Joke Thread

[Unionjack 7,531]

I was in a crossroads once and spotted a 20 drachma coin.

It was across the road and midway between where I stood and the next crossroads. 60 meters distance.

A friend of mine also spotted it and the position where he stood was the next crossroads !

Some sharp sight both of us !

It was six o' clock in the morning so only the two of us around.

We dash, I try to step on it with my foot, he tries to nail it with his umbrella.

I offered a split, but he was unhappy - he called it unfair.

So up at 6am arguing over a 20 drachma coin. Thats either got to make you pissed and just leaving a club, a homeless a crackhead beggar or tighter than a Scotsmans arse!

Or I'm really sorry and I totally missed something in the translation mate. isn't that like 4p?

[cosmicway 1,323]

So up at 6am arguing over a 20 drachma coin. Thats either got to make you pissed and just leaving a club, a homeless a crackhead beggar or tighter than a Scotsmans arse!

Or I'm really sorry and I totally missed something in the translation mate. isn't that like 4p?

't was back in the 90s, we had drachma. Can't remember the exact conversion rates. Maybe it was 60 dr one pack of fags back then - maybe not. The other one was known to me, a race goer like myself and it was strange we collided with each other like that.

[cosmicway 1,323]

This one is about the gluttony of some people.

I hope it makes sense to you.

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There was an Irishman once called Seamus and he went to the Vatican as a pilgrim.
He visited Saint Peters, went around to see the other spectacular places and he also went to a church to pray.
In the church he chances upon a cardinal, whom we call cardinal Gerrard and they started chatting with one another.

The cardinal got to like the Irish fellow, so he says to him "my friend I will confide to you a great secret, the pope has died".
But ... Seamus says, I know he was ill but died ? Why was it not announced ?

The cardinal replies "yes, I know but we have bitter disagreements in the college of cardinals - what is happening is we are holding negotiations and when we reach an agreement by the end of the week, we will make the announcement and we will elect the new one".
The cardinal continues "I know there is a bet on and the trouble is my position does not allow me to bet myself", "because you look an honest man I gave you the information - you place the bets for the day pope dies which will be on Saturday as per the agreement and we split the loot".
Seamus replies "it's a deal".

The days pass, Vatican does indeed announce the death of the pope and our cardinal proceeds to phone Ireland to claim his share. He does that, but no reply, several times. He tries again and finally a trembling woman's voice replies.
Hello says the cardinal, is that mrs Seamus, I 'm the cardinal.
Mrs Seamus when hearing this bursts into tears "oh it's you cardinal, my Seamus, my poor Seamus, he is in hospital with sedatives, tubes all over his body, oh my poor Seamus".
Yes I understand that, replies the cardinal but what about the bet on the pope's day of death ? Was it placed properly ?
To which the mrs replies amidst tears "yes your eminence, but he made it into a double with Real Madrid v. Celta Vigo and they drew" !

[Unionjack 7,531]

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and all the patients were shouting 13…..13……13…..13
The fence was too high to see over, but I saw a little gap in the planks, so I looked through to see what was going on……….

Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick. Then they all started shouting 14……14…..14…..14

[Billy. 2,742]

not worth it

Edited August 8, 2015 by Billy.

[Unionjack 7,531]

not worth it

I dont get the punchline.

[Vincent 402]

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

[Unionjack 7,531]

For a class project, a college professor asks all of his students to brainstorm and yell out different kinds of stereotypes.

"All blonde girls are dumb!" yells a boy in the back.

"Sony!" Yells the blonde girl in the front.

[Unionjack 7,531]

Nymphomaniac Convention

A man boarded an aircraft at London's Heathrow Airport for New York, and
taking his seat as he settled in, he noticed a very beautiful woman boarding
the plane. He realised she was heading straight toward his seat and bingo -
she took the seat right beside him.

"Hello", he blurted out, "Business trip or vacation?"

She turned, smiled enchantingly and said, "Business. I'm going to the annual
nymphomaniac convention in the United States ......."

He swallowed hard. Here was the most gorgeous woman he had ever seen sitting
next to him, and she was going to a meeting for nymphomaniacs!

Struggling to maintain his composure, he calmly asked, "What's your business
role at this convention?"

"Lecturer," she responded," I use my experience to debunk some of the
popular myths about sexuality.."

"Really", he smiled, "what myths are those?"

"Well," she explained, "one popular myth is that African-American men are
the most well endowed when, in fact, it's the Native American Indian who is
most likely to possess that trait.
Another popular myth is that French men are the best lovers, when actually
it is the men of Greek descent...
We have also found that the best potential lovers in all categories are the
Irish."

Suddenly the woman became uncomfortable and blushed. "I'm sorry," she said.
"I really shouldn't be discussing this with you, I don't even know your
name!"

"Tonto," the man said. "Tonto Papadopoulos, but my friends call me Paddy."

[Unionjack 7,531]

FEMALE ‘COMPLIMENTS’….

She had a fanny like a stab wound in a gorilla's back

She's got a face like a horse in a huff

Had more hands up her than sooty!

Shes got a face like a dog lickin piss off a nettle.

It looks like she's been set on fire and put out
with a golf shoe!

