Iggy Doonican

Follow Marco Pierre Shite‏@Marco_P_Shite A flying insect just flew into my kitchen and exploded. I think it was a Jihaddy long legs.

Rooney equals Charlton’s record on stupid hair cuts Much to the delight of San Marino fans, Wayne Rooney put on a vintage display of ball skills and ‘comb-overs’ during their Euro 2016 qualifier. The England captain has now matched Sir Bobby Charlton’s distinguished career of covering up baldness, with a ‘head merkin that defies belief’. Waving to the crowd, Rooney smeared a range of salon products over his ‘shredded-wheat forest’, until it resembled something found down a plughole. Although many footballers have offered glimmers of dome brilliance, only Rooney has maintained a consistent level of gossamer concealment. However a strong breeze forced his peach fuzz to be substituted in the second half, for Harry Kane’s more resilient quiff. Despite this, Roy Hodgson was critical of the performance of Swansea midfielder Jonjo Shelvey, who ignored team orders by turning up with a ‘shaved noggin’. An FA spokesman said: ‘A bald pate is no excuse not to don a ridiculous wig. A cultured long passing game is all very well, but fans want to see a mullet, a Jason Lee pineapple or at very least – a Keegan perm’.

The De Bruyne Mourinho thing something just isn't right. I just can't see a young kid with limited experience knocking down the managers door demanding he should be playing. I doubt even a seasoned pro would do it either. You start laying down the law to someone like Mourinho your going to be out on your ear pretty sharpish. We've dropped a bollock letting him go there is no doubt especially when you end up paying nearly 90 million quid for Willian, Cuadrado, Salah and Schurlle although i liked Schurrle inconsistent yes but i think we should have kept him another season or at least till January.

Trips to Plymouth and Oldham then F.B. ha ha.

FROM THE POKE WEBSITE. The Syrian refugee crisis is complex and puzzling, with lots of factors that have to be taken into account. Fortunately, we have a class of people’s whose job it is to do just that. They will look at the angle from all sides, take into account myriad factors that we can’t even begin to comprehend, and then they will issue a pronouncement wiser and more humane than anything the general public could come up with on their own. Or at least they would, if anything they said turned out to be true. Because when you look back at it, it turns out that the only people who know less about what’s going on in Syria than us… is them. Politicians’ views range from ill-informed and self-serving to actively, destructively wrong, but fortunately for the world of comedy, that doesn’t stop them giving them. So strap in, and get settled for The Poke’s guide to Politicians V Facts in the Syrian refugee crisis. (by @Natt) 1. 2. 3. 4. 5. 6. 7. 8. 9.

Reminds me of the line from The Young Ones '' If we get bitten by a vampire we'd be dead yet still alive like Leonard Cohen''.

Yes there going to call themselves The Doomed.

No Kevin is coming over to London for a X Factor audition. He's going to sing The End by The Doors.

How can you go from potentially breaking the British transfer record for a defender to buying someone who plays for Reading it's just utterly bizarre. Hindsight is fine but surely the board must have known that after the first bid Everton were not going to budge. And we have to concede that if Man City were in for Stones it would be name your price we'll pay it. Lets be honest we don't come out well in the Stones saga. Everton obviously rate him and 20 million quid was peanuts to what they and remember there the selling club think he's worth in the current market. When John Terry was first establishing himself with the first team and had played a couple of times for England if Man United had come in with a two million bid for him what would we have said. This was before Roman and J,T. was probably our only saleable asset. Lamps wasn't established Eidur would have made a decent profit if we sold him but J.T. on the cheap in 2002-3 and Stones now well like it or not Everton and there fans think 20 million quid is cheap and when Sterling goes for 50 million who can blame them.

I was talking to this bloke in the pub last night i said to him '' Who do you support mate?''. Arsenal he replied, I said Sorry. He said again Arsenal, I said '' I heard you mate i'm just sorry.''

Papiss Mbouba Mbwiwa Abu Fuongo Baba Mison Djilobodj. Anyone going to buy a shirt and put his name on the back?.

To have a potential bid of 36 million plus for Stones to then buy with due respect to the geezer a non entity. I bet he's not even a household name in his own household. Like changing from buying from Harrods to Poundland.

The football is so predictable to the point of you now how the game is going to pan out from minute one. The back four pass the ball to each other for ages, one of them will make a ten yard burst and will either pass it square or give it to Fabregas. Fabregas then either plays a long ball to Costa who's being man marked by two centre backs and if he holds it up he has little or no support. Or Fabregas passes to Ivan who's cross never beats the first man. Ivan is then out of position leaving the opposition acres of space to break out. Hopefully Baba will at least bring some shape and solidity to the team with Dave moving back to right back. If Ivan plays against Everton (surely not !) then the rumblings of discontent will get louder and i can only see it ending one way.

Donald Trump’s hair finally runs off to seek a better life

Ha ha because i'm old !

Improve or get the sack oh the irony.

Too little to late Mak i'm afraid . The worse thing about today was and every man and woman who supports the blues knew that Ivan was the weak link. What did Pardew do let Zaha rip him a new one for an hour and then bring on Bolasie. What did Mourinho do? Take off Dave and bring on a 19 year old kid and play him out of position on his league debut

Past history is exactly what it is history and meaningless in the here and now If you honestly think we are on a par even in this early stage of the season with City then either your the worlds biggest optimist or you've had a serious bet on us winning the league.

I hope your right M.L. but something is not right something is simmering below the surface. Parallels have to be made between 2007 and now. Something's eating Mourinho he's been taciturn since the start of the season. In 2007 he had the likes of Sidwell and Pizarro foisted on him. Last pre season everyone bought and paid for well before the season started. This season the tug of war with Man U with Pedro which fair enough we won. The Stones fiasco and it was absolutely pointless putting a bid of 20 million for Stones Everton were always going to turn that down. So any subsequent bids Everton were always going to play hard ball. If the original bid was 30 million i think it would have been a done deal possibly 32 to 35 million max. As for Pogba well it's not going to happen end of story

What happened to day we were. Outplayed, Out thought, Out Run, Outclassed, Outmaneuvered, Outsung, (by those wannabe Ultras). Out to grass Fabregas, Cahill and Matic, Out on his ear Ivanovic, Out of the top four at the end of the season? Jose Out of a job if we are ? Outlandish?.

I can't help thinking of something else when i hear the words Kennedy and a good shot.

And the winner of the most bizarre post on Talk Chelsea 2015 is ^^^^

I have one really important and pressing question. What's a Pikachu?.