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jonaaibosk
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My youngest daughter was trying to open a pot of yoghurt this morning. After a bit of fruitless struggling she said "fucking stupid twatting bollocking lid, wont fucking budge".

Then my missus piped up "My God! Where did she get that from !?"

"From the fucking fridge, you silly cunt" I replied.

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A guy decides to buy his Girlfriend a pair of gloves 4 Christmas.

A small gift as they have known each other for a little time and he noticed that her hands used to freeze during driving.


He decided to get romantic but not too personal.


He asked his GF's sister to help him in selection & hand size.


He picked up a pair of white gloves in the store. The sister gets a pair of panties for herself.


During wrapping, the Salesgirl inadvertently mixed the gifts.


Without checking, the guy gifts the Panties to his Girlfriend with a note, saying:


"Merry Christmas, I chose this, because i notice you do not wear these when we go out.

I would've chosen long ones but your sister wears short ones, which are easy to remove.

I checked it out on the Salesgirl as well & she looked really Beautiful.

I wish, i was there to put it for you for the first time.

When you take them off, remember to blow inside as there will be a damp spot naturally wearing it.

Just think how many times I'll kiss that in the upcoming years.


With Lots n Lots of Love

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A woman walks past a pet shop and sees a sign in the window reads: ''Clitoris-licking frog for hire see onwer inside''. Intrigued she pushes the door open and goes up to the counter. ''Excuse me'' she says to the bloke behind the counter. Im interested in hiring the ''Clitoris-licking frog'' advertised in the window. ''Ah, Bonjour madame,'' he replies. ''Comment allez vous?''.

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I went to the doctors yesterday about my premature ejacultion issues. He was a bit concerned and asked how the missus was taking it ?

I was staright with him and told him she was taking it on the chin at first , but now its just getting on her tits.

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  • 2 weeks later...

America was not shut down properly. Would you like to start America in safe mode, with free healthcare & without the guns? (Recommended)

Mark Clattenburg is due on the pitch for a Chelsea-Liverpool game and is nowhere to be seen.

The FA representative goes looking for him and finds him in the dressing room and says, "Hey, Mark, why are you in here and not on the pitch?"

Clattenburg says, "I'm trying to do this jigsaw puzzle that my wife gave me."

Representative: "I don't care about a damn puzzle, get out on the pitch."

David: "No. I've been trying for weeks to do this jigsaw, and it's all I can think of right now."

Representative: "What's the puzzle of?"

Clattenburg: "It's a tiger."

The representative looks over Clattenburg's shoulder at the puzzle laid out on the floor and says, "For fuck's sake! Put the Frosties back in the box and get out on the pitch!"

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How do you know when a girl is too young for sex?
When you have to make an aeroplane noise to get your cock in her mouth.

What's the difference between jam and peanutbutter?

You can't peanutbutter your cock up your girlfriend's arse.

How do you make a gay man have sex with a straight woman?
Shit in her cunt.

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1. Emergency call: "911, What is your emergency?" "Two girls are fighting over me!" "So what's the problem sir?" "The ugly one is winning

2. Called in sick today. Manager asked why? Doctor said I have Anal Blindness. Manager asked what's that? It's where I can't see my ass coming in to work today!

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