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Trashing the art created out of thin air by improvisational geniuses

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Bureaucratic nonsense, earlier.
camera.png Bureaucratic nonsense, earlier. Photograph: Henning Bagger/Ritzau Scanpix/AFP/Getty Images

Scott Murray


OLD FIVER YELLS AT CLOUD

Every generation comes up with a few new ideas that change the world and move things forward: the wheel, the steam engine, the printing press, this hot new “Dixieland jass”. Play it to The Fiver! Play it! But the innovations being made by this current generation are ballsing everything up big style. In January, Brexit will make 1970s Poland look like an episode of Supermarket Sweep. Digital streaming means the Original Dixieland Jass Band now only get paid 0.0000000000000000000001p per riff. Daily satirical emails are not as good as serious reportage. And then there’s VAR. We really have jiggered the entire effing lot, haven’t we. Planet’s gone. Well done, kids!

“I used to be one of the people who said VAR is a good idea,” Jürgen Klopp admitted on Wednesday night. “I’m really not sure if I would say that again to be honest.” Jürgen joins The Fiver’s club after a farcical Big Cup match in which both Midtjylland and Liverpool scored goals that looked perfectly good to the n@ked eye, only to be denied by some desk-bound bureaucratic nonentity who knows the price of everything but the value of nothing, and left 22 muscle-bound athletes standing in the freezing Danish winter night while he toiled away in the warmth of his deep-pile-carpeted office, in search of any reason to trash the art that had just been created out of thin air by improvisational geniuses, spoiling the enjoyment of millions. “But now we have it,” concluded Klopp, saying more with one sigh than The Fiver could in an entire overwritten paragraph.

The fact that both calls were technically right isn’t the issue and doesn’t negate the central thrust of the argument, as anyone debating this subject in good faith knows full well. “It just took too long,” Klopp concluded, “and it was cold for the boys which didn’t help.” In bygone times, Liverpool would have warmed themselves up after the match with several generous glasses of that limited-edition Christmas ale the Danes have that tastes like Newcastle Brown sieved through a sock, but modern sport science means they can’t even do that nowadays. There’s probably no putting that particular Julebryg genie back in the bottle, but could we at least cut the plug off the VAR box? That’s almost certainly not going to happen either, though, is it. A depressed Fiver puts on Tiger Rag in order to cheer itself up. Don’t spend your 0.0000000000000000000001p royalties all at once, Original Dixieland Jass Band!

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!

Join Barry Glendenning and Scott Murray from 5.55pm for white-knuckle clockwatch coverage of Thursday’s Big Vase action, featuring four British teams that have already qualified and two more that can’t.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“Goodbye Paolo Rossi, the unforgettable champion” – Italian prime minister Giuseppe Conte leads the tributes after the 1982 World Cup winner died at the age of 64.

RIP Paolo.
camera.png RIP Paolo. Photograph: Colorsport/Rex/Shutterstock

FIVER LETTERS

“Dear Fiver, here are the final 16 in Big Cup: four teams from Spain, four from Germany, three from England, three from Italy, PSG and Porto. Here is the number of teams not from Spain, Germany, England or Italy to win Big Cup in the last 25 years: one (Porto, 2004). It turns out the European Superleague already exists. Uefa just needs to figure out how to replace Porto with Ole Gunnar Solskjær’s free-form jazz collective (yesterday’s Fiver), and we’ll be all set” – Ursolin Waxoh.

“David Carr is quite right to note Neil Warnock’s near-Mourinho level of mind-gamery (yesterday’s Fiver letters). My observation was merely intended to badger Stoke for the state of the loos at a major professional sports arena. But to learn that it was actually a sunny afternoon – not a cold and windy night – that generated such an offensive smell suggests they’ve got an even more serious plumbing problem than originally thought” – Mike Wilner.

Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Ursolin Waxoh.

