MT&AHC #2 - Bieber impresses on USA tour duty!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

My Two-And-A-Half Cents is a column written by TalkChelsea administrator Alex Hinsley. A satirical look at happenings surrounding Chelsea Football Club, it must be stated that any views stated in this column are most definitely my own, and in no way reflect upon TalkChelsea.net, Chelsea FC, or any affiliates.

Juan's having a good one!

The emphatic ability of Sky Sports News journalists to create non-stories reached new heights on Monday, when the broadcaster published an article suggesting that the Special Juan was happy to be staying put at Chelsea, despite speculation he may be used as a make-weight in the ongoing Wayne Rooney saga.

Firstly, of course Juan's happy to stay. He's won three different major honours in his time here.

Secondly, in regards to a player-plus-cash bid for Wazza, Chelsea officially put that crock of bullshit to rest precisely twenty days ago.

I'm guessing Sky didn't get that memo? They must have been too busy brown-nosing Gareth Bale.

HazardLAD - Thorgan's as much of a player as his big bro!

Eden Hazard's not-so-famous-younger-brother Thorgan has been revealed to be a swinger! The horny Zulte Waregem star was outed accidentally by a sexual partner through the iPhone and Android app "Snapchat".

The young Belgian did little to hide his shame at the end of Zulte's most recent game - a 1-0 win over Kortrijk - as he celebrated the hard-fought victory by snogging the fans behind one of the goals.

Looks like the bloke in the chequered shirt wants a second slice of cake!

The delighted Zulte fans were left smiling - in particular one very happy-looking chappy in a chequered shirt. He'll definitely be back for more.

Whilst Thorgan's endeavours are no doubt extremely impressive, he needs a little advice from his brother in the kissing department. Never keep your eyes open, Thorgan. Ever.

Especially with who's next in line for a smacker...

Bieber impresses on USA tour duty...

Yesterday I reported that Victor Moses had suddenly been installed as a fans' favourite after two very impressive performances against both sides of Milan...

...but another star of Chelsea's pre-season campaign so far is young teen pop sensation Justin Bieber.

Justin signed for the club in January 2012, but has since been out on loan.

The singer of the chart-topping pop hit "Baby" has made an instant impression out on tour, playing under the pseudonym of "Marco van Ginkel" to deflect any suspecting fan-girls.

Manager José Mourinho went on record to express his delight at the young teen's progression.

"He's doing very well. After Doncaster's big-money signing of one of the One Direction boys, it was important for Justin to make an impression".

Justin, whose mother is Dutch, is hoping for a call-up to the Holland national side for next summer's World Cup. At this rate, he's a sure-fire selection.

Racist bastard gets away with a clip around the ear...

Elsewhere, some disappointing news has emerged - claiming that Romelu Lukaku was subjected to racist abuse during a game on loan at West Brom last season.

The disgraced Sunderland fan has avoided a prison sentence, but has been banned from attending football matches for three years.

The prosecution felt that a three-year-long season ticket at the Stadium of Light would be too harsh a punishment.

The 22 year-old Mackem has been given an eighteen-month-long period of "conditional discharge" - meaning that should he stay away from football grounds for the prescribed three years, he'll be getting away with it scot-free.

However police are currently trying to discover his whereabouts, after neighbours claimed he was dragged out of his home in the early hours of this morning by a machete-wielding thug.

One elderly neighbour described the intruder as "beastly", "about 6' 1"" and "weighing 180 pounds", and went on to say that he kept chanting "if you mess with one of us, you mess with both of us".

If you know of this man, and/or of his whereabouts, please contact Northumbria Police.

A possible likeness of the thug was later drawn up.

Click here to view the article

[Spike 12,049]

You'll get sick of doing these soon. You'll see, you'll see.

[BlueLion. 21,491]

More than likely I'll run out of things to take the piss out of.

This isn't going to be an everyday thing. Two a week. Should be plenty of news items to rip the piss out of!

[Hutcho 8,443]

We would gain so many supporters if we actually signed beiber. The amount of female Chelsea supporters would quadruple.

Just a thought Jose.

And great article mate.

[Styles 9,790]

Thanks, I've been looking for a new Drogba avi.

[BlueLion. 21,491]

^ you're welcome

[Jase 43,479]

Yet more brilliance!

And about the Mata news, I absolutely despise how the media has framed it. Some of the headlines - 'Mata insists he is at happy at Chelsea', 'Mata commits to Chelsea' (etc) - are an absolute joke. They have made it sound as if Mata wants to leave on his own will and suddenly decided to make to a U-turn when all this while, it's complete BS stories being written non-stop about him leaving RATHER than him wanting to even leave at all!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Cheers Jase!

Absolutely, it's the same way they're trying to sabotage our preparations by insisting we're going to have to play and cater to Torres' strengths.

[Stingray 9,441]

Now that sucked less than the rest of the forum!!

Nicely done, mate!

[Peppen 934]

In regards to Bieber.....

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_81gksTkYc#t=4m18s

[Barbara 15,149]

you're brilliant, mate. That's all

[BlueLion. 21,491]

[NishC300 1,865]

Superb! Brilliant!

You are amazing and no I am not going to compare u to Early Doors since that would be insulting to u!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Thanks Nish!

[NishC300 1,865]

Thanks Nish!

Credit where credit's due! This is very well written and not praising u, would be wrong!