Joke Thread

[Lapo Blues 21]

He was in ecstasy with a huge smile on his face as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again……
back and forth…
back and forth…..
in and out…….

She could feel the sweat on her forehead, between her breasts and trickling down the small of her back.
She was getting near to the end. Her heart was pounding…..
her face was flushed….. Then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.
Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted,

“Okay, Okay!!! I can’t park the fooking car!!! You do it, you smug bastard!!!”

[Lapo Blues 21]

A Man.U fan and a Manchester City fan were sentenced to death by firing squad.

The officer in charge asked the Manchester City fan if he had a last request.

'Yes' replied the City Fan, 'I'm a keen City Supporter, and I videoed the last game Manchester City played. Could I watch the video before I die?'

'No Problem', replied the officer, 'I'll get the men to rig up a large screen, and you can watch it from here'.

Then turning to the Man U. Fan, he asked 'And what about you, do you have a last request?'

'Yes', he replied, 'Shoot me first'.

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Lapo Blues 21]

[Vincent 402]

A kid had sex with his teacher. So the kid just got of school and he got into the car with his mom. The mom asks, "What did you do at school today?" The kid replies, "I had sex with the teacher." The mom was furious so when they got home, she told him to go to his room and wait for his father to come home. Well the father came home from work a couple hours later and the mother told him what their son said. The dad walks up to his sons room and says, "Son, I'm proud of you. I'm going to buy you a new bike." Later that day they got the bike and the father asks, "Would you like to try it out?" The son replies, "Not now. My butt still hurts."

[BlueLion. 21,491]

Love the new skin and layout. Really well done @Jim

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

Why did Snoop Dogg need an umbrella?
Fo’ Drizzle

[Kezza 1,965]

Bring Billy back!!

The last one is just amazing!!!

[Unionjack 7,531]

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and
sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big
guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says:
“7 feet tall, 350   pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner
Brown.”

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to,
shaking him.. The big   guy says, “What's wrong with you?”
In a weak voice the little guy says, 'What
EXACTLY did you say  to me?'

The big dude says, 'I saw your curious look and
figured I'd just   give you the answers to the questions everyone always
asks me...... I'm 7   feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis,
my testicles  weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.'

The little white Irishman says:

'Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I tought you said, 'Turn around! 

[Unionjack 7,531]

[Unionjack 7,531]

Sadly these arem't jokes but all true.

 

Annual Stella Awards – 2015

The Stella Awards are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased hot coffee. Stella had taken the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. 

What could possibly have gone wrong?

SEVENTH PLACE                                           

 

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The storeowners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the fact that the running toddler was her own son.

SIXTH PLACE                                           
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. xTruman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.

FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000, plus dental expenses.

FIRST PLACE
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

[manpe 10,855]

12 hours ago, Unionjack said:

Sadly these arem't jokes but all true.

 

Annual Stella Awards – 2015

The Stella Awards are named after 81-year-old Stella Liebeck, who spilled hot coffee on herself and successfully sued the McDonald’s in New Mexico, where she purchased hot coffee. Stella had taken the lid off the coffee and put it between her knees while she was driving. 

What could possibly have gone wrong?

SEVENTH PLACE                                           

 

Kathleen Robertson of Austin, Texas was awarded $80,000 by a jury of her peers after breaking her ankle tripping over a toddler who was running inside a furniture store. The storeowners were understandably surprised by the verdict, considering the fact that the running toddler was her own son.

SIXTH PLACE                                           
Carl Truman, 19, of Los Angeles, California won $74,000 plus medical expenses when his neighbor ran over his hand with a Honda Accord. xTruman apparently didn’t notice there was someone at the wheel of the car when he was trying to steal his neighbor’s hubcaps.

FIFTH PLACE
Terrence Dickson, of Bristol, Pennsylvania, who was leaving a house he had just burglarized by way of the garage.  Unfortunately for Dickson, the automatic garage door opener malfunctioned and he could not get the garage door to open.  Worse, he couldn’t re-enter the house because the door connecting the garage to the house locked when Dickson pulled it shut.  Forced to sit for eight, count ’em, EIGHT days and survive on a case of Pepsi and a large bag of dry dog food, he sued the homeowner’s insurance company claiming undue mental Anguish. Amazingly, the jury said the insurance company must pay Dickson $500,000 for his anguish.  We should all have this kind of anguish.

FOURTH PLACE
Jerry Williams, of Little Rock, Arkansas, garnered 4th Place in the Stella’s when he was awarded $14,500 plus medical expenses after being bitten on the butt by his next door neighbor’s beagle – even though the beagle was on a chain in its owner’s fenced yard. Williams did not get as much as he asked for because the jury believed the beagle might have been provoked at the time of the butt bite because Williams had climbed over the fence into the yard and repeatedly shot the dog with a pellet gun.

THIRD PLACE
Amber Carson of Lancaster, Pennsylvania because a jury ordered a Philadelphia restaurant to pay her $113,500 after she slipped on a spilled soft drink and broke her tailbone.  The reason the soft drink was on the floor: Ms. Carson had thrown it at her boyfriend 30 seconds earlier during an argument.

SECOND PLACE
Kara Walton, of Claymont, Delaware sued the owner of a nightclub in a nearby city because she fell from the bathroom window to the floor, knocking out her two front teeth. Even though Ms. Walton was trying to sneak through the ladies room window to avoid paying the $3.50 cover charge, the jury said the night club had to pay her $12,000, plus dental expenses.

FIRST PLACE
This year’s runaway First Place Stella Award winner was: Mrs. Merv Grazinski, of Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, who purchased a new 32-foot Winnebago motor home. On her first trip home, from an OU football game, having driven on to the freeway, she set the cruise control at 70 mph and calmly left the driver’s seat to go to the back of the Winnebago to make herself a sandwich.  Not surprisingly, the motor home left the freeway, crashed and overturned.  Also not surprisingly, Mrs. Grazinski sued Winnebago for not putting in the owner’s manual that she couldn’t actually leave the driver’s seat while the cruise control was set. The Oklahoma jury awarded her $1,750,000 PLUS a new motor home.

Fake: http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

You can find the real Stella Awards on that same site, they were given until 2007 so there are no awards for 2015.

[Unionjack 7,531]

20 minutes ago, manpe said:

Fake: http://www.stellaawards.com/bogus.html

You can find the real Stella Awards on that same site, they were given until 2007 so there are no awards for 2015.

Na Na Na Na Na