Spike's Transfers Out!

[Spike 12,049]

We are a sentimental bunch, no really we are. More so than other clubs, we don't know when to say goodbye to our players. I like a lot of these players but a lot just don't fit into the future's grand scheme of things.

OUT!

Florent Malouda

Wel this is a no brainer. Why is he here? Why am I here? What's the meaning of life? These are probably questions that come to you in the shower but since you don't have a pen you can't right them down so inevitably they are forgotten. Much like Malouda, the forgotten Frog with terrible fashion sense. Malouda probably wonders what happened. Well I'll tell you Mr Malouda. He aren't needed, you were put up for sale last season, so how you don't understand this, I'll never know. Now, I know some of you think he is the new Bogarde, but that's unfair. I honestly believe that he thought he was going to contribute to this season, he wants to keep his place in Les Bleus for Brasil '14.

Conslusion: Au revoir, Monsieur Malouda. Salut! Don't forget your final paycheck!

Michael Essien

What happened? His knees happened, that's what. Why he is at Real Madrid? I have no clue. Why would we as supporters want him? We wouldn't, except for sentimentality. He isn't that old and should have a few years left...but the Bison is dead, shot dead at the knee caps. He has nothing left to offer that is special anymore. And it's sad to because he was hands down the best box-to-box player of the modern era. He could do it all; defend, attack, and show up for the big games. Never again we will see the bison.

Conclusion: Unless someone is willing to lend him a new knee cap, Essien is outta here!

Paulo Ferreira

This one hurts. He is Paulo Motherfucking Ferreira, how can I say this? He looks like George Clooney and I bet is twice as suave. He isn't a high earner, but regardless he just doesn't get the game time to justify 40K p/w. He is close to retiring so I can understand he is stays another year. The dream is that he retires soon and becomes a coach here, but that's a dream and realistically, it's probably better for both parties to part ways.

Conclusion: A final season back in Portugal maybe?

Yossi Benayoun

It's clear that he mates with Benitez because before the ex-Liverpool boss came to town, it was painfully obvious that he was surplus to requirements. Loans to Arsenal and West Ham spell this out. Get him out of here ASAP - nothing against you Yossi, but you can be replaced by a young up and comer.

Conclusion: Goodbye Yossi! Have fun in Spain or Israel or wherever.

Marko Marin

As much as I thought he was going to work out, he just isn't. Has no final decision, he can't pick a pass, cross, shot or anything. There is a reason that Werder sold him only 3/4 of the way through the season. He is rubbish, failed me beyond all my expectations.

Conclusion: Back to Deutschland for you Marko! Maybe some hack team will take a gamble on you.

Ross Turnbull and Hilarious Hilario

I'm far too lazy to write about both of these two. What do they offer us except for heart attacks? That is all.

Conclusion: nPower Championship and retirement respectively.

Gael Kakuta
Bye bye. You'll never make it lad, your like a headless rooster, running around dribbling with no real end game. Much like Marin in the respect. Despite the circle jerks over him when he was a teenager he has turned out like so many wasted talents.

Conclusion: Ligue Un? Ligue Deux?

Branislav Ivanovic

Yeah, that's right. Bane. I don't think he is up to standard. He has purple patches but he doesn't look comfortable as a CB or a RB and that's just not good enough for me. I suppose he could play as a cover but personally I think a replacement is ideal. I like him I really do, but I think his standards are dropping fast. He was such a beast in 09/10 and was solid in 10/11 but since then he has really dropped a few notches.

Conclusion: He still a good player and he'd end up a great club in Germany or somewhere.

EDIT: I forgot some players that I intended to write up.

Fernando Torres

Damn this guy all to hell. He looks class against shite teams like Rubin and QPR and puts in a decent shift concerning work ethic but he is output is not at the level of 50 million and almost 200k p/w. If he cost 10 million and was on 50k p/w and I'd reconsider but as of now, he isn't putting in the performances justifying his wages. Sadly I don't believe he will reach form and I believe he will stay. He isn't the man to win Chelsea trophies.

