A U-rated family-entertainment version of the next James Bond film
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‘No, Mr Saka. I expect you to thrive.’ Photograph: Stuart MacFarlane/Arsenal FC/Getty Images
Simon Burnton
@Simon_Burnton
SHAKEN, NOT STIRRED
With games coming at Arsenal thick and fast, poor Mikel Arteta has been facing the microphones again to preview his side’s next humiliating surrender, at home to Southampton on Wednesday evening. After four defeats and a draw in their last five league matches, seven defeats this season so far, and four successive reverses at home, hacks are starting to ask if Arteta can plot a way out of their impenetrable form swamp, and among the people they are starting to ask is Arteta himself.
“It’s no time to hide,” sighed the Spaniard, which sounds like a U-rated family-entertainment version of the next James Bond film. It might work, though, with Saka, Bukayo Saka, Arsenal’s No 007, setting out on a mission to find out why the older, more experienced and probably much better-paid players around him are performing so lousily despite his own heroic efforts. What skulduggery has caused these generally successful and highly-motivated individuals to perform so inadequately? Will Q’s daring prototype Granit Xhaka pacifier work when Saka triggers the secret button embroidered on to his personalised boots? Will the English ace make it out of the club before it self-combusts completely? These questions and more will be answered in 90 minutes of high-octane action, something that can only be created at the Emirates these days with the aid of a considerable special effects budget.
'No time to hide': Arteta admits he and Arsenal's players must take the flak
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“It’s time to put your face and your body on the line and at the moment, I’m sorry, but we have to take the bullets,” added Arteta, clearly following The Fiver down a wacky Bond-themed mind-warren. “I have to put my chest there and you have to hit me, because you have the right to hit me because I’m not winning. This is our reality right now and we have to face it and we have to face it being brave, fighting and no one giving up or anything.”
There might be something for a daring agent to actually investigate here, with Arteta not alone in producing puzzling responses to questions about Arsenal’s performances. For example Edu, the club’s technical director, could only have formulated his answer with the aid of either outrageous levels of optimism or strong hallucinogenics. “Mikel is doing a great job,” he tooted. “I can see the future. I can see a big and beautiful future.” Pep Guardiola was also asked for his opinion of Arteta’s impact at Arsenal. “If I was part of the board,” he said, “I would not have any doubts about his capacity to put Arsenal in the place they deserve to be.” The most ardent Spurs fan couldn’t have put it better.
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Join Simon Burnton from 6pm GMT for hot MBM coverage of Wolves 2-2 Chelsea in the Premier League, before Ben Fisher guides you through Manchester City 4-1 West Brom at 8pm.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We got beat 3-1, [Shaun] Goater scored a couple and they beat us. Coming into the changing room I could feel it, I could sense the atmosphere. I sat down and Ruud van Nistelrooy walked in with a Man City shirt. He’d swapped a shirt. [Lord Ferg] went off his head, he went nuts. He didn’t go red, he went purple” – Rio Ferdinand shares some Manchester derby memories after Saturday’s tedious derby stroll-around and the friendly post-match scenes.
You can feel the purpling from here. Photograph: Javier García/BPI/Rex/Shutterstock
RECOMMENDED LOOKING
David Squires on … Arsenal, Mike Dean and the general state of things amid football’s chaotic current state. You can get your own copy too.
FIVER LETTERS
“The blood that runs through these 75-year-old veins is deepest Royal Blue. However, my loyalty to Everton has never blinded me to class when I see it. Gérard Houllier had it by the bucketload. Mr Houllier had an enduring love for Liverpool and its people, and an enduring love for the game of football. How could I not be feeling sad at his passing? It’s now almost 35 years since I emigrated from my city of birth, I send my sympathy and love to all football-loving Liverpool folk” – Dave Power.
“Thank you for your lovely tribute (yesterday’s Fiver). It’s not often The Fiver gets me emotional for the right reasons. A lot has been said about Houllier’s importance in modernising the club and laying the foundations for what came after, but I’ve always found it oddly hard to connect that with a more emotional connection with his time. Reminiscences like that and the touching piece by Phil Thompson really helped bring it home for me” – Matt Hockey.
“In reply to Noble Francis lamenting the lack of excitement in televised Premier League matches (yesterday’s Fiver letters), all I can say is pick any League Two team and watch them on iFollow. If the thrills and spills served up by my team, Oldham Athletic, are anything to go by, he’d be in for a treat” – Rob Newton.
Send your letters to
[email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Dave Power.
RECOMMENDED SHOPPING
Available at our print shop now, Tom Jenkins’s pictures of the past decade. There’s also this Gazza picture and one of Pelé there too.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Aston Villa’s captain, Jack Grealish, has been banned from driving for nine months and fined £82,499 after crashing his Range Rover during the Covid-19 lockdown in March, less than 24 hours after issuing a video message urging people to stay at home.
Chelsea’s Danny Drinkwater is set to be disciplined after being sent off for the U-23s in their 3-2 win over Spurs. The midfielder scythed down Alfie Devine off the ball in response to a crude tackle, sparking a brawl between the teams, before the pair were dismissed.
Good old Petr Cech having to get in there. 2020! Photograph: Justin Setterfield/Getty Images
Roma midfielder Bryan Cristante faces one match on the naughty step after being banned for blasphemy.
Barcelona presidential candidate Emili Rousaud reckons Leo Messi’s wages are too big amid the current financial predicament. “Messi’s salary is not sustainable, so we’ll have to reach an agreement with him,” he parped. “What matters most is the sporting project.”
Meanwhile, Joan Laporta has launched his campaign with a giant poster next to the Bernabéu in Madrid, with a message: “Looking forward to seeing you again.”
Big Joan there. Photograph: Juan Medina/Reuters
Bristol Rovers’ next two League One matches – against Charlton and Oxford – have been called off due to a Covid-19 outbreak.
And Crawley Town have signed former reality TV star Mark Wright, 13 years after his first spell there. “I am pleased to have him back with his experience on and off the pitch,” cheered head coach John Yems. “Mark is a great role model for players in the future.”
STILL WANT MORE?
Adam White on the grim outlook for French football after the collapse of Ligue Urrrrrrrrrrn’s mega-Euros TV deal.
“There was a real togetherness and that was down to Gérard.” Phil Thompson pays tribute to his old boss and mate, Gérard Houllier, while Adam White assesses his influence on the game in France.
Sid Lowe looks at the latest demonstrations of durability from Zinedine Zidane and Madrid.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
1994! YIKES