She's got a face that could make an onion cry.

I wouldn't ride her into battle.

She smells like an alkies carpet

she has seen more japseyes than an oriental optician

It's like shaggin a pale of water.

fanny like a ripped out fireplace

Face like a sand blasted tomato

Arse like a bag of washing

she's seen more helmets than Hitler

face like a stuntman's knee

I left her with a face like a painter's radio

Fanny like a clowns pocket

Fanny like a wizards sleeve

Fanny like a Hippo's yawn

She's that ugly not even a sniper would take her out

She's got a fanny like a pub carpet

Face like a blind joiners thumb

Shes done more lengths than Duncan Goodhew

She's been shot over more times than Sarajevo

Even the tide wouldn't take her out

Got more finger prints on her than Scotland Yard

Shes handled more balls than Dino Zoff

Piss flaps like John Waynes saddle bags

She had a pair of flaps on her like a gutted trout

A face like she's been ram raiding on scooters

Shes seen more stiffs than Quincy!


Critical Thinking At Its Best!

Woman Do you drink beer?

Man:Yes

Woman:How many beers a day?

Man:Usually about 3

Woman:How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip

Woman:And how long have you been drinking?

Man:About 20 years, I suppose

Woman:So a beer costs $5 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450. In one year, it would be approximately $5400 correct?

Man:Correct

Woman:If in 1 year you spend $5400, not accounting for inflation, the past20 years puts your spending at $108,000, correct?

Man:Correct

Woman:Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man:Do you drink beer?

Woman:No

Man:Where's your Ferrari?

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

Voted top joke at the Edinburgh Festival

Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it

[Unionjack 7,531]

Voted top joke at the Edinburgh Festival

Umbro is named after what your friends say to you if they see you wearing it

Dont have 1 Umbro trackie top but am partial to a old original one. I know you like one/

Couple of weeks ago my Mrs comes home and said got you a prezzie. 2 old Fila ones. 1st one was in Brazil colors. 2nd was Citeh!! She couldnt understand why my jaw dopped. Bless her she took it back and swapped it for a old White Ellesse tracksuit. One of those you wear it once and needs washing. Shame I dont do any sports but a nice pose

[xPetrCechx 13,563]

Our Defence?...

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

Dont have 1 Umbro trackie top but am partial to a old original one. I know you like one/

Couple of weeks ago my Mrs comes home and said got you a prezzie. 2 old Fila ones. 1st one was in Brazil colors. 2nd was Citeh!! She couldnt understand why my jaw dopped. Bless her she took it back and swapped it for a old White Ellesse tracksuit. One of those you wear it once and needs washing. Shame I dont do any sports but a nice pose

Still got the Chelsea away RED ha ha top from 1977 umbro with a number 9 stitched on the back by my mum. I'll have to try and post it. But never bought umbro casual gear U.J. Fila, Ellesse yes. Still wear lacoste etc but i'm more into mod gear these days, Merc, Gabicci, David Watts, and of course Fred Perry.

[Unionjack 7,531]

Still got the Chelsea away RED ha ha top from 1977 umbro with a number 9 stitched on the back by my mum. I'll have to try and post it. But never bought umbro casual gear U.J. Fila, Ellesse yes. Still wear lacoste etc but i'm more into mod gear these days, Merc, Gabicci, David Watts, and of course Fred Perry.

Nice. Im much more into original 60s/70s mod/hippyish mix. Nice fitted paisly shirt with a long pointed or jumbo collar. Really into bowling shirts right now, theres great vintage shops around. But then if you open my drawers youll see a rainbow of Lacoste polos lol

You cant beat us London lads for style. I stayed up in Mancs fri-mon and theyve got no taste, All some wanted to do was take the shirt off me back. They just cant get the gear haha

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

Nice. Im much more into original 60s/70s mod/hippyish mix. Nice fitted paisly shirt with a long pointed or jumbo collar. Really into bowling shirts right now, theres great vintage shops around. But then if you open my drawers youll see a rainbow of Lacoste polos lol

You cant beat us London lads for style. I stayed up in Mancs fri-mon and theyve got no taste, All some wanted to do was take the shirt off me back. They just cant get the gear haha

Another reason to hate Scousers mate. All the gear they nicked while playing abroad in the late 70's early 80's the adage you can't polish a turd was never so apt. They'd come to the Bridge or if you went to Anfield and to a man you could tell the gear was nicked cos it never fitted them rat boys in Armani.

[Unionjack 7,531]

Another reason to hate Scousers mate. All the gear they nicked while playing abroad in the late 70's early 80's the adage you can't polish a turd was never so apt. They'd come to the Bridge or if you went to Anfield and to a man you could tell the gear was nicked cos it never fitted them rat boys in Armani.

Would have loved to have been around then. Ive had all the stories from me uncle tho. Sounded like fun times. Cant understand why they only flash mobbed clothes shops tho. Everyone shudda been blinged up. I know the Hibs lot did a few.

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

I was talking to this bloke in the pub last night i said to him '' Who do you support mate?''. Arsenal he replied, I said Sorry. He said again Arsenal, I said '' I heard you mate i'm just sorry.''