UCL Draw Thread

[Madmax 9,219]

Enjoy :

Jose Mourinho’s expert analysis of the Champions League group draw

Hello. I am Jose Mourinho, the only one ever to do anything and this is my analysis of UEFA's spectacle of cheating that they call the Champions League draw. Let's begin.

Group A

Porto

Dynamo Kiev

PSG

Dinamo Zagreb

Jose says: Dynamo and Dinamo in the same group? This does not happen in nature. Note how UEFA does this in group with Porto, the first club I graced with Champions League trophy a.k.a. the Jose Mourinho Cup That He Somtimes Loans Out When He's Feeling Bored of It. This is foreshadowing of evil to come. Carlo Ancelotti's eyebrow knows this...

Verdict: Pep Guardiola will watch this group at home in his pajamas because I knocked him out of football. His wife will ask him to take her out to nice dinner, but he will be too depressed. He will make up a fictitious stomach trouble and I will laugh. PSG will probably get eliminated because Ibrahimovic needs me.

Group B

Arsenal

Schalke

Olympiacos

Montpellier

Jose says: You don't normally see the representatives from a Pot 3 club smile when they get put in a group, but that is what the Olympiacos representatives did when they saw this. Arsenal have played two matches and scored the same amount of goals in each -- none. I know from experience that when you laugh at Arsene Wenger, he gets angry. He throws water bottles and his nostrils have tiny seizures.

Verdict: There are no winners here.

Group C

Milan

Zenit St. Petersburg

Anderlecht

Malaga

Jose says: Milan sold their best players, Malaga are in financial trouble, Zenit think Andrei Arshavin is still good and Anderlecht I do not care about.

Verdict: This is the group of sadness.

Group D

Real Madrid

Manchester City

Ajax

Borussia Dortmund

Jose says: The champions of Spain, the champions of England, the champions of the Netherlands and the champions of Germany. Can Steve McManaman be that bad at picking balls out of a pot? Yes. But there is something more to it. UEFA, the referees, they all try to make it more difficult for Real Madrid because for me, everything is too easy. Winning trophies, being the best, making jokes about blogger boy Rafa Benitez. It is all too easy. And this group will be too. Unless it isn't. Then I will complain.

Verdict: This is the group of death. Because Pepe will kill everyone and I will poke Michel Platini in the eye until he thinks he's English if his conspiracy keeps us from advancing. And Ajax will cry. Why do they keep getting used as pawn in UEFA's schemes? They are like poor goat in Jurassic Park.

Group E

Chelsea

Shakhtar Donetsk

Juventus

Nordsjælland

Jose says: Real Madrid get three other champions but Juventus and my Chelsea get put in a group with a club that has never played in the Champions League and has fake conjoined letters in its name. Fabio Cannavaro didn't even try to say it because it is not a real word. This further proves that UEFA is trying to cheat me.

Verdict: Chelsea will once again make it to the knockout rounds and it will once again be thanks to me. Just last week my old friend in the mirror asked me when Roman Abramovich will send my winner's medal from last season's victory. I said, "I do not care. He knows I don't need a winner's medal to recognize my unmatched achievements. Anyway I would just throw it away again." And as I said this my old friend in the mirror said it too because everyone wants to be like me.

Group F

Bayern Munich

Valencia

Lille

BATE

Jose says: Last season, Bayern Munich beat Real Madrid on penalties in Champions League semifinals. This only happened because Sergio Ramos decided to use his shot as a scout for the NASA's Curiosity. But I cut his hair and he should be fine now.

Verdict: Bayern will dominate this group and then I will dominate them. Like Alex Ferguson at S&M party. And just like that I have ruined your sex life.

Group G

Barcelona

Benfica

Spartak Moscow

Celtic

Jose says: It was nice of UEFA to put Barcelona in a group with two other clubs that finished in second place last season. They can talk about losing and eat ice cream treats together. Another thing Barca have in common with all the others in this group: they did not win the Supercopa de Espana. Oh snap.

Verdict: Peplinger will watch this group with his friends to try and make him feel less alone. They will all have on vests in a place that has no other vest wearers. He will still feel alone and he will wonder if Tito Vilanova is wearing his pants.

Group H

Manchester United

Braga

Galatasaray

CFR Cluj

Jose says: This is ridiculous. Manchester United always get the easiest groups. But they showed last season that they cannot always advance in these easy groups. Still, these matches will be useless as Man United's stock.

