Joke Thread

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Heard this from a stand up comedian and thought it was brilliant:

"The bonuses that bankers got after the economic crisis is like Ben Laden getting air miles for the 9/11!"

[Victor Von Doom 258]

"Santa: what do you want for Xmas?
Liverpool fan: I want a Dragon.
Santa: Come on be realistic.
Liverpool fan: ok, I want Liverpool to win the league.
Santa: What colour dragon do you want?"

LOL

[BlueLion. 21,491]

My best mate is a huge Derby fan so I sent him this this morning:

"If you're looking for bargain deals this Christmas, look no further than this!

We have a special offer on Derby getting dumped out of the Cup for a SECOND TIME by Chelsea in 2014 - you can buy one, get 1-3!"

[Special Juan 28,141]

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One looks ashamed. His friend asks him what's wrong. He says, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."

[babu 261]

Three robbers break into a bank, but

when they open the safe, they find only

boxes. One robber opens a box and

finds cups full of yogurt.

"We didn't find any money, but we got

something to eat," he tells his partners.

They eat their fill and leave.

The next morning's newspaper headline

reads, "World's Largest Sperm Bank

Robbed."

[babu 261]

Old but funny.

[cosmicway 1,333]

In the middle of an eerie snowing night a man decides to go through a graveyard to reach his house quicker.
As he walks he hears a repeating "tik-tok-tak-tik-tok-tak" sound and begins to tremble from fear.
Suddenly he sees a character infront of him scrabbling with something on a tombstone.

- Wh.. what are you doing there ? he asks fearfully.
- What can I say to you mate, the other one replies. Those idiots spelled my name wrong !

[Special Juan 28,141]

I got fired today from the pasta factory. On reflection I have made a fusilli mistakes.

[cosmicway 1,333]

- I have bad news for your mother.

- It's my mother in law, doctor.

- Then I have good news.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

- Son, you're a terrible mime.

- Is it something I said?

-Yes!

[Unionjack 7,531]

Not that I necessarily agree with it of course but.....

[Unionjack 7,531]

SCHOOL - 1950s v 2014


Scenario :
Johnny and Mark get into a fight after school.

1950s - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up
best friends.

2014 - Police called, and they arrest Johnny and Mark & charge them with
assault.
Both expelled even though Johnny started it.
Both children go to anger management programmes for 3 months.
School governors hold meeting to implement bullying prevention programmes.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Robbie won't be still in class, disrupts other students.

1950s - Robbie sent to the office and given six of the best by the
Principal.
Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.

2014 - Robbie given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADHD
- result deemed to be positive. Robbie's parents get fortnightly disability
payments and school gets extra funding from government because Robbie has a
disability.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Billy breaks a window in his neighbour's car and his Dad gives him a
whipping with his belt.

1950s - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college,
and becomes a successful businessman.

2014 - Billy's dad is arrested for child abuse. Billy removed to foster
care; joins a gang; ends up in jail.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Mark gets a headache and takes some Aspirin to school.

1950s - Mark gets glass of water from Principal to take aspirin with, Passes
exams & becomes a solicitor.

2014 - Police called, car searched for drugs and weapons.
Mark expelled from school for drug taking. Ends up as a drop out.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny takes apart leftover fireworks from Guy Fawkes night, puts them in a
paint tin & blows up a wasp's nest.

1950s - Wasps die.

2014- Police & Anti-Terrorism Squad called. Johnny charged with domestic
terrorism, investigate parents, siblings removed from home, computers
confiscated.
Johnny's Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly in an
aeroplane again.

--------------------------

Scenario :
Johnny falls over while playing football during morning break and scrapes
his knee.
He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. She hugs him to comfort him.

1950s - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing football.
No damage done.

2014 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She
faces 3 years in prison.
Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy and ends up gay.

Two boys are playing football in a park in London when one of them is attacked by a rottweiler.
Thinking quickly, his friend rips a plank of wood from a fence, forces it into the dog's collar and twists it, breaking the dog's neck.
All the while, a newspaper reporter who was taking a stroll through the park is watching.
He rushes over, introduces himself and takes out his pad and pencil to start his story for the next edition. He writes, "Spurs fan saves friend from vicious animal."
The boy interrupts: "But I'm not a Spurs fan."
The reporter starts again: "QPR fan saves friend from horrific attack."
The boy interrupts again: "I'm not a Rangers fan either."
The reporter asks: "Who do you support, then?"
"Chelsea," replies the boy.
So the reporter starts again: "Chelsea git kills family pet"

The benefits of getting old:

Old Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?
Old Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

When you are over sixty who gives a shit............

***********

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and
sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"
I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night. She said,
"If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your
hair cut, you'd look all right."
I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over
there instead of you."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********

I was telling a girl in the pub about my ability to guess
what day a woman was born just by feeling her boobs.
"Really" she said, "Go on then...try."
After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose
patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?"
I said, "Yesterday."
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********



I got caught taking a pee in the local swimming pool today.
The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

***********

I went to the pub last night and saw a fat chick dancing
on a table. I said, "Nice legs."
The girl giggled and said with a smile, "Do you really
think so."
I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed
by now." When you are over sixty who gives a shit?

. I made my girlfriends dreams come true and married her in a
castle.
. You wouldn't have thought it though, from the miserable look on
her face as we were bouncing around!




. After having sex with Kylie Minogue yesterday I think there are 2
things you all need to know. She really is as sexy as hell, secondly the
staff at Madam Tussauds are miserable bastards with no sense of humour!!




