Billy. 2,742 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 (edited) not worth it Edited August 8, 2015 by Billy. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 8, 2015 Share Posted August 8, 2015 not worth it I dont get the punchline. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Vincent 403 Posted August 10, 2015 Share Posted August 10, 2015 For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes."All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back."Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front. Chelsea? 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes."All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back."Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front. iseah100 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 12, 2015 Share Posted August 12, 2015 Nymphomaniac ConventionA man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, andtaking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boardingthe plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo -she took the seat right beside him."Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annualnymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sittingnext to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your businessrole at this convention?""Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of thepopular myths about sexuality..""Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?""Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men arethe most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who ismost likely to possess that trait.Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actuallyit is the men of Greek descent...We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are theIrish."Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said."I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know yourname!""Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy." cosmicway 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 14, 2015 Share Posted August 14, 2015 FEMALE ‘COMPLIMENTS’….She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's backShe's got a face like a horse in a huffHad more hands up her than sooty!Shes got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle.It looks like she's been set on fire and put outwith a golf shoe!She's got a face that could make an onion cry.I wouldn't ride her into battle.She smells like an alkies carpetshe has seen more japseyes than an oriental opticianIt's like shaggin a pale of water.fanny like a ripped out fireplaceFace like a sand blasted tomatoArse like a bag of washingshe's seen more helmets than Hitlerface like a stuntman's kneeI left her with a face like a painter's radioFanny like a clowns pocketFanny like a wizards sleeveFanny like a Hippo's yawnShe's that ugly not even a sniper would take her outShe's got a fanny like a pub carpetFace like a blind joiners thumbShes done more lengths than Duncan GoodhewShe's been shot over more times than SarajevoEven the tide wouldn't take her outGot more finger prints on her than Scotland YardShes handled more balls than Dino ZoffPiss flaps like John Waynes saddle bagsShe had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted troutA face like she's been ram raiding on scootersShes seen more stiffs than Quincy!Critical Thinking At Its Best!Woman Do you drink beer?Man:YesWoman:How many beers a day?Man:Usually about 3Woman:How much do you pay per beer?Man: $5.00 which includes a tipWoman:And how long have you been drinking?Man:About 20 years, I supposeWoman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?Man:CorrectWoman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?Man:CorrectWoman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?Man:Do you drink beer?Woman:NoMan:Where's your Ferrari? termninja 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Doonican 4,186 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Voted top joke at the Edinburgh FestivalUmbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Voted top joke at the Edinburgh FestivalUmbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing itDont have 1 Umbro trackie top but am partial to a old original one. I know you like one/Couple of weeks ago my Mrs comes home and said got you a prezzie. 2 old Fila ones. 1st one was in Brazil colors. 2nd was Citeh!! She couldnt understand why my jaw dopped. Bless her she took it back and swapped it for a old White Ellesse tracksuit. One of those you wear it once and needs washing. Shame I dont do any sports but a nice pose Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
xPetrCechx 13,572 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Our Defence?... Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Doonican 4,186 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Dont have 1 Umbro trackie top but am partial to a old original one. I know you like one/Couple of weeks ago my Mrs comes home and said got you a prezzie. 2 old Fila ones. 1st one was in Brazil colors. 2nd was Citeh!! She couldnt understand why my jaw dopped. Bless her she took it back and swapped it for a old White Ellesse tracksuit. One of those you wear it once and needs washing. Shame I dont do any sports but a nice pose Still got the Chelsea away RED ha ha top from 1977 umbro with a number 9 stitched on the back by my mum. I'll have to try and post it. But never bought umbro casual gear U.J. Fila, Ellesse yes. Still wear lacoste etc but i'm more into mod gear these days, Merc, Gabicci, David Watts, and of course Fred Perry. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Still got the Chelsea away RED ha ha top from 1977 umbro with a number 9 stitched on the back by my mum. I'll have to try and post it. But never bought umbro casual gear U.J. Fila, Ellesse yes. Still wear lacoste etc but i'm more into mod gear these days, Merc, Gabicci, David Watts, and of course Fred Perry.Nice. Im much more into original 60s/70s mod/hippyish mix. Nice fitted paisly shirt with a long pointed or jumbo collar. Really into bowling shirts right now, theres great vintage shops around. But then if you open my drawers youll see a rainbow of Lacoste polos lolYou cant beat us London lads for style. I stayed up in Mancs fri-mon and theyve got no taste, All some wanted to do was take the shirt off me back. They just cant get the gear haha Iggy Doonican 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Doonican 4,186 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Nice. Im much more into original 60s/70s mod/hippyish mix. Nice fitted paisly shirt with a long pointed or jumbo collar. Really into bowling shirts right now, theres great vintage shops around. But then if you open my drawers youll see a rainbow of Lacoste polos lolYou cant beat us London lads for style. I stayed up in Mancs fri-mon and theyve got no taste, All some wanted to do was take the shirt off me back. They just cant get the gear hahaAnother reason to hate Scousers mate. All the gear they nicked while playing abroad in the late 70's early 80's the adage you can't polish a turd was never so apt. They'd come to the Bridge or if you went to Anfield and to a man you could tell the gear was nicked cos it never fitted them rat boys in Armani. Unionjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted August 17, 2015 Share Posted August 17, 2015 Another reason to hate Scousers mate. All the gear they nicked while playing abroad in the late 70's early 80's the adage you can't polish a turd was never so apt. They'd come to the Bridge or if you went to Anfield and to a man you could tell the gear was nicked cos it never fitted them rat boys in Armani.Would have loved to have been around then. Ive had all the stories from me uncle tho. Sounded like fun times. Cant understand why they only flash mobbed clothes shops tho. Everyone shudda been blinged up. I know the Hibs lot did a few. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Iggy Doonican 4,186 Posted August 31, 2015 Share Posted August 31, 2015 I was talking to this bloke in the pub last night i said to him '' Who do you support mate?''. Arsenal he replied, I said Sorry. He said again Arsenal, I said '' I heard you mate i'm just sorry.'' Unionjack 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Unionjack 7,531 Posted September 1, 2015 Share Posted September 1, 2015 RETIRED HUSBANDAfter my neighbor retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.Yesterday his wife received the following letter from the local Target:Dear Mrs. Harris,Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'theme.12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?And last, but not least:16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.Oh come on lads we have all done shit like these - HAVEN'T WE??? Billy. and termninja 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Special Juan 28,141 Posted September 25, 2015 Share Posted September 25, 2015 Just rang David Cameron, couldn't hear much, too much crackling on his end. Iggy Doonican 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
CHOULO19 24,332 Posted October 5, 2015 Share Posted October 5, 2015 Someone give this guy a medal! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapo Blues 21 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapo Blues 21 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the crocodile in the bar. He makes customers wonder."I'll make a deal. I'll open the crocodile's mouth and put my cock inside. Then the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. Then he will prove that after that his cock would be unscathed. To see and witness this spectacle, every one here is going to buy him a drink. "The crowd at the bar was murmured in agreement. He was standing at the bar, pull down his pants and put his cock in the open mouth of a crocodile. Crocodile closed his mouth and made the crowd gasp. After one minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and knocked alligator hard on the top of his head. Crocodile opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and he got a free drink.The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $ 100 who is willing to try ..."A silence ensued in the crowd of the bar. After a while, no one raised a hand behind the bar.Suddenly, a blonde woman slowly walked towards and spoke,"I'll try, but you must promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle …" Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lapo Blues 21 Posted October 23, 2015 Share Posted October 23, 2015 Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his dick after his mistress found the ring in his trouser pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleepI don't know what's worse:1) Having your mistress find out you're married.2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your dick3) Or finding out your dick fits through your wedding ring. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.
Note: Your post will require moderator approval before it will be visible.