Conclusion: Needs to leave ASAP but won't because there are potential buyers.

Ashley Cole or Ryan Bertrand

I think either Cole or Bertrand need to leave with Luke Shaw coming in. Cole is still good but deteriorating fast. I don't think his ankle is handling all his playing time very well. If I'm not mistaken he has been nursing a slightly dodge ankle ever since his Arsenal days. But Cole should only leave if a substantial offer from PSG or Madrid is put on the table. Bertrand on the other hand is solid, not great, already Shaw has surpassed him. Bertrand has put in some amazing displays like Arsenal for instance, but he just hasn't had enough playing time for everyone to gauge what his average performance level is.

Conclusion: Next season, it needs to be either Cole and Shaw or Bertrand and Shaw. I'm leaning towards Cole and Shaw.

And to top it off Ramires should be a utility player not a guaranteed starter. His passing and technique are crazy inconsistent. However his pace and work rate are irreplaceable, so I don't think he should be sold.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

I have one question for you: Why is Iva's "conclusion" the only one that's bolded?

Seriously though, other than the last one, you practically said what we were all thinking. Can't argue with any of that. As for Iva, I actually thought he should leave last summer when we got a good offer for him (can't remember from whom though). I think I agree with you, but not for the reasons you mentioned because all of our CBs have lacked consistency this season, but because he's what? 29 now? He's only going to get worse from here and he's actually highly rated outside the club so we can easily get a very good price for him.

PS: I did not give you rep because of the tag

[Spike 12,049]

I have one question for you: Why is Iva's "conclusion" the only one that's bolded?

Seriously though, other than the last one, you practically said what we were all thinking. Can't argue with any of that. As for Iva, I actually thought he should leave last summer when we got a good offer for him (can't remember from whom though). I think I agree with you, but not for the reasons you mentioned because all of our CBs have lacked consistency this season, but because he's what? 29 now? He's only going to get worse from here and he's actually highly rated outside the club so we can easily get a very good price for him.

PS: I did not give you rep because of the tag

It's bolded because it was an accident. You don't agree with my reasons for Ivan when you state one that exactly like mine? I said he was getting worse and so did you...

You're losing it too Cho Cho!

[CHOULO19 24,332]

It's bolded because it was an accident. You don't agree with my reasons for Ivan when you state one that exactly like mine? I said he was getting worse and so did you...

You're losing it too Cho Cho!

I don't agree with the part that he hasn't looked comfortable in defense. I think he had some great games for us as well as some bad games this season. But he's still currently a top defender, imo. But I think he'll get worse in the next few seasons which is why we should sell him and get a good deal for him now.

And you're just mad I didn't rep you

[Spike 12,049]

I don't agree with the part that he hasn't looked comfortable in defense. I think he had some great games for us as well as some bad games this season. But he's still currently a top defender, imo. But I think he'll get worse in the next few seasons which is why we should sell him and get a good deal for him now.

And you're just mad I didn't rep you

If I was mad you'd know. You'd know.

You'd know.

[Term-X 7,891]

Ivanovic becomes even more redundant if Wallace makes a good impression this summer. After loaning out so many players this season, and being short on numbers to the point where the likes of Bena-fucking-youn are dipping their toe into the first team. The board/new manager might consider keeping one or two youngsters next time around.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Ivanovic becomes even more redundant if Wallace makes a good impression this summer. After loaning out so many players this season, and being short on numbers to the point where the likes of Bena-fucking-youn are dipping their toe into the first team. The board/new manager might consider keeping one or two youngsters next time around.

There's also Omeru who the rumors keep saying that the board want him with the first team next season after his excellent performances in the AFCON. He too can play at both RB and CB.

[Strike 7,249]

Frank Lampard

It's time to move on from Mourinho's team

[Strike 7,249]

Branislav Ivanovic

Yeah, that's right. Bane. I don't think he is up to standard. He has purple patches but he doesn't look comfortable as a CB or a RB and that's just not good enough for me. I suppose he could play as a cover but personally I think a replacement is ideal. I like him I really do, but I think his standards are dropping fast. He was such a beast in 09/10 and was solid in 10/11 but since then he has really dropped a few notches.

