Smoking Weed Worse Than The Nazis

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

CANNABIS is now more evil than the Nazis and smoking the drug is worse for the brain than watching Richard Madeley on television, new research suggests.

Worse even than Richard and Judy

During the Sixties smoking dope was hardly evil at all, and the drug was more playful and slightly naughty, but in a nice way, a bit like Kenneth Williams.

In the Seventies and Eighties marijuana briefly became totally harmless and could be smoked by future Cabinet ministers up to the rank of Home Secretary without any effect on their brains whatsoever.

However, a massive increase in the strength of the drug since politicians all stopped using it has now made it more nasty and brutish than the combined evil of the Third Reich.

Professor Tom Booker, head of drug research at Glasgow’s Clyde University and the man who conducted the latest lengthy study into the drug, said: “Yeah, whatever.”

A spokesman for the University said: “The Nazi’s were very bad people but even they could not make a middle class white boy adopt dreadlocks for a hairstyle, or make a highly intelligent middle aged man crawl around the floor of his laboratory in his underpants weeping with laughter about nothing at all, and then eat his own weight in marshmallows.”

Following the promotion of cannabis to the top spot in the evilness rankings the top ten most evil things in the world are:

1. (-) Cannabis

2. (2) Tobacco

3. (4) Debt consolidation ads featuring Carol Vorderman

= 5. (1) Richard and Judy

= 5. (3) The Nazis

6. (-) Heathrow Airport

7. (5) Prince Phillip

8. (7) Joseph Stalin

9. (-) Noel Edmonds

10. (10) The Devil and all his minions

(Previous position in brackets)

[Aesthetic Relic 301]

Where'd you get this from ?

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/

Quite refreshing when fed up with conventional news

[Aesthetic Relic 301]

The online version of the Sunday Sport minus the tits

[Elliott 7]

Haha, ridiculous.

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

Lol some of them are quite funny -''Scotland dies Laughing'' and ''DSS to fund Liverpool takeover''

and this one

GOVERNMENT TO TACKLE BINGE-WANKING

THE legal age for masturbation is to be raised to 18 as part of a series of measures aimed at tackling binge-wanking among teenage boys.

"There's nothing else to do round here. We need a pool table"Supermarkets are to be banned from two-for-one pornography promotions, and all magazines will have to be purchased through special checkouts staffed by intimidating, attractive women.

Any pictures of naked breasts or private areas will have public health minister Shona Robinson's head superimposed on them and a speech bubble saying: "Eat healthy!"

Ms Robison said: "We want to make binge-wanking as socially unacceptable as drinking blood or setting fire to children.

"At the moment masturbation is an integral part of Scottish culture. This process will be long and hard, but I am determined to pull it off."

All aerobics videos are to be banned apart from health secretary Nicola Sturgeon's forthcoming Suzi Quatro Workout, which was declared "mind-numbing" after repeated viewings by the lower sixth at Merchiston Castle School in Edinburgh.

According to the Executive's latest guidelines, adults can have up to three personal hand interactions per week without causing any great harm to their health, apart from a degree of short-sightedness and bad breath.

But medical evidence shows that any self-pleasuring by those under 18 is certain to lead to blindness and ugly disfigurement before the onset of middle age, while binge-wanking will lead to total derangement within months.

The British Medical Association said the Executive did not go far enough. Bill McKay, of the BMA's Scottish Masturbation Committee, said tougher action was needed to deal with what he called a "stroking time-bomb".

Roy Hobbs, A&E consultant at Glasgow's Victoria Infirmary, said: "If Channel 4 shows another Kylie special we will simply not be able to cope."

[Aesthetic Relic 301]

Thats a cracking site

I was in creases reading this one......

DOG HAS SHIT

WORKERS at a Tesco superstore watched yesterday as a dog had a huge shit in the middle of their car park.

The dog seemed to enjoy the shit, said witnessesThe animal, which was about a year old, squatted down to do its business, and then shuffled along a bit after it had started, depositing its faeces behind it.

Staff, who nicknamed the dog “shitter”, said they watched it closely as it forced out at least two quite large curly ones and one smaller straight log.

Nikki Hollis, 26, a check-out assistant said: “I was on my break when Darren from the fish counter said he could see a dog taking a shit. So we went to have a look.”

Bill McKay, 56, a trolley collector, said: “I saw a bit of a crowd gathering so I went over, I asked Nikki what was going on and she said it was a dog, taking a shit.”

Store manager Wayne Hayes, 42, said: “I was in my office when I got a call from Ellen, the checkout supervisor who just said ‘get yourself down here now, a dog is having a shit’”.

Bakery worker Norman Steele, 34, was walking towards the store to start his shift when he got a text from Mr McKay saying “Where r you? Dog having shit. Gr8!”

A spokesman for Tesco said: “Our staff are trained to expect the unexpected. As soon as the dog had finished they wrapped the shit in a blanket and called the RSPCA. It’s doing fine.”

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

Ha Ha Ha ! That cracked me as well.

'LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS FUCKING RAT' SAY ZOOLOGISTS

A NEW species of giant rat has been discovered in a remote region of New Guinea by a team of totally freaked-out zoologists.

'You fucking catch it'The scientists from Conservation International spotted the 'absolutely mental thing' during a five-day trek through the hazardous Foja mountains.

