Joke Thread

[Unionjack 7,531]

Mines about right apart fromgetting wobbly to early sometimes

Alcohol Horoscopes

ARIES (Mar 21- Apr 19)
Drinking style: Impulsive Aries people like to party and sometimes don't
know when to call it a night. Their competitive streak makes them prone
to closing-time shot contests. They're sloppy, fun drunks, and they get
mighty flirty after a couple tipples. Getting Aries people drunk is a
good way to get what you want out of them, should other methods fail.
Aries can become bellicose when blotto, but they will assume that
whatever happened should be forgiven (if not forgotten) by sunrise. They
can be counted on to do the same for you -- so long as you haven't gone
and done anything really horrible to them last night, you sneaky Gemini.


TAURUS (Apr 20 - May 20)
Drinking style: Taurus prefers to drink at a leisurely pace, aiming for
a mellow glow rather than a full-on zonk. Since a truly intoxicated
Taurus is a one-person stampede, the kind of bull-in-a-china-shop
inebriate who spills red wine on white carpets and tells fart jokes to
employers, the preference for wining and dining (or Bud and buddies) to
body shots and barfing is quite fortunate for the rest of us. This is
not to say that the Bull is by any means a teetotaler -- god, no. A
squiffy Taurus will get, er, gregarious (full of loudmouth soup, some
would say) and is extremely amusing to drag to a karaoke bar when
intoxicated.

GEMINI (May 21 - Jun 21)
Drinking style: Gemini's can drink without changing their behavior
much-- they're so naturally chatty and short-attention-spanned that it's
just hard to tell sometimes. They can amaze you by conversing with
finesse and allusion, then doing something unbelievable in an extremely
advanced state of intoxication, like puking in your shoe. Gemini's
possess the magic ability to flirt successfully (and uninfuriatingly,
which is very tricky) with several people at once. They like to order
different cocktails every round -- repetition is boring
-- and may create a theme (like yellow drinks: beer, sauvignon blanc and
limoncello) for their own amusement.

CANCER (Jun 22 - Jul 22)
Drinking style: Cancer is a comfort drinker -- and an extra wine with
dinner or an after-work beer or six can be extra comforting, can't it,
Cancer darling?
Like fellow water signs Scorpio and Pisces, Crabs must guard against
lushery. Cancers are brilliant at ferreting out secret parties and
insinuating themselves on VIP lists -- and, in true Hollywood style,
Cancers are never really drunk; instead, they get "tired and emotional"
(read: weepy when lubricated). But there's nothing better than swapping
stories (and spit) over a few bottles of inky red wine with your
favorite Cancer. Even your second-favorite Cancer will do. The sign also
rules the flavor vanilla, and you'd be adored if you served up a vanilla
vodka and soda.

LEO (Jul 23 - Aug 22)
Drinking style: Leo likes to drink and dance -- they' re often fabulous
dancers, and usually pretty good drinkers as well, losing their
commanding dignity and turning kittenish. Of course, they're quite aware
they're darling - Leos will be Leos, after all. They generally know
their limit, probably because they loathe losing self-control. When they
get over-refreshed, expect flirting to ensue -- and perhaps not with the
one who brought them. But Leo's not the type to break rules even when
drunk, so just try to ignore it (try harder, Cancer) and expect a
sheepish (and hung over) Lion to make it up to you the next day.

VIRGO (Aug 23 - Sept 22)
Drinking style: Cerebral Virgos are compelled to impose order onto their
bender. Their famously fussy quest for purity could lead to drinking
less than other signs, sure -- but it could also lead to drinking booze
neat, to sucking down organic wine or just to brand loyalty. They rarely
get fully shellacked -- but, oh, when they do! Virgo's controlled by the
intellect, but there's an unbridled beast lurking within, and they let
it loose when walloped. It's dead sexy (and surprisingly unsloppy). As
one Virgo friend used to declare, "I'm going to drink myself into a low
level of intelligence tonight." A toast to the subgenius IQ!

LIBRA (Sept 23 - Oct 23)
Drinking style: "I'm just a social drinker," slurs Libra, "it's just
that I'm so damn social." Libra loves nothing more than to party, mingle
and relate to everyone. Whether dipped in favor of Good Libra (with
Insta-Friend device set to "on") or heavier on the Evil Libra side (they
are little instigators when bored), the Scales can really work a room.
Charming as they are, Libras are notoriously lacking in self-control,
however, which can get them into all sorts of trouble -- including
wearing their wobbly boots waaaay too early in the evening, flirting
with their best friend's beau or even blacking out the night's events
entirely. Oops!

SCORPIO (Oct 24 - Nov 21)
Drinking style: Don't ever tell Scorpios they've had enough, for they'll
smirk at you and quietly but intentionally keep tippling till they're
hog-whimpering drunk, out of 100-proof spite. Scorpios like to drink,
and screw you if you have a problem with that. Most of them see the
sauce as something to savor in itself, and not as a personality-altering
tool - though if depressed, self-loathing Scorps seek total
obliteration. But generally, they're fascinating drinking pals,
brilliant conversationalists and dizzying flirts. They also remember
everything -- especially what you did when you were blitzed. Only drink
with a Scorpio who likes you!