Conclusion: He still a good player and he'd end up a great club in Germany or somewhere.

Agree.Branna has been shocking at RB. I remember Newcastle away this year. Just shocking

but he's done well at CB. especially next to Luiz. His standard has dropped but he's not past his expiry date yet. still 1-2 good years left in him

[Spike 12,049]

Frank Lampard

It's time to move on from Mourinho's team

I think that Lamps still has something to offer. He shouldn't be an undisputed starter, but Lamps can do a lot of damage to the type of teams that will give him a lot of time on the ball. He can still score goals, I say keep him as long as he puts in the back of the net. 14 goals this season is nothing to shake a stick at!

[Backstreet09 499]

Agree.Branna has been shocking at RB. I remember Newcastle away this year. Just shocking

but he's done well at CB. especially next to Luiz. His standard has dropped but he's not past his expiry date yet. still 1-2 good years left in him

Mayne, I know he'd be a good squad player, but we aready have Ramires, Cahill, Mikel, Moses etc, for the squad player thingy, and with the possible signings we'd pull, I don't think, we'd fit them all.

I reckon, we would have to sell Brana, Mikel, or maybe even Ramires to open space for a possible quality CB, a possible quality DM, KDB, Ake etc,

P.S, SPIKEY MATE YOU'RE A FUCKING LEGEND, 10000 reps for you c:

[Mufassir08 2,400]

Agree with all of those.

[Leif 6,006]

Stop bolding words just so you can get likes

But no seriously, I love you for having the balls to add Ivanovic to the list.

[bababoom 4,478]

Enjoyable post, but one question,

Why get rid of Ivanovic? he could be a great squad player for us, he's a decent RB and probably a better CB, we need players like him especially when the likes of Cahill and Terry get injured every month.

I also agree we need a new Defender, someone reliable ... at the moment all of our defenders are prone to errors, Terry (mainly because of his pace), Cahill, Ivan, and Luiz all make silly mistakes.

[Funkyflashman 187]

We are a sentimental bunch, no really we are. More so than other clubs, we don't know when to say goodbye to our players. I like a lot of these players but a lot just don't fit into the future's grand scheme of things.

OUT!

Florent Malouda

Wel this is a no brainer. Why is he here? Why am I here? What's the meaning of life? These are probably questions that come to you in the shower but since you don't have a pen you can't right them down so inevitably they are forgotten. Much like Malouda, the forgotten Frog with terrible fashion sense. Malouda probably wonders what happened. Well I'll tell you Mr Malouda. He aren't needed, you were put up for sale last season, so how you don't understand this, I'll never know. Now, I know some of you think he is the new Bogarde, but that's unfair. I honestly believe that he thought he was going to contribute to this season, he wants to keep his place in Les Bleus for Brasil '14.

Conslusion: Au revoir, Monsieur Malouda. Salut! Don't forget your final paycheck!

Michael Essien

What happened? His knees happened, that's what. Why he is at Real Madrid? I have no clue. Why would we as supporters want him? We wouldn't, except for sentimentality. He isn't that old and should have a few years left...but the Bison is dead, shot dead at the knee caps. He has nothing left to offer that is special anymore. And it's sad to because he was hands down the best box-to-box player of the modern era. He could do it all; defend, attack, and show up for the big games. Never again we will see the bison.

Conclusion: Unless someone is willing to lend him a new knee cap, Essien is outta here!

Paulo Ferreira

This one hurts. He is Paulo Motherfucking Ferreira, how can I say this? He looks like George Clooney and I bet is twice as suave. He isn't a high earner, but regardless he just doesn't get the game time to justify 40K p/w. He is close to retiring so I can understand he is stays another year. The dream is that he retires soon and becomes a coach here, but that's a dream and realistically, it's probably better for both parties to part ways.

Conclusion: A final season back in Portugal maybe?

