Joke Thread

[babu 261]

Two women friends had gone for a girls night out. Both
were very faithful and loving wives, but they had gotten
over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers. Incredibly
drunk and walking home, they needed to pee so they
stopped in the cemetery.

One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought
she would take off her panties and use them. Her friend,
however, was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties
and did not want to ruin them.

She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that
had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to
wipe with that. After the girls did their business, they
proceeded to go home.

The next day, the husband of one of the women was
concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife
was still in bed hung over, so he phoned the other
husband and said, 'These girls nights out have
got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst. My wife
came home with no panties!!'

'That's nothing,' said the other husband, 'Mine came
back with a card stuck to her ass that said, 'From all
of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'!'

[CHOULO19 24,332]

EDIT: Removed.

[iceboy 992]

Edited February 17, 2014 by iceboy
Removed

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Pathetic.

You're right, that's probably a bit over the top. I'm sorry you were offended, removed.

[iceboy 992]

You're right, that's probably a bit over the top. I'm sorry you were offended, removed.

Thanks mate, thanks, I really appreciate.

[babu 261]

Married humour
~~~~~~~~~~

Wife: "What are you doing?"
Husband : Nothing.
Wife : "Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour."
Husband : "I was looking for the expiration date."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife : "Do you want dinner?"
Husband : "Sure! What are my choices?"
Wife : "Yes and no."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Wife: "You always carry my photo in your wallet. Why?"
Hubby: "When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your
picture and the problem disappears."
Wife: "You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?"
Hubby: "Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can
there be greater than this one?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

One day, husband came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So he tied her up and went fishing.
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Stress Reliever Girl: "When we get married, I want to share all your
worries, troubles and lighten your burden."
Boy: "It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or
troubles."
Girl: "Well that's because we aren't married yet."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Son: "Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to
give up my seat to a lady." Mom: "Well, you have done the right thing."
Son: "But mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my
father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO
LEFT YOU A FORTUNE!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Father to son after exam: "Let me see your report card."
Son: "My friend just borrowed it. He wants to scare his parents."
--------------------------------------------------------------------

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever .
The guy replies: "Thanks for the early warning."

--------------------------------------------------------------------

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me, my pretty face or
my sexy body?" He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like
your sense of humor."

[babu 261]

LAW OF THE JUNGLE
~~~~~~~~~~~~

Two guys were hiking through the jungle when they spotted a tiger who looked
both hungry and fast. One of the guys reached into his pack and pulled out a
pair of Nikes.

His friend looked at him "Do you really think those shoes are going to make you
run faster than that tiger?"

I don't have to run faster than that tiger, his friend replied. "I just have to
run faster than you".

So that the Tiger can catch u not me hehehehe...

[cosmicway 1,247]

First Irihman: Did you go to the doctor?

Second Irishman: Yes.

First Irishman: And what did he say?

Second Irishman: "30 pounds please"

First Irishman: No you silly ... I mean what did you have?

Second Irishman: 20 pounds.

First Irishman: Boy, you are stupid, I mean what was your problem?

Second Irishman: Err, I was short of 10 pounds.

[Jusek 2,031]

Tot'num

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Not making this up, seriously just read this in a media source and it made me laugh so hard:

"Manchester United will let RVP leave in the summer if they can land Cavani"

:lol:

[Roquila 1,335]

Kaboul,Vertonghen,Walker.

[cosmicway 1,247]

This one is from the time Hyde Park was a flower pot, but you probably don't know it:

Seamus and Paddy go to the Vatican for pilgrimage.

They go to the churches make their prayers and as they are looking around in admiration a cardinal approaches them and says "I undestood you two are Irish, I 'm Irish too and I love the old country so I 'm going to tell you a secret so we can make some money", "the pope is dead but there is disagreement among the cardinals over who is going to be the next one, so we are not announcing it", "we expect to settle that and make the announcement next week", "as we are not allowed to bet, you two are chosen to do the betting on pope's date of death and then you cut me a small piece of the action - for the church of course".
Seamus and Paddy look one another in disbelief and say "ok, cardinal, it's a deal".
The next day they depart for Ireland and early the following week Vatican makes the announcement of pope's death.
Two days pass, but our cardinal has no news from the two Irishmen.
Two more days, nothing !
So the cardinal in dismay phones Seamus in Dublin to find out what's going on.

A woman's voice in apparent distress answers the call. She says "hello, this is misses Seamus, sob, sob".
The cardinal replies "listen here my good lady, I am the cardinal, I made a deal with your husband and I want to find out what in heaven's name is going on".
At this misses Seamus bursts into tears "oooh, my poor Seamus he is in hospital with sedatives three days now, it's about the bet is n't it ?".
"Yes" says the cardinal, "what happened ?"
"Sob, sob, sob" replies misses Seamus "he placed it but made it into a double with Real Madrid and Real Madrid drew" !

[babu 261]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

- - - Updated - - -

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....


GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ¤¤¤ and having the balls to say: "You're next, vetgat."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

[babu 261]

Joke: Three women eating ice-cream
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Dirty Little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.

"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."

"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"

The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies

"No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"

A man used to go to church every sunday just to see a reallllly hot nun
when the man finally worked up the courage to go talk to her, she said "I couldn't. Besides, i'd only fool around with a priest."

Broken-hearted, them man took a taxi home. When the taxi driver asked the guy why he was so sad, he told him the story. The taxi driver suggested dressing up like a priest, going to the church and ¤¤¤¤ing the nun . Thinking this was a good idea, the man went and bought a priest's disguise.

Next Sunday, the man went to church and after everyone else had left, he donned the disguise and asked the nun for some . The nun replied, "OK but only in the bumhole, i don't want to completely lose my viginity."

After the act , the man ripped off his disguise and said "Ha ha, im not a priest, im the guy who you turned down last week!"
"Ha ha, jokes on you, im the taxi driver!

[Special Juan 27,093]

Let's spare a thought for the man who told his wife that he was going to China on the Malaysian plane and now can't leave his girlfriend's apartment.

[zolayes 14,489]

A guy goes to the supermarket and notices an attractive woman waving at him. She says hello.

He's rather taken aback because he can't place where he knows her from.

So he says, 'Do you know me?' To which she replies, 'I think you're the father of one of my kids.'

Now his mind travels back to the only time he has ever been unfaithful to his wife and says, 'Are you the stripper from the bachelor party that I made love to on the pool table with all my buddies watching while your partner whipped my butt with wet celery'

She looks into his eyes and says calmly, 'No, I'm your son's teacher.'

- - - Updated - - -

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below....

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ¤¤¤ and having the balls to say: "You're next, vetgat."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the subject.

thats NOT guts and balls ,,, Thats DUMB and DUMBER

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This really made me laugh

[cosmicway 1,247]

The Spanish maid goes to the lady of the house and asks for a pay rise.

The lady is not at all happy at this so she asks "Isabellita, why do you think I should give you a pay rise ?"

Isabellita: "Seniora there are the following reasons. First I 'm better in ironing than you are".

Lady: "Indeed, and who says that ?"
Isabellita: "Your husband"

Lady: "yyes ?"

Isabellita: "The other reason is I cook better."

Lady: "Nonsense, since when you become a better cook than me ?"

Isabellita: "Your husband says so."

Lady (visible upset): "Oh, he says so ..."

Isabellita: "The third reason is I make better sex than you do."
Lady (at boiling point now): "AND DID MY HUSBAND ALSO SAY THAT ?"

Isabellita: "No madame - the gardener."

Lady: "How much ?"