RECOMMENDED SHOPPING

Available at our print shop now, Tom Jenkins’s pictures of the past decade. There’s also this Gazza picture there too.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Antonio Conte is in a predictable funk after Inter crashed out of Big Cup and failed to even make Big Vase after a 0-0 draw with Shakhtar. “Throughout [Big Cup], we have been unlucky with referees and VAR,” he fumed. “Now that we are out, I feel I have to say this. It seems to me that Inter have not been respected, if you go back and look at the situations that have not been reviewed or evaluated.”

Easy there, Steven Taylor.
camera.png Easy there, Steven Taylor. Photograph: Jonathan Moscrop/Getty Images

Real Madrid’s Zinedine Zidane can’t see himself emulating Lord Ferg at Manchester United and staying for the long, long haul. “I will never be Madrid’s Ferguson, I’m sure of that,” he tooted after his team beat Borussia Mönchengladbach 2-0 to reach the last 16 of Big Cup, despite recent defeats. “What I really want is to enjoy what I’m doing, I don’t know for how long I will stay here so I don’t even think about it.”

Here are still the Belgians! Bobby M’s team have topped Fifa’s world rankings for a third straight year.

Having recalled him ahead of schedule for the north London derby, Arsenal will now be without Thomas Partey for the next few matches after a new case of thigh-gah. “In football you have a lot of unpredictable actions,” sighed Mikel Arteta. Some more so than others, clearly.

And Morecambe fan Cliff Crabtree, 90, got a birthday surprise after the team bus stopped at his house on their way home from last weekend’s game at Newport. “It was a complete surprise for him,” said Cliff’s son, Martin. “About 20 friends and family also stood outside his house, and the coach pulled up, and the manager and club captain presented him with a card and mug and scarf.”

STILL WANT MORE?

Classic YouTube features a tribute to Paolo Rossi, a Manchester derby preview and some acrobatic somersault throw-ins.

Our all-singing-and-dancing interactive of the 100 best female footballers in 2020 has reached the base camp of 11th, with the top 10 to be revealed on Friday.

Onwards.
camera.png Onwards. Illustration: Guardian Design

Ranked 51st is Caitlin Foord, star for both Arsenal and Australia, and she’s been talking about overcoming flamin’ potentially career-threatening knack in 2018.

Manchester United are out of Big Cup and Jonathan Liew is not one to miss a chance to dish out some well-deserved blame.

Dani Garavelli has written on the eeriness of young players starting their careers in empty stadiums.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

‘THE MOST THREATENING AURA IN THE VIP LOUNGE’

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Another of his world-famous man-management masterclasses

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José Mourinho
camera.png José Mourinho, emphatically killing Gareth Bale’s buzz. Photograph: Julian Finney/Getty Images

Scott Murray


EU ADDIO

That risible scruffy indolent piece of work – you know the one – may be in the process of getting the back seat of his crumpled trousers handed to him in Brussels, but not all current British interaction with our continental cousins is a thoroughly avoidable embarrassment unfolding in real time and we’d all better get used to bread’n’spread for tea. Take our involvement in Big Vase, which last night was an across-the-board triumph. Leicester, Pope’s Newc O’Rangers and Arsenal all strolled to impressive victories, while the Queen’s Celtic won a five-goal thriller that, while too late to save their skin in Europe, should give the team a timely confidence boost as they prepare to reboot their 10-in-a-row challenge, and also gives Neil Lennon a stay of execution. Swings and roundabouts, then.

Spurs also recorded a welcome victory, on an evening that saw José Mourinho put on another of his world-famous man-management masterclasses. The deadlock against Antwerp was broken on the hour when Gareth Bale crashed a free-kick against the frame of the goal and Carlos Vinícius knocked in the rebound. Both players were immediately hauled off, unable to build on the moment and give their stop-start careers a further boost. Not allowed. Harry Winks was also withdrawn, and responded to his substitution by flouncing down the tunnel in the theatrical style, sending out a message to rumoured suitors Everton. That message being: it’ll work out better than the time you bought Vinny Samways, promise. It has to.

