournaments have conceded fewer than a goal per game, with four of them conceding fewer than a goal every other game. Just one scored more than two goals per game on average. A measured approach seems to get the job done. Contrast this with the Champions League. Setting aside last year's Covid-affected format, seven of the previous 10 Champions League winners averaged more than two goals per game in the knockout stages and the final. Three of those 10 winners managed to lift the famous trophy while conceding more than a goal per game. In this week's Football Nerd, I explore this subject in greater depth and wonder if Southgate may be justified to prioritise solidity.

congrats to Greece

literally the dead bottom of FIFA rankings

I am, wifey has it on telly he had a great assist

3 nil Sterling Mount is playing great

2 nil DCL

1 nil England Ward Prouse

http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-germany-vs-iceland-s2/

2021-22 FIFA World Cup Qualifying - UEFA, Group Stage England San Marino http://www.sportnews.to/mysports/2021/world-cup-qualifying-england-vs-san-marino-s3/ https://www.totalsportek.com/page-4/

Danska

Swenglish, lolol

ja jag kan prata svenska men jag är inte helt flytande

Erling Haaland overheard saying "I f***ing hate this" as he stormed down tunnel https://www.mirror.co.uk/sport/football/news/erling-haaland-overheard-saying-i-23794733

The brazen neck to describe this as one of 'those big England nights' Some England training entertainment, at the very least. Photograph: Eddie Keogh/The FA/Getty Images Scott Murray TV TIMES England play the worst team in the world later on Thursday. San Marino are ranked 210th and last in the official rankings, and we always trust Fifa when it starts talking numbers. That means they’ve been even less successful historically than the likes of São Tomé and Principe, Brunei Darussalam, the Turks and Caicos Islands, and Scotland. Kick-off at Wembley is at 7.45pm GMT on ITV. Not long after, Stacey makes a big decision in EastEnders, which sounds interesting, while over on The Dog House (Channel 4, 8pm) the folk at the kennels might have found a forever home for Grant the little West Highland terrier. Aw bless. Very much looking forward to seeing him scamper about. 'His own biggest critic': Ollie Watkins' road from non-league to England Read more The San Marino match isn’t a total waste of time, though. Well, it sort of is, but it does give Gareth Southgate the opportunity to rest Harry Kane, who played all 120 minutes of Tottenham’s laugh riot at Dinamo Zagreb last Thursday, then three days later pulled off the heist at Villa Park where poor old Matty Cash was done up like a kipper, well true and proper. Plenty of midnight oil was burned while planning that caper, and criminal masterminds are still only human like the rest of us, they get tuckered out too, so Big H gets to put his feet up. Just in time to catch the last of this year’s heats in MasterChef. Southgate had the brazen neck to describe this as one of “those big England nights”, slightly undermining an already ludicrous point by comparing it to the 9-0 win over Luxembourg in 1982. Drifting off into nostalgic reverie, he spoke of the “Luther Blissett hat-trick in my head” while insisting that “there are little moments in those games that we look back on from our youth and kids of today will do that.” The Fiver isn’t quite so confident about that, given the cumulative score between the two countries in their previous six meetings is 37-1, and we all know full well the only goal anyone remembers. Lightning never strikes twice, so expect a bored nation to start looking for the remote control at approximately 7.45pm and 6.3 seconds. LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE! Join Scott Murray for hot MBM coverage of England 6-0 San Marino from 7.45pm GMT, while Simon Burnton will mop up the rest of the Human Rights World Cup qualifiers on his clockwatch. QUOTE OF THE DAY “Yes” – Melbourne City’s Rhali Dobson accepts her partner’s proposal after she went over to celebrate with him, having scored in the final game of her career before retiring to support his cancer treatment. Think there’s some dust in the room. FIVER LETTERS “I’m not expecting a Fiver campaign, but consider this. Last Saturday my rubbish team Southend got a rare penalty v Firewall FC when our Tim Dieng was pushed to the ground by their skipper Jordan Clarke; definitely a pen, but Dieng made a meal of it by holding his face/head (though to be fair he had a bandaged head from a nasty cut a week earlier so could have been in pain). Clarke’s red card has been rescinded and now, instead, Dieng has been given a two-match ban. How is that possible when even ‘simulation’ spotted by a ref only gets a yellow and when theatrical tumbles are normal, unpunished fare in the Premier League and Big Cup? It’s bad enough that we’re probably going out of the league after 100-plus years without the EFL sticking an extra boot in” – Bryan Matthews. “Re: Neil Wells (yesterday’s Fiver letters). As a Manchester United fan, I was at the 1971 Chelsea away match in which United conceded the first goal through a pass across, just outside the penalty area, but I hope that Paddy Crerand owns up and calls The Fiver to state it was not John Fitzpatrick who committed this heinous crime” – Rob Burke. “OK, I know I’m not actually supposed to take anything seriously, to be emotionally pinged in any way, but in yesterday’s Fiver there were two remarkable letters, one in-good-faith report of a coaching change retraction, a young adult shifting the literacy rate of an entire country and an Egyptian who could make millions impersonating some Argentinian. Strange times; I enjoyed it” – Paul Benveniste. Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Bryan Matthews. NEWS, BITS AND BOBS Crewe chairman John Bowler has stood down following the publication of the Sheldon report into sexual abuse in football. “We obviously welcome this decision,” read a statement from the Offside Trust. “We thought it might have been made in 2016.” FFP rules are to undergo dramatic change, with the key break-even measure declared “purposeless” by Uefa. Hmm … Fifa will not punish Norway after their players protested about Qatar’s hosting of the Human Rights World Cup before the 3-0 qualifying win in Gibraltar. “Fifa believes in the freedom of speech, and in the power of football as a force for good,” it cheered. Respect, earlier. Photograph: Jon Nazca/Reuters Wales are licking their wounds after a 3-1 defeat at the hands of Belgium. “They are No 1 in the world for a reason,” sighed caretaker boss Robert Page. The Republic O’Ireland did a goal – two of them! – but it wasn’t enough to avoid a 3-2 defeat in Serbia. Slovenia defender Petar Stojanovic is revelling in his team’s 1-0 win over Croatia. “We’ve been told many times that we are just a skiing nation but we showed that we have a great national soccer team too,” he whooped. Former Dutch goal-getter Marco van Basten wants the offside rule scrapped. “I am convinced that football would be better without it,” he trilled. And Queen’s Celtic skipper Scott Brown will leave Parkhead this summer after 14 seasons with the club to join Aberdeen as player-coach. STILL WANT MORE? Six new England-born players, Michail Antonio and Human Rights 2022 to follow? The Reggae Boyz of Jamaica have big plans, as Paul MacInnes learns. How the EFL prepares would-be stars of the future. By Ben Fisher. From Weston-super-Mare to Wembley: Ben Fisher traces the origin story of super-Villan Ollie Watkins. Every hero needs … Photograph: Eddie Keogh/The FA/Getty Images When it comes to Qatar, look to Norway to find a moral compass, writes Barry Glendenning. Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO! IS ADRIAN ‘AIDY’ BOOTHROYD STILL WORKING HIS MAGIC?

David Squires on … football conspiracy theories uncovered Our resident cartoonist puts on his tin foil hat and reveals some shocking football-related conspiracies https://www.theguardian.com/football/ng-interactive/2021/mar/23/david-squires-on-football-conspiracy-theories-uncovered

fuck that Norsk twat