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The Telegraph understands that Chelsea FC is close to signing central-midfielder Amblève on a free transfer. Contract negotiations have been going on for the past 12 months with Chelsea being confident they can sign the Bosnian-Austrian in the near future. Chelsea Director Marina Granovskaia believes that the lengthy negotiations were necessary in order to lower the transfer fee from €0 to £0.

Following his year-long medical Amblève was being quoted saying, “Shit mate, I just woke up from a coma or something, I don’t even know what Chelsea’s doctors were doing”. While talking to Telegraph journalists a green fluid was leaking out of Amblève’s arms which the player did not want to comment on.

The 20-something-year-old is considered a poor talent, however, first-team manager Antonio Conte believes that “as long as he has two legs, he can run”. Technical Director Michael Emenalo, who was scouting Amblève personally before inviting him to a medical last summer, thinks that the player can add much-needed Mikel-ness to Chelsea’s first team which the squad has been lacking ever since the legendary Nigerian left Chelsea during the last transfer window. Being asked what he himself thinks he can offer to his new team Amblève said:

“You’ll see I’m some real intelligent motherfucker, man. I don’t believe in running, what’s the point of it anyway? I’ve never suffered any injury and that’s because I know that every movement is unnecessary.

I think I can be a great leader for this team with John being gone now. They sell armbands at the Megastore so I should probably get one from there; Gary completely ruined the last one.”

Later that day Conte was asked about Amblève’s comments as well as if he has concerns about the central-midfielder having no prior experience in professional football:

“For sure he can have a good seasono.”

On the way to his car sources close to Antonio Conte’s car noticed the Italian sweating nervously while also whispering “Kill me, fam”. Neither occurrence has been confirmed by club officials, however.


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