Everton are also reportedly interested in Dele Alli, who like Winks before him appeared to signal his discontent by conspicuously chipping off after Mourinho called up the last of his subs and it became clear the 24-year-old midfielder wasn’t going to get on. Alli has served up either a goal or an assist in every other game he’s played for Spurs, but José doesn’t appear particularly enamoured and on Thursday night shrugged insouciantly when explaining that it is “impossible” to keep all of his players happy. A parting of the ways seems inevitable, though Alli may be more interested in a potential loan move to Paris Saint-Germain next month. And who could blame him? An opportunity to win Ligue 1, perhaps Big Cup as well, and a guaranteed supply of food and drink from the world’s largest single market! Chances are, come the new year, we’ll be looking across the Channel at Alli in slack-jawed envy as we make the most of our minor Big Vase successes, and our weekly crusts-and-dripping treat.

LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE

Join Scott Murray for hot MBM coverage of Leeds 2-3 West Ham at 8pm GMT.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

“I feel we’re getting better and better and looking more like a Man Utd team that I want” – Ole Gunnar Solskjær might want to hold on to some of his opinions until after the Manchester derby.

Ole Gunnar Solskjær
camera.png Big Vase won’t know what’s hit it. Photograph: Murad Sezer/Reuters

RECOMMENDED RANKING

It’s the final countdown! Our groovy interactive of the 100 best female footballers in 2020 has reached No1, so click here to see who won. And you can listen to an extra special bonus Football Weekly podcast counting down from 10 to one.

Top 100
camera.png Yeah, so this gives it away a bit. Illustration: Guardian Design

FIVER LETTERS

“Ah Jürgen, there was indeed a time when you supported VAR (Thursday’s Bits and Bobs). That time was in the first minute of the Champions League final in 2019 when your team was granted a bonus goal to set you on your way. Short memory indeed” – Andrew Walker.

“I’m probably one of 1,057 trying to figure out who the Big Vase’s ‘four British teams that have already qualified and two more that can’t’ are from yesterday’s ‘LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE!’. Spurs, Leicester, Pope’s O’Rangers and Arsenal all made it, and the Queen’s Celtic flopped miserably, so who is the second British team that didn’t make it? Qarabag? Lech Poznan? Or … Dundalk, the Republic O’ Ireland’s representative? I can see why you’d want to claim them. They did score an impressive eight goals (more than any team in Group F managed), even if their zero points isn’t quite as admirable. The Brits. Never not at it” – Stephen Glennon (and 1,056 others).

Send your letters to [email protected]. And you can always tweet The Fiver via @guardian_sport. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day prize is … Andrew Walker.

RECOMMENDED SHOPPING

Available at our print shop now, Tom Jenkins’s pictures of the past decade. There’s also this Gazza picture there too.

NEWS, BITS AND BOBS

Don’t ask José Mourinho to compare Harry Kane and Son Heung-min. “I don’t like to compare players, and some weeks ago I saw in some special media like I had chosen my all-time team,” he Trumped. “It’s completely fake.” Do ask him about his manager-of-the-month gong, though.

Steve Bruce has revealed two members of Newcastle’s non-playing staff are “poorly” after contracting coronavirus last week and a “big chunk” of his players are unavailable to face West Brom.

Many transfers are pure filth, an unpublished report has found.

Raúl Jiménez returned to the Wolves training ground this week after successfully undergoing surgery on a fractured skull, and manager Nuno Espírito Santo said it was “good to see him smiling” but no timeframe will be put on his return.

Alisson is in contention to face Fulham with Liverpool on Sunday after recovering from shoulder-knack.

James/Hames/Jamez Rodríguez is out of the Everton squad for the Chelsea match after suffering calf-knack.

And Jens Lehmann appears to think that Arsenal’s Class of 2020 are ruining all of his top, top marketing work. “All of us old players would try to help and make the Arsenal brand strong and big,” he blathered. “We are very disappointed because the brand name is deteriorating, and you simply cannot let that happen.”

