BlueLion.

I don't fuck about.

Andre Schurrle scored a sixteen-minute hat-trick to hand Chelsea a comfortable London derby win over struggling Fulham - at the same time as extending their Premier League lead to four points. With supposed title chasers Arsenal succumbing to a surprise loss at Stoke City, the stage has been set for a late surge to the league championship as José Mourinho's men moved clear of their London rivals thanks to Schurrle's treble. The German winger cut a peripheral figure in a disappointing first half, but it was through his explosive combination play with Belgian magician Eden Hazard that the Blues were able to overcome a stoic, determined Fulham side that was looking to impress on new manager Felix Magath's home bow. Schurrle's first came just seven minutes after the interval as he clinically slotted beyond the advancing Martin Stekelenburg, and he again showed conviction just after the hour mark to double Chelsea's lead. Petr Cech's hoof upfield was then neatly flicked on by the industrious Fernando Torres, allowing Schurrle to smartly finish to complete his impressive treble - and whilst Fulham did pull back a consolation goal that their first half showing had warranted, the Blues' magnificent performance after the break will leave few in doubt of their serious title credentials. The result is all the more impressive after a below-par performance prior to the break, with many players seemingly struggling from the typical hangover following the cross-continental trip to Istanbul for Wednesday's draw with Galatasaray. But through that explosion of dynamism from the German international and fellow midfield man Hazard, the Blues now entertain a four-point lead over Arsenal, who may slip down to third should Liverpool overcome Southampton this evening. With Manchester City taking part in the Capital One Cup final at Wembley tomorrow, they will resume Premier League commitments under extreme pressure, needing to win their brace of games in hand. The one blot on Mourinho's copybook will be John Heitinga's late consolation to deny Petr Cech the clean sheet that would have put him in the lead of the race for the Premier League golden gloves, but the ease and speed with which the Blues moved through the gears this afternoon will please the Portuguese, no doubt. In a lacklustre first half, the best the Blues could conjure was a Fernando Torres that Stekelenburg fabulously saved late on. After a couple of terrible clearances, the Dutch keeper had looked shaky, but that save at least allowed his side to enter level at the break. The best the hosts could conjure was a half-chance for former Blues midfielder Steve Sidwell, but he volleyed well over at the back post. Whatever Mourinho said to his players during the break certainly fired them up, with Schurrle at the heart of everything good about the Blues' much-improved second half showing. The former Bayer Leverkusen man first saw a looping effort deflected over in the half's opening exchanges, but he was not left waiting long in his attempts to find the breakthrough. A delightful surge and reverse pass by Hazard opened up the space for the German to exploit, and his cultured finish beyond Stekelenburg was the goal the Blues' impressive start to the half merited. Hazard then took centre stage as he first teed up Torres with an incredible rabona-style cross, only for the Spaniard's effort to be deflected wide. Unperturbed, the Belgian continued to threaten and recorded his second assist of the afternoon with a gorgeous slide-rule pass that enabled Schurrle to finish with aplomb. Just four minutes later, the hard-working Torres - unfortunate not to have scored, having produced one stunning save and seeing another effort somehow deflected wide - flicked on Petr Cech's goalkick, allowing Schurrle to complete his hat-trick with consummate ease. Fulham managed to make the scoreline look a shade more respectable in the glorious West London sunshine when Heitinga converted his first for the club from Darren Bent's cut-back, but that goal failed to take the gloss off of an important win for Mourinho's men. Next up for Chelsea is the small matter of another London derby clash, this time at home against Tim Sherwood's resurgent Tottenham. With no home league win over Spurs since 2011, Mourinho will know that with the stakes higher than ever, another three points is a must as the Blues juggernaut ominously rumbles on.

He has been dire since scoring that hat-trick.

Luiz in the midfield would win us this game. We need someone to motherfuckin' dribble with the ball.

Stekelenburg has been our best player.

Name: PuntersAdvice Reason: Advertising Punishment: Content moderated permanentlyAbility to create content removed permanently.Suspended permanently Also move to Banned

Well this has been exciting.

Haha cheers, the Hilario one was the best one haha!

It's his first season. People should be more realistic. If they want more attacking output then they can go and buy Bale and Messi on their FIFA careers.

If people want him to score more goals, that's fine. Let's let him play like Mata, and compromise our defensive rigidity and end up 6th and 3rd in the league for the next two seasons.

