Joke Thread

[Vincent 403]

Wife : "I dreamed they were auctioning off dicks. The big ones went for ten dollars and the thick ones went for twenty dollars."

Husband : "How about the ones like mine?"

Wife : "They gave those away."

Husband : "I had a dream too...I dreamed they were auctioning off vaginas. The pretty ones went for a thousand dollars, and the little tight ones went for two thousand."

Wife : "And how much for the ones like mine?"

Husband : "That's where they held the auction."

[cosmicway 1,333]

She: Dear, what about Napoli ?
He: Draw.
She: I mean for our holidays you imbecile !

[Madmax 9,219]

Liverpool haven't won the league since the time Steven Gerrard's mum and dad were just brother and sister.

[Special Juan 28,141]

A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

"It's very brave of you to come out here," says Matthew. "Please tell the audience what happened."

"Well," replies Simon, "about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn't save my legs."

"That's terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?" asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
"I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year."

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
"That's an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?"

"Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle."

[cosmicway 1,333]

A madman escapes from the lunatic asylum, enters a car that was parked outside, starts the engine and goes away.
He enters the motorway at high speed, against the current.
The drivers of the other vehicles upon seeing him coming at them were hitting their brakes, blowing their corns, flicking their lights ... panic !
The police gives an announcement to all radio stations, to avoid accidents.

"We interrupt our program for a special announcement ! DRIVERS ATTENTION ! Mad driver moves on the national motorway at high speed, in the wrong current".

The madman himself listens to this in his radio ... looks right, looks left, shakes his head and says to himself "as if it is only one of them ..." !

[Special Juan 28,141]

Keith Harris has died from a rare form of cancer- Orville wasn't on hand to comment.

[babu 261]

A mother and father took their 6-year-old son to a nude beach. As the boy walked along the beach, he noticed that some of the ladies had boobs bigger than his mothers, and asked her why. She told her son, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." The boy pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger "units" than his dad. His mother replied, "The bigger they are the dumber the person is." Again satisfied with this answer, the boy returns to the ocean to play. Shortly after, the boy returned again. He promptly told his mother, "Daddy is talking to the dumbest girl on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets.

The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples. The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:

"Take only ONE. God is watching."

Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.

A child had written a note, "Take all you want. God is watching the apples.

[Special Juan 28,141]

Just been on the laptop and the wife popped her head around and said

"What you up too?"

Me "Just looking at flights"

Her "Oh wow, this is a lovely surprise this, where are we going"

Me "I haven't a fucking clue about you but I'm off to the pub for my darts match"

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

A woman walks into a shop and asks the man behind the counter for a double entendre. So he gave her one.

[RoyalBlues 4,050]

Falcao’s employment inquiry letter to Chelsea

http://www.dirtytackle.net/2015/06/04/falcaos-employment-inquiry-letter-to-chelsea/

Dear Mr. Mourinho,

I recently read about Didier Drogba’s intention to leave Chelsea this summer and would like to find out if you are now looking for an experienced striker with a stylish haircut to replace him. I am interested in a job within the Premier League and would be happy to move to London. It will be a great pleasure to learn more regarding Chelsea FC’s mission and the potential job opportunities.

I have recently completed a season on loan at Manchester United, where I learned a great deal about youth development as a member of their U-21 team and tactical adjustments by sitting next to manager Louis van Gaal during first team matches. I would also like to point out that I am the same Falcao who scored 142 goals in four seasons with Atletico Madrid and your former club, Porto. Honestly. I really am.

I can provide more detailed qualifications upon request. In addition, I would also like you to know that I am not limiting my job search to the highly competitive striker position. Given my recent form, at a prestigious club such as Chelsea I would be more than happy to accept a position in the ticket sales department, as an apprentice groundskeeper, in the kitchen, or any other job that you would be generous enough to give me. Please.

To follow up on my inquiry, I will call your secretary after two weeks, and every 10 minutes on transfer deadline day if I don’t hear back from you between now and then. James Rodriguez is letting me borrow his mobile phone because he’s tired of its constant ringing, so I can be reached there anytime day or night.

Thank you for your time and consideration. I look forward to meeting with you soon. And again, I will do absolutely anything to avoid a sad future of playing for Stoke City.

Desperately yours,

Radamel Falcao

Attachments: A picture of me begging

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

A bloke dies and goes to hell and the Devil is there to meet him.'' All punishments are for a thousand years'' says the devil.