Yossi Benayoun

It's clear that he mates with Benitez because before the ex-Liverpool boss came to town, it was painfully obvious that he was surplus to requirements. Loans to Arsenal and West Ham spell this out. Get him out of here ASAP - nothing against you Yossi, but you can be replaced by a young up and comer.

Conclusion: Goodbye Yossi! Have fun in Spain or Israel or wherever.

Marko Marin

As much as I thought he was going to work out, he just isn't. Has no final decision, he can't pick a pass, cross, shot or anything. There is a reason that Werder sold him only 3/4 of the way through the season. He is rubbish, failed me beyond all my expectations.

Conclusion: Back to Deutschland for you Marko! Maybe some hack team will take a gamble on you.

Ross Turnbull and Henrique Hilario

I'm far too lazy to write about both of these two. What do they offer us except for heart attacks? That is all.

Conclusion: nPower Championship and retirement respectively.

Gael Kauta

Bye bye. You'll never make it lad, your like a headless rooster, running around dribbling with no real end game. Much like Marin in the respect. Despite the circle jerks over him when he was a teenager he has turned out like so many wasted talents.

Conclusion: Ligue Un? Ligue Deux?

Branislav Ivanovic

Yeah, that's right. Bane. I don't think he is up to standard. He has purple patches but he doesn't look comfortable as a CB or a RB and that's just not good enough for me. I suppose he could play as a cover but personally I think a replacement is ideal. I like him I really do, but I think his standards are dropping fast. He was such a beast in 09/10 and was solid in 10/11 but since then he has really dropped a few notches.

Conclusion: He still a good player and he'd end up a great club in Germany or somewhere.

Love this, enjoy your 5000th rep Mr Spiegel

[yuvala 2,167]

dont know about Iva and Lamps .. to be fair there was no single defender this season who was consistent. Luiz? Cahill looked bad at times, Terry ? Azpi looks good but still cant tell.. only Cole on LB I can say that is solid most of the times.

So it wasnt the best of seasons for Iva, but I dont think we should give up on him just yet.. maybe the next manager can bring him back to his best, 29 is still not THAT old. Give him one more season and then if he screws up its time to say goodbye.

About Lamps - even though he is not the sharpest tool in the shed anymore, he can contribute to the game just by being on the pitch, giving example for the other players, especially the youngsters.. and its not that he has to play every game, he'll come on sometimes as a subtitute at games we're already winning, or start a few easy games.. we still need him as a LEGEND.

[Strike 7,249]

I think that Lamps still has something to offer. He shouldn't be an undisputed starter, but Lamps can do a lot of damage to the type of teams that will give him a lot of time on the ball. He can still score goals, I say keep him as long as he puts in the back of the net. 14 goals this season is nothing to shake a stick at!

He doesn't offer anything more than goals now. If he'll agree to a back-up role - something like Scholes/Giggs then it'd be great but he shouldn't have a big role at the club.

[NishC300 1,865]

Mayne, I know he'd be a good squad player, but we aready have Ramires, Cahill, Mikel, Moses etc, for the squad player thingy, and with the possible signings we'd pull, I don't think, we'd fit them all.

I reckon, we would have to sell Brana, Mikel, or maybe even Ramires to open space for a possible quality CB, a possible quality DM, KDB, Ake etc,

P.S, SPIKEY MATE YOU'RE A FUCKING LEGEND, 10000 reps for you c:

Sell Ramires? Mikel's our only holding midfielder.

Regarding Mr Spiegel's post I'm not so sure about the Ivanovic thing since I think he takes a very low salary so why would u want to sell him? I think he has 1 more year in him and after that I think we will still be able to sell him for a good price since Madrid rate him highly.

He doesn't offer anything more than goals now. If he'll agree to a back-up role - something like Scholes/Giggs then it'd be great but he shouldn't have a big role at the club.

I don't think he even has a big role currently. Lampard has loyalty to the club he will stay even if his wage is lowered. He can even play a huge role in helping youngsters too.