Would Fellaini fit at Chelsea, biatch?

[Spike 12,049]

With tha speculation increasin fo' tha
January transfer market window on some possible move ta Chelsea fo'
Everton’s main asset dis season, I decided ta gots a peep Marouane
Fellaini’s possible contribution ta tha current Chelsea crew. Da Blues
arguably need mo' options up in central midfield since tha departurez of
Michael Essien n' Raul Meireles. Da big-ass Belgian would probably
offer somethang few clubs could boast bout up in termz of variety but
there’s other fair reasons ta be thinkin he wouldn’t be what tha fuck
Chelsea needz ta first n' foremost ta ‘save his season’.

He’s a target playa n' offers variety


Everton has finally managed ta match his thugged-out lil' potential on
tha paper muthafuckin right from tha start of tha season. I aint talkin'
bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Da Toffees sit 6th on tha table afta 17
game n' hound Chelsea from just two points. Dizzy Moyes’ recipe is like
simple up in termz of playin approach yo. Dude managed ta implement a
whole crew around one central playa, tha 6ft4in Belgian Marouane
Fellaini, recently elected Barclays Player of tha Month for November.


Fellaini uses ta be played up in front of two other midfieldaz (Darron
Gibstone, Phil Neville, Leon Osman) on a weekly basis whereas it was
rather a punctual bust from Moyes up in tha past, dependin on tha
opposizzle n' tha options available (all up in injuries, suspensions…).
Everton’s pattern is characteristic n' features a pleasant alternation
of on ground (52.2% possession, 9th rate) n' direct play (66 long balls
per game up in average, 4th up in tha table) based on Fellaini’s
mobilitizzle ta act as tha target playa fo' Jagielka, Distin and
Gibstone n' Osman’s long balls. Nikica Jelavic tries ta float up in
Everton’s number 25′s shadow but his contribution ta tha overral play is
like restricted left aside tha second balls n' tha one touch finish
opportunitizzles up in tha box.


But tha mighty Belgian also holdz a cold-ass lil crucial role ta provide
support ta Leighton Baines (or Séamus Coleman) whoz ass can git on tha
overlap n' combine on tha left channel, as has been highlighted by previous statistical focus.
At Chelsea, tha expected defensive woes all up in tha back (resultin
from a insufficient defensive work from Mata, Hazard down tha flanks)
has still only been tha half of tha unappetizin cake of the full backs left alone.
With no options ta combine n' git on the overlap, Ashley Cole n'
Branislav Ivanovic done been too often useless (and caught high up).
Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Still Mata’s opener against
Monterrey up in tha Club Ghetto Cup semi-final is one another example of
what tha fuck can be Ashley Cole’s attackin impact when he’s provided
options ta link up up in tha last third.


Since Didier Drogba’s departure last summer, Chelsea arguably lack a
option forward ta relieve defendaz from pressure. Jizzy Obi Mikel is tha
easy as fuck way fo' his cold-ass crew mates whoz ass rely on his
bangin reliabilitizzle related ta his oustandin bizzle retention game n'
composed passin but tha Nigerian’s positionin all up in tha heart of
tha play hardly allows his ass enough space ta dictate tha play ; often
forced ta provide a safe distribution ta tha few options available
around his muthafuckin ass.


Fernando Torres’ slight improvement up in termz of ballin aerial
challenges is clearly not enough ; thankin bout he’s never been
particulary highly regarded fo' his hold-up play. Branislav Ivanovic
gettin higher up on goalkicks is tha only option available fo' Petr Cech
when he has no other chizzle than ta hoof tha ball.


Marouane Fellaini would then provide variety ta tha Chelsea crew whoz
ass could punctually break tha build up of his thugged-out attacks via a
vertical, direct long bizzle. Kick dat shit, muthafucka! Ryan
Bertrand’s (or Theo Walcott) mobilitizzle ta follow second balls n' run
all up in space would then be used on a mo' regular basis, thankin bout
he’s virtually tha only playa ta make dis kind of run up in tha current
Chelsea squad (left aside Fernando Torres).

NO
Probably
not Fellaini’s straight-up dopest game up in midfield (still, he was up
in phat form last winter). Our thugged-out asses can notice da most
thugged-outly sideways passin game, tha propensitizzle ta link up down
tha channels (Baines’ left) n' tha waste up in tha vertical play. Right
back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Source: Da Guardian chalkboards



Da mighty Bruxella can also be frustratin when he attempts ta find his
cold-ass crew mates all up in space and all up in a line of playas wit a
cold-ass lil chipped pass seemingly aimed randomly, as it was tha case
on nuff muthafuckin occasions recently against Tottenham. Right back up
in yo muthafuckin ass. Some of his wild lil' forward passes aren’t
properly paced as well, as tha receiver is forced ta anticipate, reach
up tha pass n' bust his body ta protect tha transmission ta be
intercepted and cut. His lay backs from aerial balls is fairly accurate
but our crazy-ass asses can’t always say tha same stupid-ass bout his
fuckin lil' doublin play when he has ta exchange nuff muthafuckin one
touches short passes wit a crew dawg close ta his muthafuckin ass.

