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jonaaibosk

Joke Thread

Started by jonaaibosk,

313 posts in this topic

C'mon guys. We need to start posting in all areas of the site.

And tis the season to be jolly!

Policeman on a horse says to little girl on a bike "did santa get you that?" Yes " replies the little girl.  Copper then says "well tell Santa to put a reflector on it next year" and fined her £5.
 
The little girl looked up at the policeman and said "nice horse you've got there - did santa bring you that?"  The copper chuckles and repiles "he sure did!"

Well," said the little girl "next year ask santa if all UK police horses are hermaphroditic with a dick underneath and a cunt on top.   


A British MP was seated next to a little girl on an airplane so he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if
you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the MP who was a total stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the MP. "How about global warming, universal health care , or Brexit?" as he smiled smugly.
"OK," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass.
Yet a deer shits little hard pellets, while a cow turns out a flat soft patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"
The legislator, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence, thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea."
To which the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss global warming, universal health care, or the European economy, when you don't know shit?"

And then she went back to reading her book

 

 

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Buddy and his wife Edna went to the air show every year, and every year Buddy would say,

'Edna,I'd give anything to ride in that helicopter'

Edna always replied, 'I know Buddy, but that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

Last year Buddy and Edna went to the show as usual with Buddy saying 'Edna, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter now I might never get another chance'

To this, Edna replied, "Buddy that helicopter ride is £50, and £50 is £50'

The pilot overheard the couple and said,

'Look folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't make one sound I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's £50 EACH'

Buddy and Edna agreed and up they went.

The pilot did all kinds of fancy manoeuvres, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, but still not a dickie bird...

When they landed, the pilot turned to Buddy and said,

'Mate, I gotta say that did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm well impressed!'


Buddy replied,
'Well, to tell you the truth, I almost said something when Edna fell out, but you know, £50 is £50!'

 

 A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a gorgeous blond woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of drinking and getting courage he finally goes over to her and asks, feebly, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?" To which she responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them.
Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "Look, I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a psychology student at Cambridge University and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean you like it up the arse?"

 

 

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A farmer and his wife were laying in bed one night. The farmer feeling a little frisky, reaches over and gives his wife's breast a little feel and says, "Mother, if this could give milk, we could get rid of the cow."

His hand then travels down to her crotch, and he says, "Mother, if this could give eggs, we could get rid of the chickens."

His wife then reaches over and grabs his penis. "Father, if this could stay hard, we could get rid of your brother.

 

 

A woman went in to see a therapist and said, "I've got a big problem, doctor. Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out an outrageous yell."

"My dear," the doctor said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "he keeps waking me up!"

 

Even without having had children I could just imagine this scene happening


Did you hear about the teacher who was helping one of her
reception class pupils put on his boots?

He asked for help and she could see why.

Even with her pulling and him pushing, the little boots
still didn't want to go on.

By the time they got the second boot on, she had worked up a sweat.

She almost cried when the little boy said, 'Teacher,
they're on the wrong feet.'

She looked, and sure enough, they were.

It wasn't any easier pulling the boots off than it was
putting them on.

She managed to keep her cool as, together, they worked to get the boots back on, this time on the correct feet.

He then announced, 'These aren't my boots.'

She bit her tongue, rather than get right in his face and
scream, 'Why didn't you say so? ' like she wanted to.

Once again she struggled to help him pull the ill-fitting
boots off his little feet.

No sooner had they got the boots off when he said,
'They're my brother's boots. My Mum made me wear 'em.'

Now she didn't know if she should laugh or cry.

But she mustered up what grace and courage she had left to wrestle the boots on his feet again.

Helping him into his coat, she asked, 'Now, where are your
mittens?'

He said, 'I stuffed 'em in the toes of my boots.'

She will be eligible for parole in three years.