He then says '' you must pick one of these three rooms to serve your punishment''. In room one a man is getting whipped by

these little imps and there burning him with hot pokers. ''Well?'' says the devil.'' No way bollocks i'll try room two'' says the bloke.

In room two a man is clamped upside down to the wall by his dick and is getting constant electric shocks. ''Well?'' says the devil.

''No way bollocks i'll try room three'' says the bloke.

In room three there's a beautiful blond giving this man a blowjob. ''Well?'' says the devil. The bloke says yes yes yes i'll take my punishment in room three. The devil says '' Are you sure? there's no changing your mind. ''Yes yes i'm sure'' says the bloke. Very well the devil says who then walks up to the blond and says ''Ok love you can go'' points at the bloke and says ''he's taking over''

[guddy6969 201]

In the news today, Celtic have announced a return for standing areas at their ground. Liverpool supporters groups have reacted by urging the public to remember the casualties of the Hillsborough disaster and to appreciate the pain still felt in the city.

In other news, a baker in Preston is celebrating a record breaking sausage roll that measures four metres in length. Liverpool supporters groups have reacted by urging the public to remember the casualties of the Hillsborough disaster and to appreciate the pain still felt in the city..

[babu 261]

NSFW


Says the woman: 'Mark, Do you know that gorillas are the only animals which resemble men in their behavior?

Look, seeing that no one is looking, I'll expose one of my breasts 2 it & see how horny it gets just as men do.'

Mary then exposes one of her breasts, and, sure enough the gorilla gets excited and grabs the bars of the enclosure as if it wanted to break free.

'See,' says the woman, 'Now, I know why you react the way you do; men can't control their animal instincts just like gorillas can't.'

Says Mark: 'Now expose both breasts and let us see what happens.'

The woman exposes both breasts to the gorilla and it gets very excited and is now desperately trying to escape from the enclosure.

Says Mark: 'This is incredible, now, pull your skirt up, turn around and expose your bum and let us see what happens!'

The woman pulls her skirt up, turns around with her bum to the gorilla, which by now ,was extremely aroused, breaks free from the enclosure, grabs the woman and starts yanking the clothes off her.

The woman yells: 'Mark , what do I do now? Please, help me!'

Mark replies: 'Now, tell him you have a headache and you're not in mood ... Let us see if Gorillas and Men are the same

[NishC300 1,865]

An unemployed mechanic decides to open a clinic to make money.

The sign outside the clinic wrote "we cure everything for 50 pounds, if not cured we return you 100 pounds".

A doctor thought it was a good chance to earn 100 pounds so he goes in.

Doctor (as patient) - "Doctor I have lost my sense of taste".

Mechanic (as doctor) - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"

The doctor-patient almost vomits, spits the potion and says "that's no medicine - it's machine oil".

Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your sense of taste has returned, 50 pounds please".

The doctor pays up and leaves most displeased but a few days later he decides to try again to get his money back.

Doctor-patient - "Doctor I have lost my memory, I can't remember a thing, please help me".

Mechanic-doctor - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"

Doctor-patient - "Hey, potion 22 is the machine oil, it's not a medicine".

Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your memory has returned, that 'll be 50 pounds".

The doctor leaves the premises again in a state of fury but in a couple of days he decides to go again and have the last word:

Doctor-patient - "Doctor my vision is impaired, I cannot see".

Mechanic-doctor - "I am very sorry sir, I 'm afraid I can't cure this, but take these 100 pounds"

Doctor-patient - "But this is a 50 pound note you are giving me".

Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations my friend, your sight too has returned, give me 50 pounds please".

Love this joke. My mother often gets sent these jokes by relatives and friends on her WhatsApp and shows them to me (yes a teenager like me doesn't have a WhatsApp but my mother does ;p)

ok here's one (translating it from Hindi and it also included some references to Indians coming from certain states in India [indian users will understand] so I'll instead use other nationalities ,and currencies, as a rough equivalent)

____________________________________________________________________________________

A (insert nationality) sees two notes on the street, a $5 one and a $10 one.

Which one should he pick up?