Verdict: Shut up.

http://sports.yahoo.com/blogs/soccer-dirty-tackle/jose-mourinho-expert-analysis-champions-league-group-draw-234300827--sow.html;_ylt=AhdlIqB7g6HKmAKNl0KOvzWpb8p_;_ylu=X3oDMTE5anNoYXFyBG1pdANCbG9ncyBJbmRleARwb3MDMTIEc2VjA01lZGlhQmxvZ0luZGV4;_ylg=X3oDMTFpMm9iMzh1BGludGwDdXMEbGFuZwNlbi11cwRwc3RhaWQDBHBzdGNhdANibG9nBHB0A3NlY3Rpb25z;_ylv=3

[Jase 43,479]

Juventus away and City home looks tricky.

Said before, City have to play Madrid(though at home) on the same matchday as us playing Juventus away. Not too bad there I suppose.

The one I think is most concerning is we play Spurs(A), Shakhtar(A) and United(H) all in one week. On that midweek we play Shakhtar in Ukraine, United are at home to Braga.

[termninja 5,290]

Said before, City have to play Madrid(though at home) on the same matchday as us playing Juventus away. Not too bad there I suppose.

The one I think is most concerning is we play Spurs(A), Shakhtar(A) and United(H) all in one week. On that midweek we play Shakhtar in Ukraine, United are at home to Braga.

Well United had the easiest group last season and we all know how that went

[Spike 12,049]

As I've said before I can not wait to play Juventus, I'm so excited!

[Jase 43,479]

Well United had the easiest group last season and we all know how that went

Yeah but surely they won't mess it up again for the second straight season. SAF won't allow it.

As I've said before I can not wait to play Juventus, I'm so excited!

Crucial to beat them in the first game.

[Spike 12,049]

Crucial to beat them in the first game.

This is how I see Juve: Their squad is average at best but Conte knows how to get 100% out of them every game and he always picks the right formation and team selection to maximise the strengths and minimise their weaknesses.

Conte makes an average team a great team.

[Baker 1]

Hi there!

I'm a Juventus fan, and i really can't wait to see our teams battle each other on the field, i'm sure that these match will be very exciting!

I completely agree with Juventus Fan

Wow, nice way to talk, i bet you feel very strong now !

Apart from this, hello everyone, i'm a Juventus fan from Italy.

The draw was very interesting, we look forward to play you at Stamford Bridge and at our new Juventus Stadium.

I read some positive comments from you guys about our team.

Some others instead seem to understimate us... maybe you shouldn't: after the 2006 relegation we've gone trough some difficult seasons, but when our former captain Antonio Conte joined us as a manager last year, things finally changed... the DNA of the old Juve came back, the spirit of never give up came back... like you probably know we won the league with ZERO defeats, we also reach the final of the Italian Cup and this year we already won the Italian Supercup (the equivalent of your Community Shield).

Another thing that Conte brought to this team is a very high quality football, the best in Italy, and i'm not saying this because i'm a fan.

If you look at some stats from last season games, you will notice that we always had a lot of ball possession (3rd team with more ball possession in Europe last year, see here: http://tinyurl.com/czz3bde), we never throw away the ball, not even when it's near our box.

Our defence was also very good last year (just 20 goals conceded in 38 games, best of the league), but in my opinion the strongest zone of our team is the midfield.

Pirlo, Vidal and Marchisio all had a magical season, and this year we add Isla and Asamoah, who had a very good start of the season (a goal in the Supercup, an assist in the first Serie A match vs Parma).

A greeting to all of you and sorry if my english wasn't 100% correct !

Stefano, Italy.

[Pinturicchio 5]

Can't believe people are underrating Juventus that much. You'll be surprised. Juventus are the Italian champions, they didn't lose a game in the league last season. If you think we'd get a result from them easily then shame on you, just because Juve haven't been in the CL recently people forget that they are one of the most successful teams in Italy.

Nothing but respect for Juve, we'll need to play our strongest team at top form to beat them.

Juve XI I'm expecting is:

Buffon

Lucio - Barzagli - Chiellini

Pirlo

Lichtensteiner - Marchisio - Vidal - Asamoah

Giovinco - Vucinic

Something like that anyway. A very strong team.

This should be a great match.

I hope Conte we'll go with

Buffon

Barzagli---Bonucci---Chiellini

Isla---Vidal---Pirlo---Marchisio---Asamoah

Vucinic---Giovinco

[gary gordon 1,777]

IF City get knocked out of the group stages again i will laugh my ass off!

[Pinturicchio 5]

IF City get knocked out of the group stages again i will laugh my ass off!

Who won't?

[Leif 6,006]

Juventus is definitely underrated on this forum.

It's only really their front-line which is lacking. Matri is no world beater.

On his day though, Vucinic is.

Bendtner who's also arriving, although many jokes are made about him, will be tricky. He's not easy to handle. I'm curious to see how he fits in at Juve though.

They've also got Buffon.

A lot of people disagree with me as they don't really watch Serie A, but in my opinion, Buffon >>> Casillas.