. Said to my mate today "Why you looking so happy?" he said " The
missus had one of those procedures done at hospital today that would put a
smile on the face of any bloke" .. I said " What a breast enlargement?" he
replied " No a post mortem!"




. Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after
looking through her knicker drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French
maids outfit, and a police woman's uniform, he finally decided if she can't
hold down a job, she's not for him




. After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to
find that the Titanic's swimming pool was still full.

[babu 261]

A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway when he notices a sign out of the corner of his eye. It reads:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

10 MILES

He thinks it was just a figment of his imagination and drives on without a second thought. Soon he sees another sign which says:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

5 MILES

Suddenly, he begins to realize that these signs are for real. Then he drives past a third sign saying:

SISTERS OF ST, NORTON

HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION

NEXT RIGHT

His curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive. On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading:

SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

He climbs the steps and rings the bell. The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks,

"What may we do for you, my son?"

He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing business."

"Very well, my son. Please follow me."

He is led through many winding passages and is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man,

"Please knock on this door."

He does as he is told and this door is answered by another nun in long habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs,

"Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."

He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign:

GO IN PEACE

YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED

BY THE SISTERS OF ST. NORTON

[illmatic 901]

Discution with a random women.

- Sweetie, when we will go to gym?.

* Are you calling me fat?.

- Ok, If you dont want, no!.

* You're calling me weak?

- No! when I said that?.

* Oh, Now, I am a liar?

- No! Don't get mad ,dear.

* Oh, are you calling me hysteric?.

- No!! Forget that, I will go alone.

* Wait, wait ¿why you want go alone?.

[babu 261]

For the final test, the FBI agent took the first male applicant to a large, metal door and handed him a gun.The agent said,

We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!

The man said, You cant be serious! I could never shoot my wife!

The agent said, Then youre not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home.

The second male applicant was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. The man came out with tears in his eyes, I tried, but I cant kill my wife. The agent said, You dont have what it takes. Take your wife and go home.

Finally, it was the female applicants turn. She was given the same instructions- to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow. This gun is loaded with blanks she said. I had to beat him to death with the chair.

____

A man was wandering through the desert, tired from his travels but kept traveling. Until suddenly he came across a lamp, taking his chances he rubbed it, to his surprise a genie appears.

"What does this mean strange creature? Do the fairytales hold true? Do I get 3 wishes?" asked the man

"Yes" replied the genie

"But I am not like other genies, my rule is that everything you get, the one you share your life with get's double"

"So my wife gets double what I wish for?"

"Yes" answered the genie

"Okay, for my first wish, I ask for a land's worth of gold" said the man

"So it is done, your wife gets twice" said the genie

"For my second wish, I want a mansion that goes on for acres"

"Agreed, and your wife gets two, what is your final wish?"

"Now this is important, I wish to be beaten half to death" asked the man

"Uhhh, okay? That means that your wife..."

[Fulham Broadway 17,330]

I was fucking my new girlfriend up the arse, banging away with her tits swinging below.

She looked over her shoulder with those big doe eyes and said "wow, youre really good at this!"

"Thanks, uh, yeah, uh, uh, uh,"

She then said "Bit of a player then eh?"

"Not really," I said, "but Ive been in prison for a long time"

[cosmicway 1,333]

An unemployed mechanic decides to open a clinic to make money.

The sign outside the clinic wrote "we cure everything for 50 pounds, if not cured we return you 100 pounds".

A doctor thought it was a good chance to earn 100 pounds so he goes in.

Doctor (as patient) - "Doctor I have lost my sense of taste".
Mechanic (as doctor) - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"
The doctor-patient almost vomits, spits the potion and says "that's no medicine - it's machine oil".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your sense of taste has returned, 50 pounds please".

The doctor pays up and leaves most displeased but a few days later he decides to try again to get his money back.

Doctor-patient - "Doctor I have lost my memory, I can't remember a thing, please help me".
Mechanic-doctor - "Nurse please bring potion no 22 and give this patient a spoonful"
Doctor-patient - "Hey, potion 22 is the machine oil, it's not a medicine".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations, your memory has returned, that 'll be 50 pounds".

The doctor leaves the premises again in a state of fury but in a couple of days he decides to go again and have the last word:

Doctor-patient - "Doctor my vision is impaired, I cannot see".
Mechanic-doctor - "I am very sorry sir, I 'm afraid I can't cure this, but take these 100 pounds"
Doctor-patient - "But this is a 50 pound note you are giving me".
Mechanic-doctor - "Congratulations my friend, your sight too has returned, give me 50 pounds please".

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Nicked off twitter:

Some of my mates are opticians. That's right, I've got friends in eye places

[babu 261]

Short Jokes.

a guy goes to the doc for a checkup. doc tells him he got gangarene(sp!) and has to be admitted at the hospital. the doc at the hospital sez the only thin they can do for gangarene is to amputate.

after the op the doc comes to the man and says i got good news and bad news. the guy asks for the bad news first.

the doc says "we cut off the wrong leg." he asks "whats the good news?"

DOC says " You DONT got gangarene>_<"

____

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie.""You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

_____

Innkeeper: The room is $15. a night. It's $5. if you make your own bed.

Guest: I'll make my own bed.

Innkeeper: Good. I'll get you some nails and wood.

____

The positive thinking poem.

* Little birdy in the sky,

* You look up and it shits in your eye.

* You don't mind and you don't cry,

* You just thank God that cows don't fly!