Joke Thread

[Madmax 9,219]

What's the difference between a samosa and Man United?

A samosa has more points.

[Kezza 1,965]

Whats better than a rose on a piano?..

..Tulips on an organ

[Billy. 2,739]

Liverpool

[babu 261]

HAHAHAHA This one is damn funny!!!!

New Cowboy Boots

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

An elderly couple , Margaret and Bert , moved to Texas .

Bert always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots , so , seeing some on sale , he bought them and wore them home.

Walking proudly , he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife , "Notice anything different about me?"

Margaret looked him over. "Nope."


Frustrated , Bert stormed off into the bathroom , undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the boots.

Again he asked Margaret , a little louder this time , "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan , "Bert , what's different? It's hanging down today , it was hanging down yesterday , it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious , Bert yelled , "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN , MARGARET?"

"Nope. Not a clue" , she replied.

"IT'S HANGING DOWN , BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!"

Without missing a beat Margaret replied , "Shoulda bought a hat , Bert. Shoulda bought a hat."

[Special Juan 27,101]

A fly flew into my kitchen and exploded last night..

I think it was a Jihaddy long legs

-------

I bet the Mrs 20 quid I could make a car out of spaghetti ...
Should have seen her face when I drove pasta

[CHOULO19 24,332]

From Twitter:

First woman on the Moon:

"Houston, we have a problem."

What?

"Never mind"

What's the problem?

"Nothing"

Please tell us?

"I'm fine"

[Special Juan 27,101]

I was trying to work out why the Liverpool fans weren't leaving at 3-0 last night.......then it hit me, they didn't have to go to work the next day.

[Fulham Broadway 16,392]

An ad found in the Canberra Times, Personal Section :

This bloke deserved to receive a few replies simply for taking the time to think of this!

Wanted A tall well-built woman with good

reputation, who can cook frogs

legs, who appreciates a good fuc-

schia garden, classic music and tal-

king without getting too serious.

Interested?

Then please only read lines 1, 3 and 5;

still interested?

Call me at...... 8250-0327

[drakey 36]

I woke up to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and looking out of the window I noticed a bloke who lived further down the road sneaking into my next door neighbour's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked him over the head with a shovel, killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave and I watched, horrified, as he buried him and shovelled the earth over him.

Still in shock I got back into bed.

My wife said, "You're shaking dear, what's up?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen," I said, "That bastard next door still has my shovel."

[CHOULO19 24,332]

This made me laugh more than it should have

How did the hipster burn his mouth? He sipped his coffee 'before it was cool'

[drakey 36]

Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and Dave Lee Travis walk into an Irish bar.

"Oh, God" says the landlord "Not Yew Tree again"

[Special Juan 27,101]

Jimmy Saville, Stuart Hall and Dave Lee Travis walk into an Irish bar.

"Oh, God" says the landlord "Not Yew Tree again"

[Fulham Broadway 16,392]

Late in the night a man regained consciousness. He found himself in the Emergency ward of the hospital on a drip, with tubes up his nose, monitors beeping, and a gorgeous nurse telling him " I have some bad news, you may not feel anything from the waist down".

"Can I have a feel of your tits then ?"

[Viper22 2,418]

A Chelsea fan liked to amuse himself by scaring every Gunners supporter he saw strutting down the street in an obnoxious Arsenal jersey. He would swerve his van as if to hit them, then swerve back just missing them.

One day while driving along, he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed, so he pulled over and asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?" "I'm going to give Mass at St. Francis church, about two miles down the road," replied the priest. "Climb in, Father. I'll give you a lift!" The priest climbed into the passenger seat, and they continued down the road.

Suddenly, the driver saw a Gunners supporter walking down the road, and he instinctively swerved as if to hit him. But, as usual, he swerved back onto the road just in time. Even though he was certain that he had missed the guy, he still heard a loud THUD. not knowing where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors but still didn't see anything. He then remembered the priest, and he turned to the priest and said, "Sorry Father, I almost hit that Gunners supporter." "That's OK," replied the priest "I got him with the door."

[RoyalBlues 4,050]

Liverpool

Brendan Rodgers

[Special Juan 27,101]

I just got myself an Oscar Pistorius Advent Calendar that Smirnoff have just brought out.

There's a shot behind every door.

[RoyalBlues 4,050]

In a football match, one supporter approach one of the steward after the final whistle and said, 'if I pay a shit load of money to see this shit match, how much they paid you to not see this shit?'

[Special Juan 27,101]

A new Mr Men character has been suggested, based on Mario Balotelli.

Mr Sitter.

I tried to download the new Band-Aid song to raise money for victims of the ebola outbreak,
But my anti-virus software wouldn't let me.