Joke Thread

[Unionjack 7,531]

Another reason to hate Scousers mate. All the gear they nicked while playing abroad in the late 70's early 80's the adage you can't polish a turd was never so apt. They'd come to the Bridge or if you went to Anfield and to a man you could tell the gear was nicked cos it never fitted them rat boys in Armani.

Would have loved to have been around then. Ive had all the stories from me uncle tho. Sounded like fun times. Cant understand why they only flash mobbed clothes shops tho. Everyone shudda been blinged up. I know the Hibs lot did a few.

[Iggy Doonican 4,186]

I was talking to this bloke in the pub last night i said to him '' Who do you support mate?''. Arsenal he replied, I said Sorry. He said again Arsenal, I said '' I heard you mate i'm just sorry.''

[Unionjack 7,531]

RETIRED HUSBAND

After my neighbor retired, his wife insisted that he accompany her on her trips to Target.
Unfortunately, like most men, he found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out. Equally unfortunate, his wife is like most women - she loves to browse.

Yesterday his wife received the following letter from the local Target:

Dear Mrs. Harris,

Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store.
Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Harris, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras:

1. June 15: He took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.

2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in House wares to go off at 5-minute intervals.

3. July 7: He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.

4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money. We don't have a Code 3.

5. August 4: Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.

6. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.

7. August 15: Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.

8. August 23: When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' EMTs were called.

9. September 4: Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.

10. September 10: While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.

11. October 3: Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the ' Mission Impossible'
theme.

12. October 6: In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' using different sizes of funnels.

13. October 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'

14. October 22: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed 'OH NO! IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'

15. Took a box of condoms to the checkout clerk and asked where is the fitting room?

And last, but not least:

16. October 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, and then yelled very loudly, 'Hey! There's no toilet paper in here.' One of the clerks passed out.

Oh come on lads we have all done shit like these - HAVEN'T WE???

[Special Juan 27,093]

Just rang David Cameron, couldn't hear much, too much crackling on his end.

[CHOULO19 24,332]

Someone give this guy a medal!

[Lapo Blues 21]

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhoea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard, (barely containing his (laughter), and who had watched the whole incident, walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the shit out of a ghost!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

A man walks into a bar with a pet alligator by his side. He put the crocodile in the bar. He makes customers wonder.

"I'll make a deal. I'll open the crocodile's mouth and put my cock inside. Then the crocodile will close his mouth for one minute. Then he will prove that after that his cock would be unscathed. To see and witness this spectacle, every one here is going to buy him a drink. "

The crowd at the bar was murmured in agreement. He was standing at the bar, pull down his pants and put his cock in the open mouth of a crocodile. Crocodile closed his mouth and made the crowd gasp. After one minute, the man grabbed a beer bottle and knocked alligator hard on the top of his head. Crocodile opened his mouth and the man removed his genitals - unscathed as promised. The crowd cheered and he got a free drink.

The man stood up again and made another offer. "I'll pay anyone $ 100 who is willing to try ..."

A silence ensued in the crowd of the bar. After a while, no one raised a hand behind the bar.

Suddenly, a blonde woman slowly walked towards and spoke,

"I'll try, but you must promise not to hit me in the head with a beer bottle …"

[Lapo Blues 21]

Recently a man had to go to the hospital to have his wedding ring cut off from his dick after his mistress found the ring in his trouser pocket and got so mad at him she stuck it on him while he was asleep

I don't know what's worse:

1) Having your mistress find out you're married.

2) Explaining to your wife how your wedding ring got on your dick

3) Or finding out your dick fits through your wedding ring.

[Lapo Blues 21]

This is a story of a king who has a very beautiful queen with very beautiful breasts.

This causes a dragon hunter warrior named Ahmed obsessed to hold the breasts, even though he knew the punishment is death if he ever dared to hold the queen's breasts.

But because it is so strong that desire, then it is expressed to Vikram who is the palace physician.

Vikram stated "I can give what you want as long as you give me 500 gold coins."

Ahmed agreed to the terms given by Vikram.

The next day Vikram dispensing itching powder and spread it to the queen's bra while she was taking a bath.

After the queen felt itching on her chest, the king is panicked and then summoned the royal physician, Vikram.

Vikram stated that the sick empress can only be cured by saliva for 4 hours and is based on research that the only perfect saliva is Ahmed the dragon hunter was the one with the saliva who had the antidote to cure it.

Because the king wanted the queen to recover so they brought Ahmed in, then Ahmed went up to the queen to wipe the drool and to lick the queen's breasts.
But previously Vikram has given the antidote to the Ahmed's tongue.

After 4 hours, Ahmed came out with a very satisfied face and even greeted as a hero.

At home, Vikram wanted to collect 500 gold coins htat was promised by Ahmed, but Ahmed declined and kicked him out of his house instead.

He thought Vikram would not dare to tell the truth to the king because he got involved.

Because disappointed with the attitude of Ahmed, the next day Vikram sprinkled itching powder Equal to the king's underwear, even with more dosages.

King called with itchy scratch to his cock: "Ahmed!!!"

Then Vikram approached Ahmed with a smile and whispered: "4 hours bro...? hahaha.

[Lapo Blues 21]

A little boy, Johnty came to the brothel. To the Mommy Pimp Dora, he said,

"I want to have sex with a whore". Dora said, "Get outta here, you're still a minor, little boy."

