Joke Thread

[Vesper 27,326]

Only A Yardie...

           There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;  a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.  However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. 

          The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. 

          "But I paid you!" the Trini shouted. 

          The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. 

          Five minutes later the Bajan walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.  When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. 

          "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. 

          This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. 

          Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.  After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ 

          Before he could finish, the Yardie chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!" 

[Fulham Broadway 16,395]

Went for a massage in one of those dodgy sauna places, hoping for a bit of action. She did my back, then asked me to turn over. Now, I've got a fucking tent under the towel. ''Would Sir like a wank ?'' She said. ''Yeah Ok'' I said. ''Go ahead'' she said, ''I'll be back in ten minutes''/

 

Mate leant me a porno DVD. It was fucking rubbish though. The picture was all greyed out, and it just seemed to be a bloke with his cock in his hand. Then I realised I hadn't switched on the TV.

[Fulham Broadway 16,395]

People say Steve Jobs died too soon. However, it could be said it's a fitting metaphor for his companies attitude to battery life.

[Unionjack 7,531]

On 2/16/2019 at 4:56 PM, Vesper said:

Only A Yardie...

           There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;  a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving because they didn't have money to buy food.  However, upon coming close to a posh restaurant they came up with a plan. 

          The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter came by with the cheque. 

          "But I paid you!" the Trini shouted. 

          The waiter was very confused as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any trouble...he let the Trini leave. 

          Five minutes later the Bajan walked into the restaurant and ordered a five course meal with red wine.  When he was finished eating, the waiter came by to collect the money for food. 

          "But I paid you!" The Barbadian shouted. 

          This time the manager came and had to calm down the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers he let the Bajan go. 

          Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two Red Stripe beers.  After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir... I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it. Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them, so........ 

          Before he could finish, the Yardie chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss, that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!" 

 

On 2/19/2019 at 8:52 PM, Fulham Broadway said:

Went for a massage in one of those dodgy sauna places, hoping for a bit of action. She did my back, then asked me to turn over. Now, I've got a fucking tent under the towel. ''Would Sir like a wank ?'' She said. ''Yeah Ok'' I said. ''Go ahead'' she said, ''I'll be back in ten minutes''/

 

Mate leant me a porno DVD. It was fucking rubbish though. The picture was all greyed out, and it just seemed to be a bloke with his cock in his hand. Then I realised I hadn't switched on the TV.

 

On 2/19/2019 at 9:34 PM, Fulham Broadway said:

People say Steve Jobs died too soon. However, it could be said it's a fitting metaphor for his companies attitude to battery life.

Excellent.

Pissed Up Ralph

Ralph came home pissed up one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping Mrs, and fell into a deep slumber.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said, 'You died in your sleep, Ralph.'
Ralph was stunned.

'I'm dead? No, I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!'

St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.'

Ralph was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a pretty little farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking, and pecking the ground.

A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'

'Not bad,' replied Ralph, the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!'
'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don 't tell me you've never laid an egg before?'

'No,Never,' said Ralph.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal.'

Ralph did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg!

Ralph was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg -- his joy was overwhelming.

As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard his wife shout.....

'Dammit, Ralph! Wake up. You're shitting in the bed again!

[Unionjack 7,531]

There an old fella laying in the hospital bed with an oxygen mask on when the pretty Nurse comes in. And he say's in a muffled voice " excuse me" he says
The nurse says "'Good morning mister Cooper ,what do you need ? "
In a muffled voice Mr Cooper says " Are my testicles black?"
The nurse says"I don't know"
Well can you look" says Mr Cooper
So the nurse pull back the sheet, pulls his dick and balls out through  hole in the front of the Pajama's and proceed to push the testicles first to the left then the right, then up and around.
Mr Cooper after a minute or two of this pulls off his oxygen mask and says in a clear voice. "Thanks, that was luvly. But I was asking you if my test results were back"

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

A couple, both age 78, went to an NHS sex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them £50.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no problems, pay the doctor, then leave.

Finally, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

"We're not trying to find out anything," the husband replied.
"She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married and we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges £90. The Hilton charges £108. We do it here for £50...and I get £43 back from Bupa.