Idiot, a Jew would have picked both of them up! ;p

(In Hindi it was a Gujarati which is a name for people in India who come from the state of Gujarat)

[Unionjack 7,531]

Love this joke. My mother often gets sent these jokes by relatives and friends on her WhatsApp and shows them to me (yes a teenager like me doesn't have a WhatsApp but my mother does ;p)

ok here's one (translating it from Hindi and it also included some references to Indians coming from certain states in India [indian users will understand] so I'll instead use other nationalities ,and currencies, as a rough equivalent)

____________________________________________________________________________________

A (insert nationality) sees two notes on the street, a $5 one and a $10 one.

Which one should he pick up?

Idiot, a Jew would have picked both of them up! ;p

(In Hindi it was a Gujarati which is a name for people in India who come from the state of Gujarat)

I go over to India alot mate so I understand a bit of how the different states get on (or dont get on lol)

Me - Id have picked them both up too. Ive lost so much money and have never found a penny so I'd have thought all my birthdays had come at once!

[cosmicway 1,333]

I go over to India alot mate so I understand a bit of how the different states get on (or dont get on lol)

Me - Id have picked them both up too. Ive lost so much money and have never found a penny so I'd have thought all my birthdays had come at once!

I was in a crossroads once and spotted a 20 drachma coin.

It was across the road and midway between where I stood and the next crossroads. 60 meters distance.

A friend of mine also spotted it and the position where he stood was the next crossroads !

Some sharp sight both of us !

It was six o' clock in the morning so only the two of us around.

We dash, I try to step on it with my foot, he tries to nail it with his umbrella.

I offered a split, but he was unhappy - he called it unfair.

[Unionjack 7,531]

I was in a crossroads once and spotted a 20 drachma coin.

It was across the road and midway between where I stood and the next crossroads. 60 meters distance.

A friend of mine also spotted it and the position where he stood was the next crossroads !

Some sharp sight both of us !

It was six o' clock in the morning so only the two of us around.

We dash, I try to step on it with my foot, he tries to nail it with his umbrella.

I offered a split, but he was unhappy - he called it unfair.

So up at 6am arguing over a 20 drachma coin. Thats either got to make you pissed and just leaving a club, a homeless a crackhead beggar or tighter than a Scotsmans arse!

Or I'm really sorry and I totally missed something in the translation mate. isn't that like 4p?

[cosmicway 1,333]

So up at 6am arguing over a 20 drachma coin. Thats either got to make you pissed and just leaving a club, a homeless a crackhead beggar or tighter than a Scotsmans arse!

Or I'm really sorry and I totally missed something in the translation mate. isn't that like 4p?

't was back in the 90s, we had drachma. Can't remember the exact conversion rates. Maybe it was 60 dr one pack of fags back then - maybe not. The other one was known to me, a race goer like myself and it was strange we collided with each other like that.

[cosmicway 1,333]

This one is about the gluttony of some people.

I hope it makes sense to you.

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There was an Irishman once called Seamus and he went to the Vatican as a pilgrim.
He visited Saint Peters, went around to see the other spectacular places and he also went to a church to pray.
In the church he chances upon a cardinal, whom we call cardinal Gerrard and they started chatting with one another.

The cardinal got to like the Irish fellow, so he says to him "my friend I will confide to you a great secret, the pope has died".
But ... Seamus says, I know he was ill but died ? Why was it not announced ?

The cardinal replies "yes, I know but we have bitter disagreements in the college of cardinals - what is happening is we are holding negotiations and when we reach an agreement by the end of the week, we will make the announcement and we will elect the new one".
The cardinal continues "I know there is a bet on and the trouble is my position does not allow me to bet myself", "because you look an honest man I gave you the information - you place the bets for the day pope dies which will be on Saturday as per the agreement and we split the loot".
Seamus replies "it's a deal".

The days pass, Vatican does indeed announce the death of the pope and our cardinal proceeds to phone Ireland to claim his share. He does that, but no reply, several times. He tries again and finally a trembling woman's voice replies.
Hello says the cardinal, is that mrs Seamus, I 'm the cardinal.
Mrs Seamus when hearing this bursts into tears "oh it's you cardinal, my Seamus, my poor Seamus, he is in hospital with sedatives, tubes all over his body, oh my poor Seamus".
Yes I understand that, replies the cardinal but what about the bet on the pope's day of death ? Was it placed properly ?
To which the mrs replies amidst tears "yes your eminence, but he made it into a double with Real Madrid v. Celta Vigo and they drew" !

[Unionjack 7,531]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting 13…..13……13…..13
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on……….

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting 14……14…..14…..14