SAGITTARIUS (Nov 22 - Dec 21)
Drinking style: In vino veritas -- and, for Sagittarius, in booze
blurtiness: When buttered, they'll spill all your secrets and many of
their own. Tactlessness aside, Sagittarius is just plain fun to drink
with. This is a sign of serious partying (what else would you expect
from the sign of Sinatra, Keith Richards, the Bush twins and Anna Nicole
Smith?). They're the people who chat up everyone in the room, then
persuade the entire crowd to travel somewhere else -- like a nightclub,
or a playgroun d, or Cancun. Good-natured hi-jinks are sure to ensue
(including a high possibility of loopy groping; spontaneous Sag is a
brilliant booty call).

CAPRICORN (Dec 22 - Jan 19)
Drinking style: Capricorn is usually described as practical,
steadfast,money-hungry and status-thirsty -- no wonder they get left off
the astrological cocktail-party list. But this is the sign of David
Bowie and An nie Lennox, not to mention Elvis. Capricorn is the true
rock star: independent, powerful and seriously charismatic, not too
eager to please. And if they make money being themselves, who are you to
quibble? But just like most rock stars, they're either totally on or
totally off, and they generally need a little social lubricant to loosen
up and enjoy the after party, especially if they can hook up with a cute
groupie.

AQUARIUS (Jan 20 - Feb 18)
Drinking style: Aquarius and drinking don't go together that well
(except for water, that is). They have an innate tendency toward
know-it-allism, and if they get an idea while sizzled, they're more
stubborn than a stain or a stone. If they're throwing a party or
organizing an outing, however, they're too preoccupied with their duties
to get combative and they make perfectly charming drunks in that case.
Fortunately, they're usually capital drink-nursers. They also make the
best designated drivers (if you can get them before they start raising
their wrist) Aquarius is fascinated by drunk people and capable of
holding interesting conversations with soused strangers while sober.

PISCES (Feb 19 - Mar 20)
Drinking style: If you're a Pisces, you've probably already heard that
you share a sign and an addictive personality -- with Liz Taylor, Liza
Minelli and Kurt Cobain. Not only do Pisces like to lose themselves in
the dreamy, out-there feeling that only h ooch can give, but they build
up a mighty tolerance fast. Who needs an expensive date like that? On
the other hand, they're fabulously enchanting partners, whether in
conversation or in crime. With the right Pisces, you can start out
sharing a pitcher of margaritas and wind up in bed together for days.
The phrase "addictive personality" can be read two ways you know

[Unionjack 7,531]

Ive had this awhile but some still make me spit my morning cuppa all over my monitor!

25 things to do in an elevator

1) When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2)Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3) Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4) Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor your on.

5) Hold the doors open and say your waiting for a friend. After a while, let the doors close, and say, "Hi Gregg. How's your day been"

6) Drop a pen and wait until someone goes to pick it up,then scream,"That's mine!"

7) Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8) Move your desk into the elevator and whenever anyone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9) Lay down the twister mat and ask people if they would like to play.

10) Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on, ask them if they can hear ticking.

11) Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12) Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13) Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14) When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay, don't panic, they open again!"

15) Swat at flies that don't exist.

16) Call out, "Group Hug!" and then enforce it.

17) Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering,

18) Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

19) Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall,without getting off.

20) Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "Your one of THEM!" and back away slowly.

21) Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

22) Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

23) Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

24) Stare, grinning at another passenger for a while, then announce, "I have new socks on".

25) Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is MY personal space!"

[CHOULO19 24,332]

For some reason I've been in the mood for one liner jokes a lot recently. This is Stewart Francis probably at his best:

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

Brother Baku lived in the monastery for 5 years before the Head Friar said to him: "Brother Baku, you have been here 5 years now, you may speak two words."

Brother Baku said, "Hard Bed."

"I'm sorry to hear that" the Head Friar said. "We will get you a better bed."

After another 5 years, Brother Baku was called by the Head Friar.

"You may say another two words Brother Baku."

"Cold Food." said Brother Baku, and the Head Friar assured him that the food would be better in the future.

On his 15th anniversary at the monastery, the Head Friar summoned Brother Baku to hear his allowed 2-words.

"I Quit." said Brother Baku.

"It is probably best." said the Head Friar. "You've done nothing but complain since you've been here.....

