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Crystal Palace Preview


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Arsenal scalped. That leaves four more London clubs. Who is next? Crystal Palace is next, CP for short, Child Porn for long. 1st vs 15th. Lions v Eagles. Blue, scarlet and yellow; the Barcelona of London. Bazza Banna is Xavi if Xavi were a drink-driving Scot. Selhurst Park is home to Crystal Palace; a mixed bag for the Eagles. A 1-3 loss to West Ham, a 0-0 draw against Burnley and a 2-0 win against Leceister. The Eagles defeated Chelsea at Selhurst 1-0 last season (JT was the best striker on the pitch), while losing 2-1 at Stamford Bridge. This proves that the Eagles have more than what it takes to put Chelsea to the blade. However that is just pointless statistics and busywork. Chelsea are chest-out smashing teams left and right, and as Rafa would say “dish isn uh fakt”.


No fucking around here, no proverbial (or literal?) cocks in hand; Chelsea and José damn Mourinho mean business; anything less than 2 goals and a clean-sheet is a failure. Business was proven when Alexis Sanchez was made into a bitch, so it’s doubtful that the Wilifried Zaha can do any better. Aussie Skipperoo Mile Jedinak is great at kicking people and putting down that Aussie-Battle spirit but Nemanja Matic is twice his size and can throw down too, Serbian Steel. Expect a battle of grit, dirt and hard tackles. Hopefully Mile forgets to eat his six Weetbix (Brett Lee eats seven) and Vegemite toast the morning before. CP will have to keep it tight and organised otherwise the fleet feet of Hazard, Wilian and Fibreglass will tear them to shreds. They simply can not match Chelsea in any area of the pitch, they have to play smart and pick oppurtunities carefully. Are they capable of this? Maybe, but all it takes is a moment of idiocy to go a goal down. Neil Warnock is a pretty shit manager anyway, so I don't expect many surprises. No Tony Pulis to pull something out of his arse this time.


Neil Warnock looks like a goblin.

The goal potential just isn’t there for the Eagles. Frazier Campbell and Mile Jedinak share the scorers honours. Two goals each, 40% of the Eagles grand total of ten goals. Diego Costa has nine. Enough said about that. The defence isn’t fairing much better, two clean sheets in seven games, while letting in twelve goals. Not great but still better than Queens Park Rangers who have let in fifteen goals (personally I can’t wait to smash the cunts back to the Championship).

Much to the dismay of Eagle supporters the club would probably settle for a life of mid-table obscurity with the occasional challenge for Europa. On the other side of the coin, Chelsea supporters are a spoilt bunch and expect to win all the time and when the club doesn’t people freak out and threaten to burn down the Chelsea museum. A win is absolutely crucial for Chelsea’s marathon to the Premiership crown as Manchester City ready to pounce on any mistakes. Crystal Palace will probably settle for a cozy draw.

It’s been a while since club football was last played. Expectations are high, and if people don’t see their beloved Chelsea smash the Eagles to bits, I expect a lot of whinging from the Poms, whining from the Yanks and bitching from everyone else. My prediction is 4-0 because I play by my own rules. Let’s hope JT doesn’t have his shooting boots on.

One of few fuck-ups.

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