 

A cowboy in Texas got pulled over by a State Trooper for speeding. The trooper started to lecture the cowboy about his speeding, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the cowboy feel uncomfortable.
Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket. As he was doing that, he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head.
The cowboy said, "Having some problem with Circle flies there, are ya?"
The trooper stopped writing the ticket and said, "Well yeah, if that's what they are. I never heard of circle flies."
So the cowboy says, "Well, Circle flies are common on ranches. See, they're called Circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."
The trooper says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute, he stops and says, "ARE YOU CALLIN' ME A HORSES'S ASS?"
The cowboy says, "Oh no, officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass."
The trooper says, "Well that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket.
After a long pause, the cowboy says, "Hard to fool them flies though."

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What’s the difference between a woman with PMS and a terrorist?

You can negotiate with a terrorist.

What’s the difference between anal and oral sex?

Oral sex makes your day. Anal makes your hole weak.

What’s the difference between a man and a condom?

Condoms have evolved. They're no longer thick and insensitive!

What do the Mafia and pussies have in common?

One slip of the tongue, and you’re in deep shit.

 

The Old bill were called to the Christmas pantomime for paranoid schizophrenics last night as it ended in absolute chaos.

Someone in the audience shouted ..........'he's behind you!'.

 

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and see's this HUGE Black guy standing next to him.
The big guy see's the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch cock, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."
The little guy faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him.
The big guy says: "What's wrong with you man?" In a weak voice the little guy says,"What EXACTLY did you say to me? The big dude says: " I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me...? I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch cock, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown.
The small guy says: Turner Brown? Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, "Turn around."

 

 

 

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The other day, I was walking through the shopping center and noticed that a new "Muslim Book Store" had opened. I wondered exactly what was in a Muslim bookstore so I went in.

As I was wandering around taking a look, the clerk stopped me and asked if he could help me. I imagine I didn't look like his normal clientèle, so I asked, “Do you have a copy of Donald Trump's book on his U.S. Immigration Policy regarding Muslims and illegal Mexicans?"

The clerk said, "Fuck off!  Get out and Stay out!"


I said, "Yes, that's the one. Do you have it in paperback?"


Two foreign immigrants have just arrived in the United States by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, one of the immigrants points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. "Two dogs, please," she says.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over the counter.

Excited, the companions hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their "dogs. One of them opens the foil and begins to blush. Staring at it for a moment, she turns to her friend and whispers cautiously,

"What part did you get?"

 

The mother-in-law arrives home from the shops to find her son-in-law, Paddy, in a steaming rage and hurriedly packing his suitcase.

"What happened Paddy ?" she asks anxiously.

"What happened!! I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife telling her I was coming home today from my fishing trip. I get home... and guess what I found? Yes, your daughter, my wife Jean, naked with Joe Murphy in our marital bed!  This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"

"And another thing, Joe Murphy told me he couldn't join us for the fishing trip as he said he was going catching crabs at a friends place!"

"Ah now, calm down, calm down Paddy!" says his mother-in-law. "There is something very odd going on here. Jean would never do such a thing! There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her immediately and find out what happened."

Moments later, the mother-in-law comes back with a big smile. "Paddy. I told you there must be a simple explanation .....she never got your e-mail!"

 

An old man enters a sperm bank and tells the attending nurse he wants to make a donation.
She looks at the old man and thinks "Not likely" But since the bank doesn't discriminate, she gives him a jar and directs him to a booth.
She instructs him that there are magazines in the booth to help him and to let her know if he is having any problems.
For the next half hour she hears a lot of grunting and groaning, and the nurse becomes worried, knocks on the booth door.
When the old man opens the door he is sweating and looking exhausted, and the nurse tells him that part of her job is to provide any assistance he might need.
Embarrassed, the old man mutters "no no, I can do this".
For another half hour the nurse hears more grunting and groaning, but with increased sounds of frustration and anger, so this time she is getting really worried.
She knocks on the booth door and tells the old man that she insists in helping him.
"Fine" says the old man, and hands her the jar "Can you get the lid off for me?"

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The Blind Cowboy - An oldie but goodie.