Fellaini barely features a cold-ass lil creatizzle passin range
(all up in a line of playas, up in tight intervals vertically) up in his
overral passin game ; somethang our crazy-ass asses can’t only put down
ta a matter of role given by his crazy-ass manager (what was however
Jizzy Obi Mikel’s case at Chelsea FC up in his wild lil' forma holdin
role up in 4-3-3) fo' realz. As Chelsea tend ta play a funky-ass brand
of footbizzle relyin on tha technical supaioritizzle of his startin
eleven, thus exhibitin high passin success rates whatever approach
chosen (possession high up tha field and counter attack) ; tha Blues
probably can’t afford such technical limits n' waste.

He’s not broadly mo' betta ta what tha fuck Chelsea has defensively bustin lyrics

It’s fair ta say dat Fellaini offers somethang up in
between Ramires n' Mikel when it happens ta recover tha bizzle. Kick dat
shit, muthafucka! Da forma Standard de Liège midfielder probably
covers as much ground as Ramires do durin game n' arguably shares tha
same stupid-ass aggressivenizz to challenge and dive fo' tha bizzle.
Kick dat shit, muthafucka! At tha same stupid-ass time, his wild lil'
frame is similar ta a cold-ass lil certain extent ta Mikel’s when he has
ta defend standin and/or on tha man. I aint talkin' bout chicken n'
gravy biatch. Still, our crazy-ass asses can note a kind of
over-reliizzle from Fellaini ta dive tha fuck into challenges via
tacklez ta recover tha bizzle as his crazy-ass muthafuckin interceptin
game don’t particulary catch tha eye. If every last muthafuckin crew
needz some muthafucka whose role would be much of tha bizzle winner, our
crazy-ass asses still have ta nuizzle thankin bout tha requirements
related ta wether a crew bust and not ta dominizzle tha ball.

A crew who’ll deliberately leave tha bizzle ta tha opponent will
reduce as much as possible tha space up in between tha bizzle n' his
stupid-ass goal by featurin mo' playas up in his own half fo' realz. A
densified space will tend ta force duels n' then increase tha amount of
tackles, fouls fo' dat crew (provin tha point ta dispose of phat
defendin playas).

In contrast ta dat case, a crew who’ll tend ta dominizzle tha
bizzle will rather bust assets like fuckin pressin ta shut down tha
opponent’s attacks. Da deepest midfielder then won’t need ta be a
typical oldschool fashioned ‘defensive midfielder’ wit outstandin
defensive abilitizzles thankin bout his bangin role would mah crazy ass
mainly ta collect tha crumbs afta tha sequences would be chopped wit a
efficient pressing. In case of tha pressin havin been unsufficient, dat
deeper midfielder would be forced ta commit tha odd tactical foul.

Our thugged-out asses can give as prime examplez of such a
thugged-out defensive system tha Barry/Touré partnershizzle at Citizzle
and Xabi Alonso/Khedira at Madrid. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Nor
Barry nor Alonso is what tha fuck is commonly called ‘defensive
midfielder’ ; still they is tha deepest midfieldaz of they crew up in
attackin n' defensive sequences. Their role is rather ta act as a
additionizzle launch pad ta tha center backs props ta a accurate passin
range (and tha mobilitizzle ta play vertically, wit different levelz of
ability) thankin bout tha crew they play fo' enjoys tha bizzle most of
tha time.

Marouane Fellaini relies on his crazy-ass mobilitizzle ta cover a
shitload of ground props ta his outstandin stamina, then he can hold tha
same stupid-ass sort of special role he’s been given on attackin
sequences when his cold-ass crew isn’t up in possession at Everton. I
aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Right back up in yo
muthafuckin ass. Still, fo' Chelsea bein mobile probably wouldn’t be
sufficient as he’s not explosive enough ta come up n' press tha holda of
tha bizzle whereas he don’t particulary shines wit his thugged-out lil'
positionizzle sense (to cover a crew dawg and fill a gap).
Versatilitizzle among tha nuff muthafuckin defensive tasks our crazy-ass
asses can expect from a midfielder is somethang dat can be straight-up
useful from a cold-ass lil collectizzle point of view yo, but only if
tha playa is versatile enough ta switch between nuff muthafuckin rolez
(somethang Raul Meirelez experienced durin his season wit tha Blues). Da
overral balizzle is done cooked up harder ta find if some playas can’t
and don’t hold a precise role, primarly up in defensive sequences. In
mah opinion Fellaini be a playa-system, not a playa of a given system ;
tha reciprocitizzle aint as obvious muthafuckin.

