Joke Thread

[Lapo Blues 21]

Koni, "So how did the procedure go Doc?"

"Well there is good news and bad news'

I am pleased to tell you that the biopsy of

the redness on your penis was not cancerous

but just lipstick, I do however deeply regret the amputation."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother's house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. "Don't worry, Maria. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take care of you."

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a big hairy chest." "Don't worry, Maria," says the mother," all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He'll take good care of you."

So, up she went again. When she got up in the bedroom, Tony took off his pants exposing his hairy legs. Again, Maria ran downstairs to her mother. "Mama, Mama, Tony took off his pants and he's got hairy legs!"

"Don't worry. All good men have hairy legs. Tony's a good man. Go upstairs and he'll take good care of you." So up she went again. When she got up there, Tony took off his socks and on his left foot he was missing three toes. When Maria saw this, she ran downstairs. "Mama, Mama, Tony's got a foot and a half!"

"Stay here and stir the pasta," says the mother. "This is a job for Mama."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Two couples had gone away for the weekend. The two guys, Jack and Bill, have decided to try to persuade their wives to do a bit of partner swapping for the night. After several drinks that night they succeed.

Jack knows it's that time of the month for his wife and the thought of Bill not knowing this makes him smile. The guys agreed that when they sit around the breakfast table the following morning, they will tap their teaspoons on the side of their coffee mug the number of times that they did it with each other's wives.

The next morning they are all at the breakfast table, slightly hung over and quite uncomfortable, when Jack proudly taps his teaspoon 3 times against his coffee mug. After a brief moment of thinking, Bill takes his teaspoon and taps it once on the strawberry jam and 3 times on the peanut butter!

[Lapo Blues 21]

Two gay men decide that they want to have a baby, but they don't want to adopt because they want the baby to be as close to their own as possible. So they both masturbate into a cup and have a doctor use their sperm to impregnate a female friend of theirs. Nine months later, the two fags are looking at their baby in the hospital nursery. All of the babies are crying and screaming except for theirs. "Wow," one of the gay men says, "Our baby is the most well behaved one in here." A nurse who happens to be walking by says, "Now he's quiet, but wait till we take the pacifier out of his ass."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, naked and waiting. As the two began, they found themselves in the 69 position. The man, moments later, felt the sudden urge to ejaculate and fired the starter pistol.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not that well...when I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbour came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

A trumpeter is hired to play two solos in a movie. After the sessions he is paid handsomely and promised by the director that he will be notified when the movie is released to the public.

Three months later, he receives a notice that the movie will make its debut in Times Square at a porno house. The musician enters the theatre wearing a dark raincoat and shades. Unaccustomed to porno flicks, he sits
in the last row next to an elderly couple.

The film has explicit sex scenes: oral intercourse, anal intercourse, golden showers, sado-masochism and near the end a dog has intercourse with the leading female character.

The musician who is immensely embarrassed turns to the elderly couple and whispers, "I wrote the score and I just came to hear the music", to which the elderly woman whispers in reply, "We just came to see our dog."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Business was good at the local whorehouse and the madam decided to partition one of larger rooms. After the work was complete the carpenter asked for payment but was put off. After several weeks he still hadn't been paid and he regularly threatened, "Pay me or I'll rip out the partition." Finally the madam offered to pay him in trade. "Take any girl in the house and have your pleasure with her."

"I'll take you."

"Me? I'm an old lady. Take one of those young, good looking chicks."

"I want you."

So he took her upstairs and removed all her clothes, laid her on her back and put one finger in her pussy and one finger in her butt. "What are you doing?" she asked. "I told you before. Pay me or I'll rip out the partition."

[Lapo Blues 21]

This guy visits the doctors and says, "Doc, I think I've got a sex problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore." The doctor says, "Come back tomorrow and bring her with you." The next day, the guy shows up with his wife. The doctor says to the wife, "Take off your clothes and lie on the table." She does it, and the doctor walks around the table a few times looking her up and down. He pulls the guy to the side and says, "You're fine. She doesn't give me a hard-on, either."

[Lapo Blues 21]

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him, "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?" The trader said, "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this." They said, "No way! We've sworn off women for life!" The trader said, "Well. take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year. "Okay," they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year." The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy. "Where is he?" asked the trader. "I killed him" said the guy. Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies, "I caught him in bed with my board!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

and she was downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to bring it to his wife. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Heather answered the note and then asked her son to bring it to her husband. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

[Changingman_2000 876]

[Changingman_2000 876]

I was in Liverpool yesterday when I thought i had seen a superhero as a man ran down the street with a cape. Turned out that it was just another scouser who had not paid for his haircut.

[Lapo Blues 21]

What is the difference between an Arsenal fan and a vibrator?

Arsenal fan is a real dick.

[Lapo Blues 21]

An Arsenal fan and a Man United fan were watching the news on TV. There was a film story about a girl on the ledge of a building threatening to commit suicide. The police were trying to talk her down when the Man United fan says to the Arsenal fan, "I'll bet you five Pounds that she jumps."
The Arsenal fan took the bet. Seconds later, the girl jumps. The Arsenal fan takes five Pounds from his pocket and hands it to the Man United fan.
The Man United says, "I can't take your money. I saw the same film clip on the 6:00 news today and knew she was going to jump."
The Arsenal fan says, "I watched it too, but I didn't think she do it a second time."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A dick has a sad life.

His hair is a mess;

his family is nuts;

his next-door neighbor is an asshole;

his best friend is a pussy, and his owner beats him habitually.

When I thought about it, wenger is a real dick of all and that joke kinda suits him perfectly.

A dick (wenger) has a sad life.

His hair is a mess;

his family is nuts (wife divorced him);

his next-door neighbor (spuds fan) is an asshole;

his best friend (gazidis) is a pussy, and his owner (kroenke) beats him habitually.

[Vincent 402]

Mom: Son, why dont you talk to Mark anymore? You used to be best friends.

Son: Well would you talk to someone who is stupid, uses drugs and is an alchocolic?

Mom: Of course not.

Son: Well neither would he.

[Vincent 402]

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

[Lapo Blues 21]

For those of you (unlike me) who have daughters of a certain age, the following is informative:

— One day a father, on his way home from work suddenly remembers that it’s his daughter’s birthday.
He stops at a toy store and goes in and asks the sales person, ‘How much for one of those Barbie’s in the display window?’

The salesperson answers, ‘Which one do you mean, Sir?
We have: Work Out Barbie for £19.95, Shopping Barbie for £19.95, Beach Barbie for £19.95, Disco Barbie for £19.95, Astronaut Barbie for £19.95, Skater Barbie for £19.95, and Divorced Barbie for £265.95’.

The amazed father asks: ‘It’s what? Why is the Divorced Barbie £265.95 and the others only £19.95?’

The slightly miffed salesgirl rolls her eyes, sighs, and answers:

‘Look, Sir…, Divorced Barbie comes with: Ken’s Truck, Ken’s House, Ken’s Fishing Boat, Ken’s Furniture, Ken’s Dog, Ken’s Computer, one of Ken’s Friends, and a key chain made from Ken’s testicles.’

Hmmmm…..