MT&AHC #4 - Ivanovic questioned over steroid use

[BlueLion. 21,491]

My Two-And-A-Half Cents is a column written by TalkChelsea administrator Alex Hinsley. A satirical look at happenings surrounding Chelsea Football Club, it must be stated that any views stated in this column are most definitely my own, and in no way reflect upon TalkChelsea.net, Chelsea FC, or any affiliates.

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Behold! Costa raised from the dead to lead demolition of Everton

Diego Costa last night confounded the doctors who had ruled him out for six weeks with a hamstring injury.

Costa played a pivotal role in Chelsea's 6-3 win at Goodison Park, netting twice and pissing off some 34,000 Evertonians.

Costa in action at Goodison Park yesterday.

The Spain international's rapid progress is testament to the miracles of modern medicine.

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Red-faced Arsenal "withdraw" Loic Remy interest - AFTER he agrees to join Chelsea

If you'd have thought a club whose only senior striker is as-good-as-gonorrhoea Yaya Sanogo couldn't look any more ridiculous, you'd be mistaken.

Arsene Wenger's Arsenal have again covered themselves in transfer window glory after Loic Remy today decided to join Chelsea over the Gunners.

Remy was linked with Wenger's side earlier in the summer window, and their interest was again sparked after an injury to Olivier Giroud resulted in Wenger joining the Blues in activating Remy's release clause at former clubs Queen's Park Rangers - without realising the deal was already as good as done, according to Rangers boss Harry Redknapp.

That embarrassing realisation later led to the Gunners "withdrawing" their interest in the striker earlier this morning.

Arsenal will feel doubly gutted to miss out on signing the Frenchman. As well as surely bolstering their limp forward line, Remy represents a perfect Christmas merchandising opportunity - indeed, the Loic Remy tea-tray would have been a top seller thanks to its ability to carry ten mugs.

It would seem that Remy has decided to opt for competing with Didier Drogba and Diego Costa for a starting berth at Stamford Bridge and the promise of a silver-lined season over Arsenal's offer of Champions League qualifiers every August.

Remy has also decided on working with José Mourinho over a manager who can't zip up his own coat - the same manager who chose not to re-sign Cesc Fabregas (3 games, 4 assists) because he already has £42 million man Mesut Ozil (3 games, 0 assists, 1 unbelievably good impression of a reptile)...

Remy replaces the outgoing Fernando Torres, who has proven as useful as a split condom in his time with the Blues to join AC Milan, the world-renown care home for the elderly and the infirm.

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Sour grapes endemic sweeps across Merseyside

Everton manager Roberto Martinez has been hospitalised with a serious case of sour grapes, the BBC reported this morning.

Speaking after his side's spanking at the hands of Mourinho's men, Martinez claimed that Chelsea striker Diego Costa "lacked respect" after mocking Seamus Coleman over his comical own goal.

Costa, who netted twice as the Blues maintained their 100% start to the season, had been the victim of obvious baiting by Coleman and a number of other Everton players prior to the Irishman putting the ball past his own keeper, Tim Howard.

Costa's reaction was met with hostility by the Toffees goalkeeper, who seemingly had something of a death wish yesterday afternoon.

After he should have been sent off for handling outside his own box, Howard grabbed Costa - a man with a penchant for headbutting people he doesn't like - by the neck before then putting his head into the face of Azpilicueta, right in front of referee John Moss.

It capped a woeful day for the USA international, who, on evidence of this game, would have had trouble saving a Microsoft Word document let alone any of Chelsea's half-dozen goals.

The only thing "disrespectful" about Costa is the fact that he's ripping Premier League defenders a new arsehole - left, right and centre.

Coming from the manager of a team who has players deliberately stamp on people, Martinez is throwing stones from a glass house.

Martinez and any other Everton fan who feels hard done-by can ring a specialist helpline to discuss the trauma of yesterday's drubbing on 0800 636363.

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Branislav Ivanovic arrested for steroid use

Chelsea insiders have revealed that Serbian defender Branislav Ivanovic has been detained and questioned by the Metropolitan Police over alleged steroid abuse.

Ivanovic, who at times last season was a walking disaster at right-back, has been accused of using banned substances after a series of stunning showings at the start of this season.

The summer arrival of Filipe Luis from Atletico Madrid led many to believe that Cesar Azpilicueta would revert to his more natural right-back position, with Ivanovic left out of the side completely.

But two goals and three magnificent performances into the new season, suspicions were confirmed when the Serbian was escorted away from Goodison Park yesterday evening in police custody.

Across Merseyside, Liverpool fans are dubbing new left-back Alberto Moreno the "new John-Arne Riise" after his brilliant goal in their 3-0 win over Tottenham today.

If that means Moreno is on hand to do something like this, then Chelsea fans will be happy:

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[didierforever 7,349]

i missed these!!!!

i still crack up when i remember that blackman and hilario joke.

[BleedsBlue 1,549]

The title scared me for a second.

[Myself 793]

phew, you scared me for a second when you said ivanovic got arrested

[Sidzeret 2,257]

"As good as gonorrhea"

*trying to keep a straight face*

[Stingray 9,441]

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Cheers guys. Had a bit of a weird week, not sure what over but I've been feeling a bit anxious and worked up about things and this was a nice way of relieving that. Appreciate you reading and commenting, it means a lot.

[Jase 43,479]

OMGOSH! IT'S BACK!! IT'S REALLY BACK!!!

[BlueLion. 21,491]

OMGOSH! IT'S BACK!! IT'S REALLY BACK!!!

I doubt I'll ever top the first one (Blackman versus Hilario was genius ) but this is definitely the best out of #2, #3 and #4!

[Muzchap 8,966]

Lmao Remy Tea Tray - nice work dude

The others are great too!

Moreno - yeah let's see how well he does against a real team

Even I would look good playing against the Spuds - them and Utd to be relegated - lol

[The Skipper 20,593]

Please do more of these Alex, hilarious stuff

[Barbara 15,149]

Absolutely priceless, Lex.

You should add a link to the older ones so we can go to memory lane and have a good laugh with those too.

This is absolutely hilarious.

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Please do more of these Alex, hilarious stuff

I'll try and do it more frequently

Absolutely priceless, Lex.

You should add a link to the older ones so we can go to memory lane and have a good laugh with those too.

This is absolutely hilarious.

Thanks B!

#3 - http://forum.talkchelsea.net/topic/17724-mt-ahc-3-chelseas-costa-coffee-coup-under-threat

#2 - http://forum.talkchelsea.net/topic/16551-mt-ahc-2-bieber-impresses-on-usa-tour-duty/#entry733376

#1 - http://forum.talkchelsea.net/topic/16544-mt-ahc-1-the-toils-of-tancredi-palmeri-and-the-twitter-trolls

#1 is probably the best of the four, I reckon?