There is probably mo' betta options up there

In a similar fashizzle than Clint Dempsey at Spurs, if our
crazy-ass asses imagine Chelsea signin Marouane Fellaini, he would git
tha fuck into a squad where there’s mo' betta attackin playas than him,
mo' betta defendin ones as well yo. Here lies tha question bout tha
amount of scrilla tha London club could reasonably spend fo' a playa wit
a shitload of assets n' mixin like well such different aspectz of tha
play – somethang Chelsea clearly missed given tha lack of defensive work
from his thugged-out attackers Sturridge, Mata n' Hazard tha recent
months – but not overally mo' betta than one starter of tha current
system up in particular.

Everton n' Dizzy Moyes raised eyebrows when they purchased fo' £15m
a thugged-out dynamic ‘box-to-box’ midfielder from Standard de Liège,
most notably known fo' his g-thang ta break tha play. Considerin tha way
his wild lil' fuckin english game turned n' how tha fuck crucial he is
fo' his cold-ass crew all up in tha moment, one can expect Everton ta
hold his crazy-ass main playa as long as it is ghon be possible, n' only
consider big-ass scrilla offers ta even be thinkin on some possible
departure. Medias speculate on some gangbangin' fee around £30m. Da main
word bout Fellaini seems ta be ‘variety’, ‘Plan B’ but wouldn’t it be
wiser ta spend such a amount of scrilla on a regular starter whoz ass
wouldn’t require a mini-revolution up in termz of how tha fuck tha crew
would play , biatch? (to suit his thugged-out lil' play).

In mah opinion there’s wiser buys thankin bout Chelsea needz first
n' foremost squad options, cuz tha startin XI is probably phat enough
(the recent issues lies up in tha relevizzle/irrelevizzle up in tha
playin application) but dragged by tha lack of options on bench. There’s
decent n' skankyer options up in Premier League and elsewhere like
fuckin Jizzy McCarthy (Wigan Athletic) on whoz ass Chelsea keeps a
cold-ass lil close eye fo' some seasons, or Etienne Capoue from
Toulouse.

265 fouls since July 2011 is hidden somewhere up in dat picture, will you be able ta find its?

After Chelsea’s failure ta brang back tha Club Ghetto Cup afta his
short but meaningful defeat ta Corinthians last week, tha second event
havin occupied tha headlines has been Marouane Fellaini’s headbutt ta
Stoke’s captain Ryan Shawcross. If it was a odd happening, somethang you
wouldn’t have expected from tha playa we’re rappin' about, I’d probably
have moved on without evokin tha event up in such a article. But that’s
precisely not tha case here ; beside his oustandin footballin
abilities, Marouane Fellaini has established his dirty ass as a playa
breakin tha play wit either bad piecez of defendin and reckless
challenges. If he has endured a similar start ta his Premier League game
than Jizzy Obi Mikel (Fellaini collected 10 bookings up in his wild
lil' first 17 PL game, 19 up in all competitions on his wild lil' first
season up in England) before , he has kept a gangbangin' form of
consistency up in termz of fouls committed ; probably tha consequence of
bein one of tha few playas havin played both as central midfielder n'
central striker tha recent seasons. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass.
Since his wild lil' first season up in Premier League (2008/09), only
outside class Kevin Davies has fouled mo' opponents (354) than Fellaini
did (337). Da Belgian rocked up up in tha top 5 fo' 4 seasons outta 5
(left aside 2010/11 which was cut short by a injury) up in tha Premier
League. It’s still fair ta say dat Fellaini has also been tha sucka of
his own characteristic steez wit probably a amount of unfair fouls
against his ass cuz of tha fact big-ass playas is often under scrutiny
from referees.

But our crazy-ass asses can then easily imagine tha media fuss dat
would be done cooked up outta his wild lil' fouls n' persistant bust of
his handz and elbows ta push opponents and grab they shirts ; let alone
tha impact it would be on his cold-ass crew’s play wit mo' dangerous
situations (set pieces) ta cope wit and wasted attackin sequences
(somethang Fernando Torres can also be blamed fo' wit too much clumsy
fouls when he pressurizes defenders).

[Spike 12,049]

You're welcome.

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What tha fuck iz this, biatch?

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WOW, after not sleeping for 30+ hours, I aint gonna read that today!