 

Two Irishmen flew to Canada on a hunting trip.
They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week
hunting moose, and they managed to bag six.
As they were loading the plane to return, the pilot said that the
plane could take only four moose.
The two lads objected strongly saying, "Last year we shot six. The
pilot let us take them all and he had the same plane as yours."
Reluctantly, the pilot gave in and all six were loaded, and the plane
took off.
However, while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power,
the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down.
Somehow, surrounded by the moose bodies, Paddy and Mick managed to
survive the crash.
After climbing out of the wreckage, Paddy asked Mick, "Any idea where
we are?"
Mick replied, "I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

 

Back and forth . . . . back and forth . . . .
In and out . . . . in and out . . . .
A little to the right . . . . a little to the left . . . .
She could feel the sweat on her forehead . . . .
Between her breasts . . . . and, trickling down the small of her back . . . .
She was getting near to the end . . . . !!
He was in ecstasy . . . . with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved . . . . Forwards then backwards . . . .
Forward then backward . . . .
Again . . . . and, again . . . . !!
Her heart was pounding now . . . .
Her face was flushed . . . .
She moaned . . . . softly at first, then began to groan louder . . . .
Finally . . . . totally exhausted . . . .  she let out a piercing scream . . . .
She shouted . . . . :

 

"OK, OK, you smug bastard, I can't parallel park . . . .
You do it . . . . !!"

[Fulham Broadway 16,392]

Mate lent me a porno DVD, but it was fucking rubbish - all it seemed to be was this sort of greyed out image of a bloke with his cock in his hand.

Then I realised I hadn't switched on the TV

[Special Juan 27,101]

Bloke started work as a taxi driver last week, his passenger was in the back and he tapped the driver on the shoulder...

Taxi Driver "Fucking hell man what the fuck you playing at you scared the shit out of me"

Passenger "What, I only tapped you on the shoulder"

Taxi Driver "Yes but I have been a hearse driver for 20 years"

[Unionjack 7,531]

14 minutes ago, Special Juan said:

Bloke started work as a taxi driver last week, his passenger was in the back and he tapped the driver on the shoulder...

Taxi Driver "Fucking hell man what the fuck you playing at you scared the shit out of me"

Passenger "What, I only tapped you on the shoulder"

Taxi Driver "Yes but I have been a hearse driver for 20 years"

Excellent. Cant remember what prog on telly I heard it this week.

[Special Juan 27,101]

Paddy and Murphy sat in a pub, Paddy is doing the crossword, Murphy looks over his shoulder and says "7 up is Lemonade"

[Unionjack 7,531]

Northern Territory farm hand (an Aboriginal) radios back to the farm manager.
"Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the truck. The pig's ok, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my truck and is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
The manager says, "Ok, there's a .303 rifle behind the seat. Take it, shoot the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
Five minutes later the farm hand calls back, "I did what you said boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
"Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager.
"Well boss, it's his motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front wheel arch."

[Unionjack 7,531]

As she laid her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to the duck's chest.
After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly and said, “I’m sorry, your duck Cuddles, has passed away.”
The distressed woman wailed, “Are you sure?”
“Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead,” replied the Vet.
“How can you be so sure?” she protested. “I mean you haven’t done any testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something.”
The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room.
He returned a few minutes later with a Labrador.
As the duck’s owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom. He then looked up at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.
The vet patted the dog on the head and took it out of the room.
A few minutes later he returned with a cat. The cat jumped on the table and also delicately sniffed the bird from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed softly and strolled out of the room.
The vet looked at the woman and said, “I’m sorry, but as I said, this is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck.”
The Vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.
The duck’s owner, still in shock, took the bill. “$. 3000!” she cried, “$. 3000 just to tell me my duck is dead!”
The vet shrugged, “I’m sorry. If you had just taken my word for it, the bill would have been $100, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it’s now $3000 

 

A man approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket." "Can you talk to me for a couple of minutes?" The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked. "Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!
 

[the wes 7,212]

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

C'mon guys. We need to start posting in all areas of the site.

And tis the season to be jolly!

Policeman on a horse says to little girl on a bike "did santa get you that?" Yes " replies the little girl.  Copper then says "well tell Santa to put a reflector on it next year" and fined her £5.
 
The little girl looked up at the policeman and said "nice horse you've got there - did santa bring you that?"  The copper chuckles and repiles "he sure did!"

Well," said the little girl "next year ask santa if all UK police horses are hermaphroditic with a dick underneath and a cunt on top.   

A British MP was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the MP who was a total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the MP. "How about global warming, universal health care , or Brexit?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer shits little hard pellets, while a cow turns out a flat soft patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the European economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book

 

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

Buddy and his wife Edna went to the air show every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd give anything to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

Last year Buddy and Edna went to the show as usual with Buddy saying 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Look folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't make one sound I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's £50 EACH'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a dickie bird...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'Mate, I gotta say that did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm well impressed!'

Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, £50 is £50!'

 

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous blond woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of drinking and getting courage he finally goes over to her and asks, feebly, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "Look, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a psychology student at Cambridge University and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean you like it up the arse?"

 

 

[Unionjack 7,531]

A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

 

 

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

 

Even without having had children I could just imagine this scene happening

Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "ARE YOU CALLIN' ME A HORSES'S ASS?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

[Vesper 27,310]

[Vesper 27,310]

[Unionjack 7,531]

9 minutes ago, Vesper said:

Merry Xmas eve Mrs

[Vesper 27,310]

9 minutes ago, Unionjack said:

Merry Xmas eve Mrs