Name: Steve Reason: General Cuntishness Punishment: Anal probing Also move to Banned Content moderated permanentlyAbility to create content removed permanently.Suspended permanently

WE WILL WIN !!! HAHAHAHA BASTARD!

The other two were better, but it is refreshing to take a humorous slant instead of being serious writing "articles" all the time. Makes writing just a bit more enjoyable.

BULLSHIT, we won't win!

Sorry but we won't win today. I'm going out for a meal with the family, we never win when that happens. Sorry!

Never ever going to beat the first one though!

My Two-And-A-Half Cents is a column written by TalkChelsea administrator Alex Hinsley. A satirical look at happenings surrounding Chelsea Football Club, it must be stated that any views stated in this column are most definitely my own, and in no way reflect upon TalkChelsea.net, Chelsea FC, or any affiliates. Blues venture into beverage industry suffers set-back! Chelsea FC's ambitious move into the food and beverage industry suffered a major blow this morning as British mega-conglomerate Whitbread announced it's highly successful Costa Coffee chain had agreed a new contract with Spanish side Atletico Madrid. The Blues' high profile chase of Costa has been ongoing since the summer, but it would appear that José Mourinho's men will now have to splash out upwards of £40 million to secure the coffee brand's rights in the next transfer window. The Blues' hopes of adding the Costa brand to their ranks have suffered a big blow. _______________________________ Elsewhere, the Blues have revealed a link with the world's most famous cartoon family - the Simpsons. The iconic series - now in it's 26th season - will feature Blues players Fernando Torres, Frank Lampard, Petr Cech, Eden Hazard and John Terry. Mere logic disctates that the most obvious storyline the show might follow could see the witless Homer Simpson become the new Blues boss - and after a series of sub-standard results, Terry takes his revenge by bedding Homer's wife, Marge. How the Chelsea-related episode may pan out. _______________________________ Matic turned away at Stansted Chelsea's midfield destroyer Nemanja Matic was banned from flying on the club's flight to Istanbul for the midweek game against Galatasaray. Airport officials prohibited the crazy Serbian from joining his team-mates after he stepped through the terminal's metal detectors. Thankfully, having played in the Champions League for Benfica already this season, the Blues' number 21 was cup-tied anyway, meaning he couldn't play. That ruling is something that seems to have gone straight over the heads of some seriously retarded Manchester United fans, who are calling for David Moyes' head after the former Everton boss didn't play (the also cup-tied) Juan Mata against Olympiakos. It would seem that Moyes and United is a match made in heaven. _______________________________ In other news... Elsewhere in the world of football, Cardiff City Chinese Dragons FC's megalomaniac owner Vincent Tan feels he has been bastardised by the British media. Tan feels that after sacking the incredibly popular Malky McKay and replacing him with a bloke who has looked about 15 years old for the past three decades, as well as putting the club up for sale in 2007, 2008, 2009, 2010 and 2011 - AND changing the club's crest and kit colour from blue to red - that he has been harshly treated. He also feels as if he has been made to look like a villain by the press, joining a long list of seriously misunderstood nice-guys like Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin and Emperor Palpatine. Tan wants the fans who oppose him to apologise. Good luck. As well as that, Tottenham Hotspur caused ructions in European football with (what their fans are saying is) one of the greatest ever comebacks to beat Dnipro Dnipropetrovsk 3-2 on aggregate, having been 0-2 down. If you haven't heard of them, they're a small team from London. The DVD should be released imminently. Click here to view the article

Cheating bastard who's now cheated to get two players sent off this season - last night, and Torres in the 1-1 at WHL earlier in the season. Fully deserved this;

You have to give some credit to him - I was sure he'd miss

I know there's no chance of it, but I really wish we'd keep our home kit for another season. It's fucking gorgeous.

The day he retires will be harder than seeing Drogba go...

I don't hate Mikel. I quite like him. But after 8 years of trying to defend him, I've given up and realised he is moreorless useless in any game unless your opponents don't press high up the pitch, which means he can sit back, let the full-backs and midfielders bomb forward and he'll act as a third centre back. The thing is Matic does that twice as well and constitutes an attacking threat. Mikel has been consigned to the "spare parts" bin.

http://www.chelseafc.com/news-article/article/3585935/title/its-lampards-goal-at-sunderland Seven.