 

[Vesper 27,326]

[Unionjack 7,531]

37 minutes ago, Vesper said:

Completely lost me with this one Mrs lol

 

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

 

[Vesper 27,326]

2 minutes ago, Unionjack said:

Completely lost me with this one Mrs lol

 

Passing an office building late one night, a blonde saw a sign that said, "Press bell for night watchman."

She did so, and after several minutes she heard the watchman clomping down the stairs.

The uniformed man proceeded to unlock first one gate, then another, shut down the alarm system, and finally made his way through the revolving door.

"Well," he snarled at the blonde, "what do you want?"

"I just want to know why you can't ring the bell for yourself?"

 

2007 BBC live telly.

The 2012 London Olympics logo contest. That is one based off Goatse, lolol, and the Beeb broadcast it!

[Unionjack 7,531]

8 minutes ago, Vesper said:

2007 BBC live telly.

The 2012 London Olympics logo contest. That is one based off Goatse, lolol, and the Beeb broadcast it!

Ahhhhh - Goatsex!!!

[Vesper 27,326]

12 minutes ago, Unionjack said:

Ahhhhh - Goatsex!!!

Yep goatse, which I will NOT post, lol.

[Unionjack 7,531]

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?


Two..... but I have no idea how they got in there. 

 

A drunk walks up to a barkeeper one day and says, "If I show you a trick will you give me a free drink?" 

The Barkeep says "Depends on how good of a trick it is."

The Drunk reaches into his pocket and pulls out a frog and places him behind the piano. The frog starts to play the sweetest jazz riff the barkeeper has ever heard. He pours the drunk his drink.


The drunk, after killing his drink says, "If I show you another trick can I have another free one?" 

The barkeep says "If it is anything like that last one, you can drink free all night."

The drunk reaches into his other pocket, pulls out a rat, sets it on top of the piano, and the rat starts scatting along with the frog.

Impressed, the barkeeper starts to pour drinks as fast as the drunk can drink 'em. After several hours, a big time Hollywood agent walks in, sees the act and frantically asks the barkeeper who it belongs to. The barkeeper points to the drunk who is passed out on the floor.

The agent wakes him up and says, "I will give you 1 Million dollars for that act."

The drunks says "not for sale". 

The agent says, "Ok, 100 grand for just the scatting rat."

The drunk say, "deal" The agent writes the check and leaves with the rat.

The barkeeper looks at the drunk and says, "Are you nuts? You had a Million dollar act that you just broke up for a whimpy 100 g's?"

The Drunk says, "Relax, the frog is a ventriloquist"

[OhhEnnEmm 3]

On 3/9/2019 at 9:25 AM, Vesper said:

Suppose some jokes write themselves...

[Atomiswave 6,072]

Trick or treat, hot monkey love between the seats.

[Fulham Broadway 16,395]

....anyway he lent me another one and I thought this will be good, called 'Jordans dribbling cunt'

Another disappointment, just a documentary on Harvey

 

 

[cosmicway 1,256]

A Chelsea fan, an Arsenal fan and a Manchester United fan were all in Saudi Arabia drinking a smuggled crate of booze.

All of a sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them.

For their punishment the Saudi Arabia Sheik decided that the punishment should be 20 lashes with a whip.

As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheik suddenly said: "It is my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping."

The Arsenal fan was first in line (he had consumed the least), so he thought about it for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back."

This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through it.

The Arsenal fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying when the punishment was done.

The Manchester United fan was next up (he almost finished a half-keg), and after watching the scene, said: "Choice! Please fix two pillows on my back."

But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again.

The Chelsea fan was the last one up (he had finished off the keg), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You are from a most beautiful part of England, your city has some of the best and most loyal football fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!"

"Cheers mate, your Most Royal and Merciful highness", the Chelsea fan replied.

"In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes."

"Not only are you an honorable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave." The Sheik said with an admiring look on his face.

"If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheik asked.

"Tie that Manchester United fan to my back..."

[Drogba11CFC 108]

If you ever wonder if there's any point to your job, just remember that there are people being paid to fit indicators to BMWs.

[Special Juan 27,103]

A man walks into a library, he asks the worker "Do you have books on Tortoises?" he replied "Hardback" the man replied "Yes with a little round head"

😬