laxguy34

Just asked the boss what he wanted done with a 6' roll of bubblewrap.
He said ' Just pop it in the corner'.
Took me four fucking hours.

A Chelsea fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Gunners supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Arsenal jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.
One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.
Suddenly, the driver saw a Gunners supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Gunners supporter." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and Dave Lee Travis walk into an Irish bar.
"Oh, God" says the landlord "Not Yew Tree again"

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :
This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!
Wanted A tall well-built woman with good
reputation, who can cook frogs
legs, who appreciates a good fuc-
schia garden, classic music and tal-
king without getting too serious.
Interested?
Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;
still interested?
Call me at...... 8250-0327

I was trying to work out why the Liverpool fans weren't leaving at 3-0 last night.......then it hit me, they didn't have to go to work the next day.

What's the difference between a bucket of shit and the Spurs team? The bucket.
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I was playing Football Manager on my PC earlier when I got offered the West Ham job.
I knew they were a shit team, with poor footballers and no future, so I turned it down.
Then I put down the phone and got back to playing Football Manager.
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Players and staff from Spurs yesterday visited a hospital for Children with debilitating diseases.
"Looking at their poor little faces, It was inspiring. We can't stop thinking that if they believe that they can win, then we must believe too. And it's bracing to realise that there are poor people out there worse off than us and facing a long uphill struggle for the foreseeable future". Said Danny, aged 9.

Two deer walk out of a gay bar. One looks ashamed. His friend asks him what's wrong. He says, "I can't believe I blew 50 bucks in there."

"Santa: what do you want for Xmas?
Liverpool fan: I want a Dragon.
Santa: Come on be realistic.
Liverpool fan: ok, I want Liverpool to win the league.
Santa: What colour dragon do you want?"
LOL

Heard this from a stand up comedian and thought it was brilliant:
"The bonuses that bankers got after the economic crisis is like Ben Laden getting air miles for the 9/11!"

Some mornings I wake up bitchy.

Other mornings I let her sleep.