Buffon will try and make particular saves which some goalkeepers could only dream of.

If we just got 'easy' draws each season like Manchester United, triumphs wouldn't feel as spectacular.

Hopefully we can get past Juventus, but don't expect us to; even though we are Champions Of Europe.

They have an incredible team chemistry. Only comparable to Barcelona.

The club feels like a family, so every single drop of emotion from every single player will drop onto the pitch when we play.

I'm excited.

[Marsholeni 0]

Chelsea, be careful

This is the juventus style...

and then they dedicated the victory to an indicted

[Shulz 23]

Chelsea, be careful

This is the juventus style...

and then they dedicated the victory to an indicted

if you watched the game, why don't you also show some videos of how napoli dind't even try to play football, doing some killer tackels since the beginning of the match? their attitude brought that on themselves, with violence and polemics, not some conspiracy theory made up from non sportive fans like you =) and I don't really expect you to know anything about what is happening to the one you call "indicted" and the scandals of the trials that always bring shame to our country either.

you just fill your mouth(in this case your keyboard) with judgement cause you prefer to hate and trash rather than try to respect this sport.

btw, you should really think about what you're doing. I came here to talk with our future rivals, with respect and admiration. trying to comunicate and make our future rivalry even more stimulating. while you came here to disrespect me, Juventus and over 14 millions fans just in Italy. you proud of yourself?

I haven't seen one single english chelsea fan behave like you do, the only aggressive ones were, if i'm not mistaken, a chinese, a brasilian and an italian. world fans should really learn from english supporters... and for that, thanks to all Chelsea fans that welcomed us here, in their home. =)

[scleone1987 4]

Hi guys, I'm new to the forum. I'm a Juventus fan and I'm proud to be on the same group stage of the European Champions. Well, I think we're still not the same as of pre-calciopoli era, but we have got good defenders even if no one of them is on the top 5 european defenders list (only 20 goals in 38 league matches conceeded last year); the midfield is our strong point, with the "Principino" Marchisio, the playmaker Pirlo and Arturo "Guerrero" Vidal who, albeit the name suggests he's a tough player, is also a very talented one; never to forget the new players Asamoah and Pogba (special thanks to Man Utd ). The lack of a good striker is important but on the other hand Vucinic is a very talented player. We do not definitely have a defensive play but we like ball possession and we do a great pressing over the opponent when we're not possessing the ball, and this mostly helps us to keep the opponent far from our goal.

I think Chelsea will top the group as you have the best players and the new ones like Hazard will contribute to dramatically improve your squad. I hope but don't know if the Old Lady will manage to be qualified for the round of 16 but I'm sure we'll see a spectacular show from these two great teams!

[Marsholeni 0]

in the Serie A is the same...not only with neaples

this is the first match of this year...

ahhhhhh....juventus style....we love it sooooo much! :blue scalf:

I think people are smart enough to evaluate that images

[Juventus fan 14]

Oh God, why you Napoli fans keep going on with anti-Juventus post ?

How immature it is ? Looks like it's your only meaning of life !

As i said yesterday, you are not even respecting Chelsea fans by posting this, because you're only filling up their forum with junk.

By the way... http://tinyurl.com/8oswmcr

...i also think that people is smart enough to evaluate this picture...

And this is my last post about Napoli, because unlike someone else, i want to respect who is hosting us here.

[zolayes 14,489]

Hi guys, I'm new to the forum. I'm a Juventus fan and I'm proud to be on the same group stage of the European Champions. Well, I think we're still not the same as of pre-calciopoli era, but we have got good defenders even if no one of them is on the top 5 european defenders list (only 20 goals in 38 league matches conceeded last year); the midfield is our strong point, with the "Principino" Marchisio, the playmaker Pirlo and Arturo "Guerrero" Vidal who, albeit the name suggests he's a tough player, is also a very talented one; never to forget the new players Asamoah and Pogba (special thanks to Man Utd ). The lack of a good striker is important but on the other hand Vucinic is a very talented player. We do not definitely have a defensive play but we like ball possession and we do a great pressing over the opponent when we're not possessing the ball, and this mostly helps us to keep the opponent far from our goal.

I think Chelsea will top the group as you have the best players and the new ones like Hazard will contribute to dramatically improve your squad. I hope but don't know if the Old Lady will manage to be qualified for the round of 16 but I'm sure we'll see a spectacular show from these two great teams!

welcome ..you seem to have arrived in the middle of an Italian civil war ...Fans from other clubs are always welcome if they treat the forum with respect .

[edetarod 2,155]

lol, so many Juve fans here all of a sudden...

really looking forward to the games, too bad Del Piero won't be there...

and Torres vs Buffon