Johnty then took out a pack of money and showed the Pimp. With greed eyes, the pimp said, "Okay if you insist. What kind of whore do you want? "

"I want prostitutes that are exposed to syphilis" Johnty said, "Huh!? You’re joking apparently.

No! I'm serious", said the little boy.

"Well if you like it, as you wish," while she was calling Jenny the whore who had syphilis.

Then, after "playing" his tiny cock and he wanted to go home, suddenly the Pimp intercepted and asked the little boy:

"Wait a minute! It didn’t make sense to me if you're here looking for a whore I understand, but why look for the one affected with syphilis? "

"Why? That meant I was exposed to syphilis, right?"

"Oh, yes of course" said the pimp."

Then at home I will force my babysitter to have a sexual intercourse with me, and then she will be exposed to syphilis too, right? ", said the little boy,

"Yes"

"And the babysitter will have sex with the baker, he got syphilis too, right?"

"Yes, for sure"

Then, if the baker have sex with my mom, he will be exposed as well, right? "

"Oo it is clear"

And when mom having sex with my dad, he definitely got it too, right? "

"By itself so"

"Then, after my dad had sex with the gardener's wife, she contracted syphilis as well, right?"

"Yes, for sure"

And when the wife of the gardener will have sex with her husband, the gardener, then the gardener would certainly have had it, right? "

"Of course"

Johnty paused, then he said, "Yeah, that old prick just killed my hamster pet."

[Lapo Blues 21]

Jeff the Bellboy.............

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy.
The first man married a nurse.
Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, "Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot."
The second man married a telephone operator.
Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, "Wow, he's one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom."
The third man married a school teacher.
Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, "Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid."
At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher's husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn't call until much later in the day.
The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse's husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed.
"Sir, what happened?" asked Jeff. "You married a nurse."
"Son, don't ever marry a nurse," the man sourly replied. "All I heard last night was her nagging voice saying, 'You're not sanitary, you're not sanitary'."
The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator's husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man's hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.
"What happened?" Jeff asked with surprise. "Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices."
"Son, don't ever marry a telephone operator," the man groaned. "All I heard last night was her nasal voice saying, 'Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up'."
Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher's husband would be calling at any moment.
Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher's husband called for breakfast.
Jeff couldn't believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple's room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
"My goodness sir, what happened to you?" Jeff asked, fearing the worst. "Did you have a fight?"
The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, "No. Son, when you marry be sure it's to a school teacher. All I heard last night was her sexy, smooth voice saying, 'We're going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right!!..

[Lapo Blues 21]

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex:

Husband:
"Sukitaki. mojitaka!"

Wife replies:
" Kowanini ! mowi janakpa!"

Husband says angrily:
"Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!"

Wife on her knees literally begging:
"Mimi nakoundinda tinkouji!"

Husband shouts angrily:
"Na miaou kina Tim kouji!

I Can't believe you just sat there trying to read this –you don’t know Japanese.

You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....you need serious help!!!

Sometimes I worry about you.

[Lapo Blues 21]

Guy goes to doctors and says "Doc, I have a problem with my penis."


Doctor says "Tell me the problem."


Guy says "Well, basically every morning when the alarm clock goes off, my
missus jumps on me and rides me for a good half hour before I go for my
morning shower. When I'm drying myself off, the maid always manages to
sneak in and she sucks me off for about 10 minutes. When I manage to escape
and get on the train to work, the hot waitress at the buffet loves to have
a hard shag with me for at least 15 minutes after she's served the other
passengers. Once I've made my way to work, my secretary fucks me all
through lunch then leaves me to finish whatever work I have left to do
before I go home. On the train home the waitress is waiting for another
shag, I then head home for another blowjob from the maid and finally my
wife wants another session before bedtime."


Doc says "What's the problem?"


"It hurts when I wank."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A woman walks in to a tattoo parlor and tells the artist she would like two
tattoos, one of Robert Redford on her left upper thigh, and one of Paul
Newman on her right thigh.

After hours of work the tattoo artist is finished and holds a mirror in
between the woman's legs for her to view.

The woman says, "I don't know if these really look like Paul & Robert, and
I ain't paying for this if it isn't right!"

She tells the artist she will
go just outside the business and ask someone walking down the street if
they know who the two men are on her thighs, if they answer correctly she
would pay the artist.

She soon sees a man walking down the street, so she pulls up her skirt and
asks him, "Can you tell me who the man on my right thigh and the man on my
left thigh are?"

The man replies, "I dunno, but the one in the middle looks like Willie
Nelson."

[Lapo Blues 21]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer!

The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says, "What's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "He's a midget!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

Chinese has some unique names:

Ho Lee Fuk

Yung Thin Ho

Lik Mai Dong


............and if you call them in order:


Ho Lee Fuk, (a) Yung Thin Ho, (just) Lik Mai Dong.

[Lapo Blues 21]

A wife went in to see a therapist, "I've got a big problem, doctor.

Every time we're in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell."

"My dear," the shrink said, "that's completely natural. I don't see what the problem is."

"The problem is," she complained, "It wakes me up!"

[Lapo Blues 21]

As Cinderella fled the ball she left a glass slipper,

"I shall find the woman who this slipper fits and marry her, " he said to his aide.

"Sire, " shouted his aide, "there is this as well. " and he shown the prince the smallest dildo in the world.

"Ok, fuck the slipper, " said the prince, "lets find the woman this fits instead. "