Benitez Cleared Out

[Aesthetic Relic 301]

Vital - football

Thieves clear out the Benitez house

As if the misery of having lost to Chelsea wasn't enough, Wednesday night brought fresh problems for Tubby Benitez: thieves hit his home at the same time that the Liverpool manager was exiting the Carling Cup.

Following on from a string of burglaries hitting Liverpool staff on the nights of away games (the latest being Ickle Stevie Gerrard when Liverpool played Marseille), Tubby Benitez` house was cleared out whilst the portly Spaniard was pacing the turf at Stamford Bridge.

The enterprising thieves from the Merseyside had already targeted Dirk Kuyt, Daniel Agger Doo, Pepe Reina Sofia, Jerzy Dudek and Peter Crouch. It was therefore only a matter of time before the manager was hit.

Mr Benitez, looking dazed and confused (but with his normal look of mild constipation), told reporters that 'I took my wife Montse to London for some shopping in proper boutiques, the likes of which simply do not exist in Liverpool, so there was no-one in the house at the time. The thieves cleared out many of our prized possessions, if they could have left the house on bricks I believe they would have done".

He added that "this has been a terrible night for me. On top of my team having had our place in the Carling Cup Semi-finals stolen from us by Chelsea, and Peter Crouch`s place on the team-sheet snatched away for the next 3 matches, I`ve also had my house burgled." As if he was aware that he was flogging a dead horse of a metaphor, he quickly changed the subject to tell reporters that "the only consolation is that Montse picked up some lovely outfits from the Knightsbridge branch of Burburry`s".

As well as his car and assorted electrical goods being stolen, the thieves also took a number of items of poignant significance to Tubby Benitez. "I have a stock of bespoke Adidas tracksuits and coats with a particularly elasticated waist. They have all gone, it will take a good 4 weeks to get some more in from the Far East."

"And I have a new sponsorship with Remington, who have designed a special Rafalator trimmer, designed to the exact specifications of my funky jazz beard. The protoype that they have sent over, encrusted with Swarovski crystals, has been lifted. I`m also without the spare box of Old Spice weapons-grade deodorant. That stuff is so strong it is actually banned under the Geneva protocol, but I really need it so I obtain it on the black market".

For some reason, however, the burglars left a number of items of sentimental value to Tubby. "The medals from the 2005 Champions League final and the 2006 F.A. Cup Final could have fetched a lot of money on the black market. But the burglars took them to the kitchen and poured breakfast produce on them. Do you think it was some kind of cryptic message that they were left all jammy"?

In a sad voice, Mr Benitez ended the discussion with reporters that "I am focused on training and coaching my team".

STOP PRESS: Liverpool manager Tubby Benitez is being charged with insurance fraud. The charge results from a failed attempt to claim back money from an insurance company following a staged break-in.

Police became suspicious when the list of items that Tubby claimed was stolen contained a number of items that suggested that a fraud was underway. Quoted an un-named Merseyside police spokesperson: "we had our doubts when Mr Benitez claimed that these so-called 'thieves` had stolen his notebook containing tactical plans for the Liverpool team over the Christmas period: Mr Benitez` crackpot rotation policy suggests that these plans simply do not exist. But what really gave Mr Benitez` poorly conceived plan away was the claim for one missing Premiership medal."

[Alee. 182]

lol :D

[SuperSheva7 0]

when i read this tittle i thought he got sacked, lol. this is funny too though!

[captainmarvel 1]

hahahahahaha! that's hilarious!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

This best describes my feelings:

[Steve 10,227]

lmao are these guys going to ever get caught