An old blind cowboy strolls into a bar one day. Without knowing it, he has actually entered an all-girl biker bar by mistake.
He wanders over to a bar stool and asks the bartender for a shot of Jack Daniels.
He sits there for a while, then calls out to the bartender. "Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?"
At that point the entire bar falls deadly silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, " Before you tell that joke, cowboy, I think it is only fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl with a club.
3. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weight lifter.
5. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in Karate.

Now, think about it seriously, cowboy "Do you still wanna tell that blonde joke?"

The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head and mutters,

" Fuck No!! Not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

It's true - My Mrs was blond - had to be to put up with my shit for so long!

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Another Blond Joke

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT WATCHES HER DO THIS AND ASKS TO SEE HER TICKET.

SHE THEN TELLS THE BLONDE THAT SHE PAID FOR ECONOMY CLASS AND THAT SHE WILL HAVE TO SIT IN THE BACK.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT GOES INTO THE COCKPIT AND TELLS THE PILOT AND THE CO-PILOT THAT THERE IS A BLONDE BIMBO SITTING IN FIRST CLASS, THAT BELONGS IN ECONOMY AND WON'T MOVE BACK TO HER SEAT.

THE CO-PILOT GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND TRIES TO EXPLAIN THAT BECAUSE SHE ONLY PAID FOR ECONOMY SHE WILL HAVE TO LEAVE AND RETURN TO HER SEAT.

THE BLONDE REPLIES, "I'M BLONDE, I'M BEAUTIFUL, I'M GOING TO TORONTO AND I'M STAYING RIGHT HERE."

THE CO-PILOT TELLS THE PILOT THAT HE PROBABLY SHOULD HAVE THE POLICE WAITING WHEN THEY LAND TO ARREST THIS BLONDE WOMAN WHO WON'T LISTEN TO REASON.

THE PILOT SAYS, "YOU SAY SHE IS A BLONDE? I'LL
HANDLE THIS, I'M MARRIED TO A BLONDE. I SPEAK BLONDE."

HE GOES BACK TO THE BLONDE AND WHISPERS IN HER EAR, AND SHE SAYS, "OH, I'M SORRY." AND GETS UP AND GOES BACK TO HER SEAT IN ECONOMY.

THE FLIGHT ATTENDANT AND CO-PILOT ARE AMAZED AND ASKED HIM WHAT HE SAID TO MAKE HER MOVE WITHOUT ANY FUSS.

"I TOLD HER, 'FIRST CLASS ISN'T GOING TO TORONTO."


The coach had put together the perfect team for the Chicago Bears. The only thing that was missing was a good quarterback. He had scouted all the colleges and even the Canadian and European Leagues, but he couldn't find a ringer who could ensure a Super Bowl win.

Then one night while watching FOX News he saw a war-zone scene in the West Bank. In one corner of the background, he spotted a young Israeli soldier with a truly incredible arm. He threw a hand-grenade straight into a 15th story window 100 yards away.

KABOOM!

He threw another hand-grenade 75 yards away, right into a chimney.

KA-BOOM!

Then he threw another at a passing car going 90 mph.

BULLS-EYE!

"I've got to get this guy!" Coach said to himself. "He has the perfect arm!"

So, he brings him to the States and teaches him the great game of football. And the Bears go on to win the Super Bowl.

The young man is hailed as the great hero of football and when the coach asks him what he wants, all the young man wants is to call his mother.

"Mom," he says into the phone, "I just won the Super Bowl!"

"I don't want to talk to you,” the old woman says.  “You are not my son!"

"I don't think you understand, Mother," the young man pleads. "I've won the greatest sporting event in the world. I'm here among thousands of my adoring fans."

"No! Let me tell you!" his mother retorts. "At this very moment there are gunshots all around us. The neighborhood is a pile of rubble. Your two brothers were beaten within an inch of their lives last week, and I have to keep your sister in the house so she doesn't get raped!" The old lady pauses and then tearfully says,


 "I will never forgive you for making us move to Chicago!”

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