Joke Thread

[Lapo Blues 21]

This is a story of a king who has a very beautiful queen with very beautiful breasts.

This causes a dragon hunter warrior named Ahmed obsessed to hold the breasts, even though he knew the punishment is death if he ever dared to hold the queen's breasts.

But because it is so strong that desire, then it is expressed to Vikram who is the palace physician.

Vikram stated "I can give what you want as long as you give me 500 gold coins."

Ahmed agreed to the terms given by Vikram.

The next day Vikram dispensing itching powder and spread it to the queen's bra while she was taking a bath.

After the queen felt itching on her chest, the king is panicked and then summoned the royal physician, Vikram.

Vikram stated that the sick empress can only be cured by saliva for 4 hours and is based on research that the only perfect saliva is Ahmed the dragon hunter was the one with the saliva who had the antidote to cure it.

Because the king wanted the queen to recover so they brought Ahmed in, then Ahmed went up to the queen to wipe the drool and to lick the queen's breasts.
But previously Vikram has given the antidote to the Ahmed's tongue.

After 4 hours, Ahmed came out with a very satisfied face and even greeted as a hero.

At home, Vikram wanted to collect 500 gold coins htat was promised by Ahmed, but Ahmed declined and kicked him out of his house instead.

He thought Vikram would not dare to tell the truth to the king because he got involved.

Because disappointed with the attitude of Ahmed, the next day Vikram sprinkled itching powder Equal to the king's underwear, even with more dosages.

King called with itchy scratch to his cock: "Ahmed!!!"

Then Vikram approached Ahmed with a smile and whispered: "4 hours bro...? hahaha.

[Lapo Blues 21]

A little boy, Johnty came to the brothel. To the Mommy Pimp Dora, he said,

"I want to have sex with a whore". Dora said, "Get outta here, you're still a minor, little boy."

Johnty then took out a pack of money and showed the Pimp. With greed eyes, the pimp said, "Okay if you insist. What kind of whore do you want? "

"I want prostitutes that are exposed to syphilis" Johnty said, "Huh!? You’re joking apparently.

No! I'm serious", said the little boy.

"Well if you like it, as you wish," while she was calling Jenny the whore who had syphilis.

Then, after "playing" his tiny cock and he wanted to go home, suddenly the Pimp intercepted and asked the little boy:

"Wait a minute! It didn’t make sense to me if you're here looking for a whore I understand, but why look for the one affected with syphilis? "

"Why? That meant I was exposed to syphilis, right?"

"Oh, yes of course" said the pimp."

Then at home I will force my babysitter to have a sexual intercourse with me, and then she will be exposed to syphilis too, right? ", said the little boy,

"Yes"

"And the babysitter will have sex with the baker, he got syphilis too, right?"

"Yes, for sure"

Then, if the baker have sex with my mom, he will be exposed as well, right? "

"Oo it is clear"

And when mom having sex with my dad, he definitely got it too, right? "

"By itself so"

"Then, after my dad had sex with the gardener's wife, she contracted syphilis as well, right?"

"Yes, for sure"

And when the wife of the gardener will have sex with her husband, the gardener, then the gardener would certainly have had it, right? "

"Of course"

Johnty paused, then he said, "Yeah, that old prick just killed my hamster pet."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Jeff the Bellboy.............

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right!!..

[Lapo Blues 21]

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband:
"Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies:
" Kowanini ! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily:
"Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging:
"Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily:
"Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this –you don’t know Japanese.

You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....you need serious help!!!

Sometimes I worry about you.

[Lapo Blues 21]

Guy goes to doctors and says "Doc, I have a problem with my penis."


Doctor says "Tell me the problem."


Guy says "Well, basically every morning when the alarm clock goes off, my
missus jumps on me and rides me for a good half hour before I go for my
morning shower. When I'm drying myself off, the maid always manages to
sneak in and she sucks me off for about 10 minutes. When I manage to escape
and get on the train to work, the hot waitress at the buffet loves to have
a hard shag with me for at least 15 minutes after she's served the other
passengers. Once I've made my way to work, my secretary fucks me all
through lunch then leaves me to finish whatever work I have left to do
before I go home. On the train home the waitress is waiting for another
shag, I then head home for another blowjob from the maid and finally my
wife wants another session before bedtime."


Doc says "What's the problem?"


"It hurts when I wank."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she would like two
tattoos, one of Robert Redford on her left upper thigh, and one of Paul
Newman on her right thigh.

After hours of work the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in
between the woman's legs for her to view.

The woman says, "I don't know if these really look like Paul & Robert, and
I ain't paying for this if it isn't right!"

She tells the artist she will
go just outside the business and ask someone walking down the street if
they know who the two men are on her thighs, if they answer correctly she
would pay the artist.

She soon sees a man walking down the street, so she pulls up her skirt and
asks him, "Can you tell me who the man on my right thigh and the man on my
left thigh are?"

The man replies, "I dunno, but the one in the middle looks like Willie
Nelson."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

Chinese has some unique names:

Ho Lee Fuk

Yung Thin Ho

Lik Mai Dong


............and if you call them in order:


Ho Lee Fuk, (a) Yung Thin Ho, (just) Lik Mai Dong.

[Lapo Blues 21]

A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

As Cinderella fled the ball she left a glass slipper,

"I shall find the woman who this slipper fits and marry her, " he said to his aide.

"Sire, " shouted his aide, "there is this as well. " and he shown the prince the smallest dildo in the world.

"Ok, fuck the slipper, " said the prince, "lets find the woman this fits instead. "

[Lapo Blues 21]

Koni, "So how did the procedure go Doc?"

"Well there is good news and bad news'

I am pleased to tell you that the biopsy of

the redness on your penis was not cancerous

but just lipstick, I do however deeply regret the amputation."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

[Lapo Blues 21]

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[Lapo Blues 21]

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

[Lapo Blues 21]

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!