Fulham Broadway

Always rated Ribery, but the downside is the story is in the Daily Lie. We'll see.

Fairly average in my book. Any bully with cash can get results. Gus had the measure of Barca over two legs, Ferguson was clueless last night with personnel another manager could have won with, had he any tactical nous

£20million not to be taken literally. Just indicative of cash hes spunked away on people like Josemi, Nunez, Morientes, Kronkamp, Gonzalez, Bellamy, Itanje, Pennant, =£50 million + ...oh and £20 million for Keane. The jury is still out on Babel

BENITEZ HANDED £20m TO PISS STRAIGHT UP A WALL LIVERPOOL coach Rafael Benitez was last night handed a £20m transfer budget to spend on one big-name signing or shit away on a collection of abject losers that you've never heard of. Will Benitez just spend it all on lovely sweets? In the wake of a strong title challenge the club's owners want to reward the Anfield support with a range of exciting new faces for them to dismiss as utterly useless by mid-August. Benitez said: "The squad clearly needs several additions and there are some great prospects out there. However, I do also have my eye on a 300-foot-high mountain of penny chews." Despite successful signings such as Torres and Mascherano, Benitez was criticised in 2007 for paying £13m for a small lump of organic matter that, given 240 million years, may evolve into useful utility left-back. This followed his 2006 signing of Roy Of The Rovers, who, despite his numerous accolades and undoubted skill, was obviously a fictional character and therefore ineligible to play in the Champion's League. Sources suggest Benitez will spend the entire budget on Carlos Tevez and has already ordered a set of stout metal chains and a daily supply of steaming lumps of meat. The Liverpool boss has told friends he can end Manchester United's dominance by spending an enormous amount of money on a player they have deemed surplus to requirements for quite some time. But Benitez's plans may be thwarted by Manchester City, whose billionaire owners plan to buy every sentient creature on the planet in an audacious £74 billion swoop. City boss Mark Hughes said: "Once I control all the legs there are, I do think we've got a realistic chance of a top six finish."

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Once had to deal with a client called Isaac Cox

Agree with that. The players retirement home Serie A, where the pace is slow and the sun sets slowly is a real possiblity for Carvalho -back with his old manager. Mikel is worth hanging on to,and Mancienne needs games. If theyre on about Mikel and Carvalho for £21 million they're having a laugh when Alonso is touted at £23 million.....

Average manager with the best array of scouts and financial resources, bully, hypocrite, now that is a fact. Carling dont do horrible cunts, but if they did, Ferguson would be right up there

The apology is a PR execise. All power to the Drogs, it WAS a fucking disgrace

Hiddink was getting a lot of support today. Quite funny when he was bowing Glad Anelka scored -it means hes level with Riverdance for the Golden Boot -he needs to score at Sunderland to stop that fairy getting it

Hes had massive resources over the years, has manipulated referees and officials, and bullied players. Not really interested in the old pissheads backhanded comments. ..

Definitley do not want this bloke -even Rijkaard looks 10 times a better bet

Seasons not over yet and already all the rumours flying about -99% of which will turn out to be bollox but keep sports jounalists in work....

DARREN FLETCHER ACCEPTS ACTUAL RULES OF FOOTBALL AS his one match European ban was upheld, Darren Fletcher has accepted that the laws of football apply to him. Tevez has been linked with a move to BlackburnThe Manchester United midfielder had insisted that he won the ball from Arsenal captain Cesc Fabregas, even though his legs were wrapped around his opponent's like a scene from the homoerotic edition of the Kama Sutra. He said last night: "UEFA insist that is a red card and a ban. Darren Fletcher, in his infinite grace and forgiveness, will therefore allow this to happen." Man Utd coach Sir Alex Ferguson praised Fletcher's beatific calm at accepting the disciplinary measures set down in the long-established rules of the sport. Insisting the Scottish international was setting a 'great example' he added: "If Barcelona score more goals than us in the final and UEFA decide to award them the trophy, then I suppose we will just have to accept that too. "Or at least until we can hire some lawyers to have the rules changed." Meanwhile the club's Argentine star Carlos Tevez has signalled his desire to leave at the end of the season. Ferguson has restricted Tevez's appearances in recent months, claiming that whenever he sees him charging down the wing, 'it's like one of those dirty great Orcs from Lord of the Rings coming at you in 3D'. Tevez said: "The eight-bedroom mansion, the vast wages, the personal assistant cupping my balls when it's chilly - all of this says I am not welcome here." He added that he will not even consider talks with the club until a 600ft statue of Sir Matt Busby giving birth to him has been erected in the car park of the Arndale Centre.

I cant take the credit for that CM its the Daily Mash. I cant believe one of those crooked cunts -Tory David Grey - reclaimed the money for a wreath he laid at Remembrance Sunday I've just applied to the Social Fund for a dredger for my moat, calfskin driving gloves for the chauffeur , and some uncut bolivian powder....