Expedition leader Professor Wayne Hayes said: "I was filling my water bottle when I saw this huge fucking thing and I shouted to my mate Dave, I said, 'Dave, look at the size of that fucker!' and Dave was like, 'Jesus Christ, it's a fucking monster!

"I shouted over to Stevie and Ben, I said, 'get a look at this bastard' and they're like 'no way, man, that's mental' - they were totally freaking out."

Professor Hayes added: "Ben was like, 'that's a rat, it's totally a rat' and I was going, 'naah, it's some kind of freaky beaver or a weird-looking, fucked-up cat.'"

Dr David Hobbs added: "I was like, 'that's a mutant otter or something, it's bigger than my dog, for Christ's sake' and Wayne was saying we should catch it, and I was like, 'you fucking catch it'.

"So anyway, we tell Stevie that it's his turn to catch something and he's like totally pissed off, but he tears after it anyway, shouting, 'come here you dirty big bastard, I want to take your picture'."

Dr Steven McKay added: "We also trapped this manky little thing with huge eyes which they reckon is maybe a possum or a really big gerbil.

"Dave tried to give it a fruit pastille but it wasn't interested."

[Aesthetic Relic 301]

Gotta give up these cigarettes

I almost coughed a lung up laughing at the fruit pastille part......

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

Definitely some funny ones on that site;

THE RESEARCHER developing an intelligent bra says there is ‘no way’ it is finished and that he may have to carry on studying women’s breasts for decades.

This generation's Apollo ProgrammeDr Tom Logan, head of breasts at the Tits Institute, said reports his bra research was complete were ‘irresponsible’, and could stop women volunteering to help with his work.

He said: “I would love to say that my intelligent bra was now a reality, I really would, but I think I will probably end up working on this project for the rest of my life.”

Dr Logan has devoted his life to developing a super-bra that will stop women’s breasts bouncing around during exercise, but with very limited success so far.

Unlike rival researchers who use sophisticated laser measuring techniques to gauge levels of bounce Dr Logan personally observes his volunteers using his bras as they jog before him on a treadmill.

He said: “I only got into this line of work by accident after my university rejected my initial proposal to look into intelligent panties. But it has proved hugely rewarding.”

Most of the research takes place in Dr Logan’s office, which is equipped with a treadmill, video camera, heavy curtains and tissues.

All joggers are asked to wear blindfolds to prevent anything they see interfering with the experiments, while Dr Logan always removes his trousers in case they affect the results.

He added: “People often ask me what possible scientific benefit can arise from spending hours in a darkened room watching a woman with large breasts jog on the spot on front of you in a not very supportive bra. Imagine if they had said that to Einstein? He would never have invented the atom bomb.”

[.Cee 50]

LOL

[BlueLion. 21,491]

PENSIONER SEX IS DIRTY AND WRONG, SAY DOCS

DIRTY pensioners are having sex even though the thought of their naked bodies is so revolting it makes normal people sick, doctors warned last night.

Unspeakable depravityMost are infected with venereal disease after taking part in orgies fuelled by Viagra, lust, and an overwhelming fear of death, during which gallons of rancid bodily fluids are exchanged.

GP Nikki Hollis, 36, said she had to hit one old man with a broom after he came to her surgery and demanded she look at his weeping penis.

She said: “Another woman came in and asked me to inspect her leathery parts, but as soon as she removed her huge knickers and I caught a glimpse of her low-hanging flaps I threw up in my bin.”

Dr Hollis added: “What pleasure can any man get from having sex with a woman who can tie her tits in a bow behind his head?”

Henry Brubaker, of the Institute for Studies, suggested that older people were carrying on with sex because they were not aware that it was comprehensively disgusting.

He said: “We think it might be something to do with their lack of teeth. Unfortunately the team I assigned to measure them while they were at it were forced to claw their own eyes out.

“Conversely, when I recently spent an evening sitting on the end of a bed while a pair of gorgeous 20 year-old girls made love to each other for hours, I found it a joyous, life enhancing and incredibly wet experience.”

[Fulham Broadway 16,851]

lol !!

POLICE THREATEN TO STOP SHOOTING BRAZILIANS IN THE FACE

POLICE are threatening an immediate halt to all Brazilian face-shootings as part of their ongoing pay row with the government.

Another busy day, hunting down BraziliansTom Logan, chairman of the Police Federation, said his members were already operating a 'shoot-to-rule' and would only pump bullets into Brazilians, electricians, or both, during normal shift hours.

He said: "We don’t care if the guy's pinned in his seat and the gun's in his face. If it's clocking-off time, we down tools and that fanatical Brazilian can either blow himself up or continue his journey to work. Whatever."

"Without the police this country would be swarming with Brazilian electricians, undermining our values and that.

"People might think we sit around on our arses all day, sending squad cars out for fish and chips and ignoring your desperate pleas to stop the local kids urinating on your car. But we don't. We shoot olive-skinned electricians. In the face."

He warned that an all-out strike would also leave young black men free to drive their own cars and that second-round FA Cup matches would be forced to go-ahead without an intimidating police presence.

Logan added: "And who is going to stop you for having a faulty rear brake light and then lean in your window and make you feel small in front of your wife, while his partner leans in the other window, fondles his truncheon and winks at your missus?"