Joke Thread

[Special Juan 27,106]

I bought Alex Ferguson's autobiography, I thought I'd got to the end but 6 more pages appeared...

[Special Juan 27,106]

You know, I stayed up all night wondering when the sun went down. Then it dawned on me.

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I've just bought the British Gas advent calendar. Every time I open a door, a granny dies of hypothermia.

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[Special Juan 27,106]

This morning I ended up in a fight with a man dressed as a medieval poet, then at lunchtime almost choked to death on a German sausage...

Things have just gone from bard to wurst.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Man, I'm so broke, I'm thinking of starting a government!

[Special Juan 27,106]

I've just won the 'Most secretive person of the year' award.

I can't tell you what it means to me.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This one for Lukaku facts on Twitter really made me laugh:

Lukaku was caught wrestling an anaconda for 30 minutes. Then people realised he was just masturbating.

[Special Juan 27,106]

Bob and his mate are in Greggs. Bob's mate steals 3 pasties & puts them in his pocket then boasts to Bob "Yo did you See that? The staff never saw me"

Bob says "That's nothing, watch this". He says to the manager "Give me 3 pasties and I'll show you some magic".

He eats them all and the manager says "How is that magic?"

Bob says "check my mate's pocket"

[Special Juan 27,106]

Anti-virus pioneer John McAfee is wanted by police on murder charges. If they catch him, they estimate the trial could last 30 days

[Special Juan 27,106]

Just started a music band, we are called 999 megabytes........We don't have a gig yet

[Sidzeret 2,257]

@Special Juan Jerry Seinfield called- he wants his jokes back

[Special Juan 27,106]

When asked for their thoughts on Britain's number 1 diver announcing that he is gay...

Manchester United have pledged to fully support Ashley Young during this difficult time.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

I'm in love with the internet. It was love at first site..

(Sorry about that)

[Ainsley Harriott 2,732]

What's the name of a fish made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

[Starman60 1,343]

Is it True????????????????

Chelsea to sign Suarez !!!!!!!!!!!!

Deal can only be done if we offer Ivanovich as bait !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[Rmpr 8,977]

What's the name of a fish made out of two sodium atoms?

2 Na

Jesus Christ, just retire!

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Will Ferrel tweeted this:

I put my phone in "airplane mode" and threw it up into the air. It just fell and now my screen is cracked. Worst. Transformer. Ever .

[Special Juan 27,106]

When I was younger I was constantly bullied. Kids used to cover me in chocolate and throw berries at me.

It was tough growing up in the gateau.

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John Travolta has recently set-up his own pepper farm.

It's going well. He's got chillies, they're multiplying.

[Special Juan 27,106]

How did Mary and Joseph know Jesus weighed 7ib 6oz?

There was a weigh in the manger