The Truth About Scooby Doo Everyone remembers the cartoon show Scooby-Doo from their early childhood, right? But something you may not remember is what the show was really all about. As I've gotten older, it has become more clear to me what Fred, Shaggy, Daphne, Velma, and Scooby were actually doing as they traversed the continent foiling crimes of all sorts in the Mystery Machine. What We Remember: Four teenagers and their trusted dog gallop across the country in their purple and green van solving mysteries of all sort--and in the process meet all kinds of interesting people. The Truth: Four high-school dropouts and their sentient dog ride around the country in their psychodelic love machine, earning their way by selling drugs. Oh, and they occasionally take some old guys mask off to solve a mystery. It may be a little hard to swallow, but just take a look at the evidence... Take Shaggy for example. Not only is he the inspiration for the current 'grunge' scene, with his sloppy dress and facial hair, but Shaggy is obviously a 'burner', i.e., he smokes marijuana. Why do you think he is constantly hungry? Shaggy can make a six foot hoagie and swallow it whole. And then there is Scooby himself. While dogs do not generally smoke joints, Scooby gets his 'high' from Scooby-Snacks, which are in fact Hash-Brownies. Whenever Scooby, or Shaggy for that matter, eats a Scooby-Snack, they go ape! It just blows their mind and they do whatever they are told, because they are so lit! Scooby is also hungry all the time. The other characters do not actively take part in the stoner-fest that Shaggy and Scooby do, but they do condone the selling of it because it helps support their jaunts across the country (and the world--they drove to China once). These other characters do have their own peculiarities however.. Fred and Daphne are always splintering off from the group to go 'solve the case' by themselves. It's no real mystery what these two are really doing--they're getting busy in the back of the Mystery Machine. Daphne with her pretty pink, well, legs and Fred are constantly bumping uglies. Fred is, by the way, pumped up on steroids. One thing that remains a mystery to me though, is why he always wore that stupid scarf around his neck. And what about Velma? Everyone's least favorite of the cast, was of course, a lesbian. But, as it turned out in the later episodes, she was also into beastiality. Where do you thing Scrappy-Doo came from? Scrappy, who was a dog yet spoke perfect english, was obviously a product of Velma and Scooby. So the kids spent their teenage years driving around the world, slangin' dope, shooting steroids, eating hash brownies, and fucking their dog, while all the while looking for the perfect 'hit'. Shaggy Well, just look at him. Baggy clothes, pale skin, goatee, crackly-voice and excessive munchies (he and Scooby both). Judging from Shaggy's gaunt figure, I gather he also is into heroin. As Dave Letterman would say, he's "wacky on the junk". DEFINITIVE PROOF: Constant munchies by both Shaggy and Scooby; excessive giggles, the episode where Shaggy puts fish food on his sandwich Velma Possibly cocaine. Cocaine is (supposedly) a powerful aphrodisiac. The episode with Don Knotts comes to mind: After being trapped in a hole, Scooby finds a way out. Velma immediatly turns to Freddy, wraps her arms around his shoulders, and begins to lift her mouth to his.**I AM NOT MAKING THIS UP** Unfortunately, the shot cuts away and we are left with a sense of mystery deeper than the ones in the plots. I say speed because she looks like a worn out college student; her parents fought for her success, pushing her too far. She feels that she must impress her parents, but solving mysteries all night makes her exhausted, hence the use of speed. Daphne Diet pills. Have you ever seen how skinny the girl is? Perhaps cocaine as well, but this is based only on the fact that she is rich and wears a scarf. Freddy Cocaine. Most definitly. The clean cut image; the white sweater, blue pants, SCARF wore around neck, neatly combed hair and strong jaw all suggest that he is a major coke head. Freddy may also be a part time dealer, judging from the fact that none of the gang works, and yet they drive around in a conversion van with a custom paint job. Scooby and Shaggy always saw the ghosts long before anyone else saw them (if at all). Scooby and Shaggy were always getting frightened by their own reflections. Scooby and Shaggy always had the munchies. Always. Scooby and Shaggy always ate the same dog food (scooby snacks). AND wanted more! Shaggy always thought Scooby was talking to everyone, and yet Shaggy was the only one who could understand what Scooby was saying. The monsters could only groan unintelligibly, but Scrappy spoke near-perfect english (even better than shaggy). Scrappy had just a little too much energy all of the time. Yes, scrappy doo was on speed. They would dress up in costumes to evade the monster. Scooby and Shaggy always fell into the trap that was intended for the monster - even though they knew it was there. The monster chase scenes were always to some hippie-dope-smoking-rock-music, much like a music video. Music that even the BeeGees would not sing. The Gang believed that the monsters existed up until they found a clue to prove that the monster was not real. NOT the other way 'round! The Gang could run into one door, and appear out of another ACROSS the hall. The groovy sound effects. Fred was always too happy and smiled too much. Anyone watching knew who the bad guy was in the first 5 minutes of the show. It took them half an hour to figure it out. Shaggy always said "like" one too many times in every sentence. Shaggy used words that would only make sense to an impaired person - "Like, ZOIKS, Scoob, let's get outta here!!" Velma always said "Jinkies".....but somehow, it made perfect sense..... Scooby and Shaggy were always the ones in the back of the van. The Gang drove around in a sixties-hippie-dope-smoking peace mobile that they named the MYSTERY MACHINE. Could you ride in that and NOT be high as a kite? Shaggy and Scooby were always giggly and laughing uncontrollably. Shaggy and Scooby frequently had the shakes. Just LOOK at Shaggy - the clothes, the goatee, the haircut... Only Daphne ever changed clothes. No one else. And Scooby ran around naked. It took The Gang a WHOLE episode to figure out that "Old Man Withurs" did it (I mean, how obvious was THAT?!?) Not only that, but they all acted SURPRISED when they unmasked him! There was always a lot of fog. They were always willing to spend the night in a Haunted House. Repeatedly. Most of "The Gang's" waking hours occurred after dark. Scooby once actually "cut thick fog with a knife" and ate it. Scooby also once took two trash can lids, and flew like a bird with Shaggy on his back (the wolfman episode). The monsters appeared to glow brightly. When a monster was around, there was always this strange sound that eminated from the monster, yet no one noticed it. None of them were gainfully employed, they never accepted money for solving a mystery, yet they never were in need of money. Ever. (Although, I have been told that they did accept a job on a farm in one episode...) Just look at the guest stars......Don Knotts, the Three Stooges, and Phylis Diller (among others). If they were sober, the rest of them would've kicked out Velma long ago. They were, after all, "Just a bunch of meddling kids". Scooby would take a 3-foot sandwich, crush it and swallow it, and thenit would elongate in his throat (Sometimes sideways) but he never remembered anything the next time Scooby and Shaggy were willing to do anything for a Scooby snack. The more Scooby Snacks they ate the braver the got. Scooby-Dooby Doo [uses the word "dooby" in his own name] O If we had only known these things when we watched this cartoon as children...