IT'S THE SYSTEM THAT'S A PIECE-OF-SHIT, THIEVING BASTARD, SAY MPs THE system of parliamentary expenses is a corrupt, scum-sucking, piece-of-shit, bastarding thief, MPs insisted last night. Hazel Blears has caused more violent retching than the winter vomitting bugMembers from all parties said the rules were a grubby, disgusting little scat-muncher and pledged a wide-ranging inquiry into how the system was somehow able to vote itself into existence in the first place. As Labour proposed an independent audit committee in its latest deliberate attempt to miss the fucking point, MPs spoke openly about how they had been abused repeatedly by the expenses system. Barbara Follet, the millionaire Labour MP married to a millionaire author, said it was 'outrageous' that she had been forced to defend her millionaire decision to buy three pairs of matching trainers for her pet fly. Follett added: "He is a size six, he just happens to have very big feet for his age. And anyway, it's the system that's a repulsive, grasping turd on legs, not me." Meanwhile the Conservatives were under the spotlight today after it was revealed the system had forced them to claim for lots of really posh stuff. Shadow health secretary Andrew Lansley used taxpayers' money to buy a Laura Ashley sofa, while policy chief Oliver Letwin claimed for repairs to his tennis court, his Aga cooker and his big brass cock-ring. Mr Letwin said: "It's very important for my constituents that I am able to prance around feeling the most exquisite pain in my semi-erect penis. The system is so depraved, isn't it?" But members of the public were quick to dismiss claims about the system as 'mind-buggeringly insulting horseshit' as it emerged that every MP is to get a £25,000 a year security allowance in a desperate bid to stop you kicking their teeth in. Emma Bradford, from Harrow, said: "I'd like to designate him as as my 'second MP', just for a couple of weeks, so that I can claim twelve grand to have him refurbished and then sell him to some really nasty Russian pimps." Roy Hobbs, from Oldham, said: "I'd like to buy one of those four-slot Dualit toasters from John Lewis and spank him across the face with it so hard that I break both my wrists." And Tom Logan, from Salford, added: "If you know that it's wrong now, then surely you knew it was wrong when you were spending my money doing up houses you bought with my money and then dodging capital gains tax even though you'd still have made a tidy profit and would, at least, have been able to return some of my money. You nauseatingly rancid lump of pox-ridden, cock-sucking pigshit." Constitutional expert Denys Finch-Hatton said there was now an outside chance the scandal could inflict some limited damage on the reputation of the House of Commons adding: "I suspect that from now on Westminster may become known as the 'Motherfucker of Parliaments'."

Like I say, I think the spirit in the squad has never been better in recent years, and if this season has not gone as expected, its because the players didnt respect Scolari. All we need is for Hiddink to stay , or have a good manager next that the squad respect -to me that would mean letting them have a say in who Abramovich appoints.

Spending our hard earned cash on chandeliers and £200 bottles of wine. I am fucking incensed. They really need to be culled, or at the very least all sacked.

You'd never think we destroyed the Arse onSunday 1-4 judging by the reporting.. All the media seem to focus on is how Arsenal are lacking and how they can improve, ignoring a sublime Chelsea performance, and rasenals biggest home smashing since 1977.

Good report as ever BL. I really feel we could have beaten any one today....

The spirit in the team right at this moment is probably the strongest it's been for years, definitely since Mourinho. Either one of those pikey outfits in Rome later this month, we'd beat off the park (ref/UEFA permitting). Too right chief -losing away to cardiff on a wet Tuesday etc etc. Ally McCleod (RIP) Still remember like yesterday his explanation for Scotlands exit ''Football's strange''. Priceless.

All good points and I noticed the same. Initially there was widespread critism of the Norwegian Parrott and a bit about Ballack and Drogba losing it. Now its all ''Chelsea Out of Control'' bollocks. The club have obviously made Drogba and Boswinga make conciliatory statements, apologising for their behaviour. Come on now we cant have any passion in the game, even when you've been clearly robbed of one the biggest tournamnts can we ? Now this morning its all ''Chelsea will receive sanctions'' ''Drogba will be forced out' ' and '' Roman Furious at Drogba'' What a load of old shit. I bet you Abramovich greatly sympathised with the lads, and was just as angry. With all the attention on Chelsea and the poor ref a victim -is it any wonder refereeing standards decline ? PS I notice an MEP in Yorkshire is taking UEFA to court for the Milan Leeds 1973 Final. Milan won 1-0. The ref is alleged to have taken a bung, and Leeds were denied 3 Clear penalties!

..was speaking at the Downs School nr Wraxhall last night. He said he knew for a fact that Tom Henning was wined and dined by Platini last week. Whether this adds to teh conspiracy theory or not I dont know. Is it normal practice for a ref to be entertained by Platini ?

Getting shite jokes in work , though I cracked a smile at ''I put Chelsea in the Sat Nav, and it came up 'Two minutes from Rome'.

I've got one of this guys videos. Hes got this woman bent over a chair and he rams.....oh hang on, no its a different bloke...