Jens Lehman
camera.png Jens Lehmann, building the brand. Photograph: Tom Jenkins/The Guardian

STILL WANT MORE?

Italy’s World Cup hero whose quick feet earned redemption. Nicky Bandini pays tribute to Paolo Rossi.

“Now it’s the girls’ dream”: Mara Gómez on becoming Argentina’s first trans footballer.

Ben Chilwell chews the fat with Jacob Steinberg about Chelsea’s parallels with Leicester’s title winners and ending up in his role as a left-back by accident.

Ole Gunnar Solskjær is haunted by Mauricio Pochettino’s ghost amid his Old Trafford high-wire act, reckons David Hytner.

The weekend doesn’t start until you’ve read 10 things to look out for in the Premier League.

Everton’s Ben Godfrey tells Andy Hunter about his mission to prove people wrong.

Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!

IT’S TIME TO PARTY

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2020-21 English Premier League

Leeds United                     357.png&h=100&scale=crop&w=100&location=origin
West Ham United              371.png&h=100&scale=crop&w=100&location=origin

http://www.sportnews.to/sports/2020/premier-league-leeds-united-vs-west-ham-united-s1/

https://www.totalsportek.com/west-ham-epl/

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The Telegraph

Friday December 11 2020

Football Nerd

Andre-Frank Zambo Anguissa: the player giving Fulham a chance of survival?

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By Daniel Zeqiri

 

Central midfielders who can dribble are among the most valuable players in football - just think of how Paul Gascoigne, Patrick Vieira or Andres Iniesta are lionised years after they stopped playing.

Fulham might just have found their own version of this rare beast, with Andre-Frank Zambo Anguissa completing more dribbles this season than any player in the Premier League. Yes, more than Adama Traore or Jack Grealish.

With Anguissa also ranking highly for tackles made, it is easy to see why his midfielder performances have caught the eye during a run of games in which Fulham have been far more competitive.

Scott Parker's team were written off in the season's early weeks, but head into festive schedule outside the relegation zone.

For this week's Football Nerd, I've analysed Anguissa's importance to their team and his unusual statistics.

Want more sport in your inbox? Sign up to receive our Manchester United, Liverpool, Chelsea and Arsenal newsletters

 

A Telegraph Sport subscription is only £1 a week, or £40 for 12 months

 
 

Telegraph Football: the best of this week's coverage

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Manchester derby combined XI: How many United players make the grade?

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Ralph Hasenhuttl interview: Piano practice, pressing and how playing without fans helped Southampton

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Matt Law: Why Mauricio Pochettino is the right man to re-energise broken Man Utd

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John Barnes column: I stand by my view over race row – despite the backlash

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Michael O’Neill interview: ‘Stoke have a much better mindset than when I started’

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This week's screamer

 

"Arsenal have fallen into that classic trap of trying to have their cake and eat it, believing they could build for the future while enjoying immediate success. Perhaps the FA Cup win seduced them into that."

Jamie Carragher on why Arsenal need to give Mikel Arteta time but their muddled recruitment could handicap him

 
 

This week's best stat

 

16
Number of Premier League appearances Raheem Sterling has made against Manchester United without scoring.

 
 

The week in a picture

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CREDIT: GETTY IMAGES

PSG and Istanbul Basaksehir players take the knee before their restart after they walked off in protest over allegations an official had racially abused a coach the night before.

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Pogba (via his agent) basically came out and took a figurative dump on the club and Solskjaer. And not for the first time. Yet Oli doesn't have the balls to drop him and continues to play him.

Basically telling the world that Pogba is bigger than the club. Pretty embarrassing for them.

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1 minute ago, Pizy said:

Pogba (via his agent) basically came out and took a figurative dump on the club and Solskjaer. And not for the first time. Yet Oli doesn't have the balls to drop him and continues to play him.

Basically telling the world that Pogba is bigger than the club. Pretty embarrassing for them.

Yeah just saw how livid udt fans are at redcafe over this...embarrassing as you mentioned.

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