Joke Thread

[Special Juan 28,141]

Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.

[zolayes 14,489]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

- - - Updated - - -

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ¤¤¤ and having the balls to say: "You're next, vetgat."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

thats NOT guts and balls ,,, Thats DUMB and DUMBER

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This really made me laugh

[cosmicway 1,333]

The Spanish maid goes to the lady of the house and asks for a pay rise.

The lady is not at all happy at this so she asks "Isabellita, why do you think I should give you a pay rise ?"

Isabellita: "Seniora there are the following reasons. First I 'm better in ironing than you are".

Lady: "Indeed, and who says that ?"
Isabellita: "Your husband"

Lady: "yyes ?"

Isabellita: "The other reason is I cook better."

Lady: "Nonsense, since when you become a better cook than me ?"

Isabellita: "Your husband says so."

Lady (visible upset): "Oh, he says so ..."

Isabellita: "The third reason is I make better sex than you do."
Lady (at boiling point now): "AND DID MY HUSBAND ALSO SAY THAT ?"

Isabellita: "No madame - the gardener."

Lady: "How much ?"

[cosmicway 1,333]

Cop approaches suspect drunk driver:

Good evening sir, have you had a drink ?

No sir are you taking the orders ?

[Special Juan 28,141]

I bumped into an old mate today.

He said, "What you up to these days?"

I said, "I prepare meals for the homeless, druggies, piss heads and down 'n' outs."

He said, "So you work in a charity drop in centre?"

I said, "No, I'm a chef in a Wetherspoons pub."

[babu 261]

A very religious man lived right next door to an atheist. The religious man prayed every single day and night, spending much time at church, while the atheist never even thought of such acts.

However, the atheist had a good life. An excellent, well-payed job, and a beautiful wife, lovely, healthy, children, whereas the religious man's job was stressful and his wages were low, his wife was getting fatter every day, and his kids were obnoxious, and non loving.

So one day, while deep into his regular prayer, he looked towards heaven and asked, "Oh God, I honour you every day, I ask your advice for every problem and confess to you my every sin. Yet my neighbour, who doesn't even believe in you and certainly never prays, seems blessed with every happiness, while I go poor and suffer many an indignity. Why is this?"

A great voice bellowed out from above, "BECAUSE HE DOESN'T BOTHER ME ALL THE TIME!"

[babu 261]

Ask For Salary Increase.

One day an employee sends a letter to his boss to increase his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$ In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon. Your$ $incerely, Norman $oh

The next day, the employee recieved this letter

Dear NOrman,I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.Yours truly, Manager

- - - Updated - - -

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.
The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."
The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

- - - Updated - - -

A policeman stops a lady and asks for her license. He says, "Lady, it says here that you should be wearing glasses."
The woman answered, "Well, I have contacts."
The policeman replied, "I don't care who you know! You're getting a ticket!"

- - - Updated - - -

Old farmer Johnson was dying. The family was standing around his bed. With a low voice he said to his wife: "When I'm dead I want you to marry farmer Jones."
Wife: "No, I can't marry anyone after you."
Johnson: "But I want you to."
Wife: "But why?"
Johnson: "Jones once cheated me in a horse deal!"

[Special Juan 28,141]

I was very impressed by the minutes silence in Liverpool earlier for the hillsborough victims.

I was certain they couldn't go that long without mentioning it.

[Special Juan 28,141]

"G'day mate, Aussie Helpline here ...What's the problem,cobber?"
"I'm in Darwin with my Sheila and she's been stung on the minge by a wasp, and now it has completely closed up."
"Bummer, mate..!"
"Thanks mate, I hadn't thought of that, Bye."

[Special Juan 28,141]

My buddy told me he had a threesome with his girlfriend and her twin. I asked how did he tell them apart?

He said "her brother has a mustache"

[cosmicway 1,333]

A blind man walks into a women only bar by mistake.

Seats himself on a stool and after making his order thinking that he is talking to a barman he says. Hey you want to hear the latest joke about blondes ?

A deadly silence follows in the bar and a heavy female voice is heard saying.

Before telling us your joke you should know five things:

1. The barwoman is a blonde.

2. The waitress is a blonde.

3. I am 1.80, weigh 220 pounds with a black belt in karate.

4. The woman on your left is a blonde and a weight lifting professional.

5. The woman on your right is a blonde and she 's just out of prison for murder.

So you still want to tell the joke ?

Blindman:

No, if I have to explain it five times ...

[cosmicway 1,333]

Indian man goes to the home office and requestS to change his name from "Big Rock that rolls and falls in the river".

He is asked "what do you want to make it" ?

SPLASH !

[cosmicway 1,333]

A Jewish woman goes to see her rabbi and asks: "Ben and Ariel are both in love wih me. Who will be the lucky one ?".
The old wise rabbi replies "Ben will marry you. Ariel will be the lucky one ...".

[BleedsBlue 1,549]

Liverpool's Defence.

[KevinAshburner 1,270]

I KNOW THAT THIS ANSWER & QUESTION IS OBVIOUS WHAT IT IS, BUT I WANTED TO POST IT ANYWAY.

THIS JOKE IS NOT IN ANYWAY SEXIEST OR MEANT TO BE TAKEN IN A BAD WAY.

IT IS JUST A JOKE.

ANSWER MY QUESTION or DON'T BECAUSE WE ALL KNOW WHAT THE JOKE IS:

I APOLOGIZE IN ADVANCE IF THIS JOKE OFFENDED ANY FEMALES,WOMEN.

WHAT DOES A

VIBRATOR, DILDO, SYBIAN

&

CONDOM

HAVE IN COMMON

WITH EACH OTHER

THEIR PURPOSE IS WHAT IN LIFE

WHAT DO

THEY LIKE

TO DO TO

FEMALE WOMEN

Edited May 10, 2014 by KevinAshburner

[cosmicway 1,333]

My rabbi please tell me is it fair for someone to take advantage of other people's mistakes ?

No my child, no one must ever take advantage of the errors made by another human being.

Are you sure rabbi ?

Naturally I 'm sure. As a matter of fact I am absolutely convinced.

Ok ... If you are so sure, what about returning me those 200 bucks I gave you to marry me with my wife ?

[Special Juan 28,141]

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..........

Those were Goodyears.

[Rmpr 8,977]

I had a happy childhood, I can remember my dad putting me inside a tyre and rolling me down a hill..........Those were Goodyears.

Not sure whether or not to delete this...

[Special Juan 28,141]

Not sure whether or not to delete this...

Made this wife laugh.

I will delete you!!