Joke Thread

[CHOULO19 24,332]

For some reason I've been in the mood for one liner jokes a lot recently. This is Stewart Francis probably at his best:

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."

Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar.

"You may say another two words Brother Baku."

"Cold Food." said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed 2-words.

"I Quit." said Brother Baku.

"It is probably best." said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here.....

 

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week
hunting moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said that the
plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot six. The
pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, and the plane
took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick managed to
survive the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where
we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .  she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :

 

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"

[Fulham Broadway 16,841]

Mate lent me a porno DVD, but it was fucking rubbish - all it seemed to be was this sort of greyed out image of a bloke with his cock in his hand.

Then I realised I hadn't switched on the TV

[Special Juan 27,424]

Bloke started work as a taxi driver last week, his passenger was in the back and he tapped the driver on the shoulder...

Taxi Driver "Fucking hell man what the fuck you playing at you scared the shit out of me"

Passenger "What, I only tapped you on the shoulder"

Taxi Driver "Yes but I have been a hearse driver for 20 years"

[Unionjack 7,531]

14 minutes ago, Special Juan said:

Bloke started work as a taxi driver last week, his passenger was in the back and he tapped the driver on the shoulder...

Taxi Driver "Fucking hell man what the fuck you playing at you scared the shit out of me"

Passenger "What, I only tapped you on the shoulder"

Taxi Driver "Yes but I have been a hearse driver for 20 years"

Excellent. Cant remember what prog on telly I heard it this week.

[Special Juan 27,424]

Paddy and Murphy sat in a pub, Paddy is doing the crossword, Murphy looks over his shoulder and says "7 up is Lemonade"

[Unionjack 7,531]

Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

[Unionjack 7,531]

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$. 3000!” she cried, “$. 3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $3000 

 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!
 

[the wes 7,212]

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

C'mon guys. We need to start posting in all areas of the site.

And tis the season to be jolly!

Policeman on a horse says to little girl on a bike "did santa get you that?" Yes " replies the little girl.  Copper then says "well tell Santa to put a reflector on it next year" and fined her £5.
 
The little girl looked up at the policeman and said "nice horse you've got there - did santa bring you that?"  The copper chuckles and repiles "he sure did!"

Well," said the little girl "next year ask santa if all UK police horses are hermaphroditic with a dick underneath and a cunt on top.   

A British MP was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the MP who was a total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the MP. "How about global warming, universal health care , or Brexit?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer shits little hard pellets, while a cow turns out a flat soft patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the European economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book

 

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the air show every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd give anything to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

Last year Buddy and Edna went to the show as usual with Buddy saying 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Look folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't make one sound I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's £50 EACH'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a dickie bird...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'Mate, I gotta say that did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm well impressed!'

Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, £50 is £50!'

 

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous blond woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of drinking and getting courage he finally goes over to her and asks, feebly, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "Look, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a psychology student at Cambridge University and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean you like it up the arse?"

 

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

 

 

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

 

Even without having had children I could just imagine this scene happening

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "ARE YOU CALLIN' ME A HORSES'S ASS?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Vesper 28,801]

[Vesper 28,801]

[Unionjack 7,531]

9 minutes ago, Vesper said:

Merry Xmas eve Mrs

[Vesper 28,801]

9 minutes ago, Unionjack said:

Merry Xmas eve Mrs

[Unionjack 7,531]

10 minutes ago, Vesper said:

Oldie but goodie

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

Lick alota puss!

[Vesper 28,801]

6 minutes ago, Unionjack said:

Oldie but goodie

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?

 

Lick alota puss!

puss in Swedish means