MT&AHC #1 - The toils of Tancredi Palmeri and the Twitter Trolls

[BlueLion. 21,491]

My Two-And-A-Half Cents is a column written by TalkChelsea administrator Alex Hinsley. A satirical look at happenings surrounding Chelsea Football Club, it must be stated that any views stated in this column are most definitely my own, and in no way reflect upon TalkChelsea.net, Chelsea FC, or any affiliates.

The toils of Tancredi Palmeri and the Twitter Trolls.

Professional oxygen-thief and shit-stirrer Tancredi Palmeri has once again incurred the ire of Chelsea fans around the world - this time by insisting David Luiz is interested in a move to Barcelona.

Palmeri, whose daily Twitter routine consists of insisting naive Blues fans around the globe that the club have bid an extra tenner for Edinson Cavani (even though he's already fucked off to P$G), claims the Catalan club will test Chelsea's resolve with a £35 million bid. For one of the most exciting players in European football, that's an insult, right?

Stick another zero on the end, include Messi in a player-plus-cash deal, and maybe we'll talk.

Entering "Palmeri" into Google Translate does actually produce an interesting result - it's Italian for "twat".

On the topic of Twitter trolls, some tit thought it would be hilarious to troll Blues fans by saying he'd seen Newcastle's star midfielder Yohan Cabaye at Stamford Bridge. He was even ready and waiting to take a picture when the Frenchman stepped out of the West Stand reception! What a tool.

If you see him on the train or bump into him on Twitter, give him an earful! Let's face it, any Chelsea supporter who tries to deceive fellow Blues is nothing short of a cunt.

Poor Wazza has hurt his shoulder...

According to David Moyes, Wayne Rooney isn't attending Manchester United's trip to Sweden to face AIK as he's hurt his shoulder.

At second glance, it appears the injury is actually affecting the England star's neck - his head has been turned so emphatically by Chelsea's interest that as soon as he learns enough letters, Wayne will probably pen his written transfer request - with a little help from three-year-old son Kai.

It's now fashionable to like Victor Moses.

As the title says, Victor Moses is now everyone's favourite player after two pre-season performances.

Despite scoring ten goals and playing in a different position every game in his debut season - and doing a pretty damned decent job in doing so - Big Vic became a favourite target for the bashers over the summer. "Not Chelsea material" seemed to be a general consensus.

However, starring roles against both sides of Milan means that midfield maestro Moses is sure to become one of Mourinho's main men.

Somewhere in a quiet corner, the half-dozen of us who supported this clever home-grown squad signing right from the start are wearing satisfied smiles.

Isn't he supposed to be shit?

'Rique "the Hitman" Hilario strikes again!

In other news, coffin-dodger extraordinaire Henrique Hilario has somehow wangled an extension to his Stamford Bridge season-ticket.

The former Portuguese goalkeeper - believed dead until Chelsea last week confirmed his existence - has played a starring role on the Stamford Bridge bench. The phrase "part of the furniture" does actually summarise H's usefulness. The new contract takes up a spot amongst the "foreign quota" of the Blues' Premier League and Champions League squads, should he be registered. Great decision.

Reports suggest promising youth goalkeeper Jamal Blackman was seen at the Blues' 2-0 win over AC Milan last night with friends, holding the following banner:

He later took his disdain to Facebook, saying "lyk dis if u cry evertim Hilaryo signs contrahct".

[didierforever 7,349]

nice one dude,,,

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Brilliant

[Heisenberg 1,824]

Very gooooooooood ! Enjoyed every word.I'll re-use gladly "oxygen-thief and shit-stirrer" sometimes !

[NishC300 1,865]

INCREDIBLE! WOW! SUPERB!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Thanks for the very kind words, all! This will become a column I will frequently write up - I'm fed up of sensible articles; I need to take the piss!

[Jase 43,479]

That was absolutely brilliant!

[Spike 12,049]

Are you taking the piss, mate?

[Hutcho 8,443]

[BlueLion. 21,491]

That was absolutely brilliant!

Cheers Jase!

Are you taking the piss, mate?

Me, a piss-taker? No way.

[Jase 43,479]

Are you taking the piss, mate?

Spike is just taking the piss by asking the obvious...

[Spike 12,049]

Spike is just taking the piss by asking the obvious...

Now you are taking the piss. Don't turn this into Pissception.

[Stingray 9,441]

Always flush after taking the piss !

Ps: @alex great stuff, your piss. Potent!

[Barbara 15,149]

brilliant doesn't even start to cover, Lex.

Are there older ones? I want to read all of them if they already exist.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Spike is just taking the piss by asking the obvious...

So he's taking the piss out of taking the piss? :confused:

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Always flush after taking the piss !

Ps: @alex great stuff, your piss. Potent!

I bottle it up and age it like a fine wine

brilliant doesn't even start to cover, Lex.

Are there older ones? I want to read all of them if they already exist.

Thanks, B! Sadly, no. I've always been a sarcastic bastard, but I had never thought to try and put it into an article. One of my absolute inspirations as a writer is Charlie Brooker. You can read one of his articles here. He is a traditional British dead-pan comedic/satirical writer and reading his stuff for decades has rubbed off on me, I guess!

[OneMoSalah 8,785]

Hahahaha this is class, nice wee change too in comparison to Jason's I love Justin Bieber articles

'Wayne will probably pen his written transfer request - with a little help from three-year-old son Kai. '

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Hahahaha this is class, nice wee change too in comparison to Jason's I love Justin Bieber articles

'Wayne will probably pen his written transfer request - with a little help from three-year-old son Kai. '

That quote was my favourite bit Alongside calling Tancredi Palmeri a twat and a "professional oxygen-thief and shit-stirrer"